Today I slept in a little bit. I think I needed to catch up on my sleep after all those sleepless nights. When I woke up Sally had already gone to run some errands.
I made some breakfast for the kids and then sent them to clean up their bedrooms.
I picked up my bedroom too and then remembered that Brian will be here tomorrow.
I’ve missed him a lot, but I can’t help feeling strange. I wish he could come home to a pretty and healthy wife and not a sick, bald wreck. I wish I could do more than just feel ill and run to doctors. I wish…
It’s hard to imagine how I will be after all this is behind me. I’ve lived with this long enough to not even remember how it feels to be well. One of the times I was explaining to my doctor that I feel run down, sad and tired in the evenings and I added that I thought it was normal since it’s the end of the day, he cut me off and said “No, it’s not normal. You have allowed yourself to live this way for so long that you have forgotten how it feels to be normal.” So I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
The past few days I have started to realize that I’m really close to being done with chemo and I have to start preparing for the next step. Surgery. I have so many things worrying me. I am totally unprepared for this. It’s overwhelming to think that my body will be changed for ever. Will it hurt? Will I have nasty scars? Will it be obvious? And after all this is done, will I have to go through it all over again only in a different spot?
I’ve told Brian that if it metastasizes I don’t think I want to keep chasing my cancer around. At some point one has to make the right decision and think about quality of life first. I don’t want to feel sick the entire time. Not to mention the burden of the medical bills! Yesterday Brian told me that the Neulasta shot cost $5,000 and the Taxtotere IV another $5,000!! Of course the insurance covers most of it and we end up paying only a small fraction of it, but those little fractions plus all the medication is starting to add up. Things are starting to get tight. I wonder what happens to people without health insurance. How do they make it?
Well, I better run. Natalie has been serving “tea” to me the entire time and I have to check where she’s got all that water and where is the mess that I’ll have to clean up.
:-)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
6 Ways to help someone with cancer
I found this on parade.com and I found myself agreeing with most of these.
1.Acknowledge Our Situation
When you know that we have cancer and you don’t say anything about it, we feel even more isolated and alone. Some people—even family members—are uncomfortable saying anything. They fear that raising the topic is too personal or will make us cry. Believe me, much more harm is done by keeping silent. Just say, “I hear you have had some bad news. I am so sorry. I hope things go well for you.” It will mean a lot.
2.Offer Help Only If You Can Deliver
When others first hear we have cancer, many say, “I’ll do anything I can to help.” That’s a kind response, because we often really do need help. But we may find it difficult to ask. We may be too distressed to know what we need. Others need less help at the beginning and more as treatment progresses. If you offer aid, be specific: “Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday,” or, “Can I drive you to your chemotherapy appointments?” Only make a commitment if you can deliver. We are depending on you. And remember: Sometimes simply chatting over a cup of tea or quietly holding our hand is what we need.
3. Guard Our Privacy
Being treated for cancer means that any sense of physical privacy we had has evaporated as we parade around in backless hospital gowns, poked and prodded from all sides. Help us to regain some small shred of privacy and control by not talking about how we are doing with others—even family members—without our permission. Ask us what information we would like you to share and with whom. If we are too ill or too young or too confused to tell you, let your past experience with us and your good judgment guide your discretion.
4. Listen To Us
America is a relentlessly upbeat society: “Keep a positive attitude! Don’t give up hope!” But many people with cancer swing between hope and fear, optimism and despair. A hospital chaplain told me about meeting a couple on their way to a chemotherapy appointment for the wife’s breast cancer. The chaplain asked how they were doing, and the husband volunteered, “She’s doing great! She is going to be fine!” His wife turned to him and said, “You know, you always say that, and then at night you go to sleep, and I lie there, and I’m so frightened and sad—and I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it.”
5. Remember That Hope Is A Gift
We don’t always feel it. When you insist that we be hopeful and positive, we feel we have failed when we aren’t. Don’t cut off the possibility that we will share our burden with you and the opportunity to support us through hard times.
6. Ensure Our Dignity
Dignity is the public recognition of our self-worth. Cancer and its treatment often make us feel like we have been reduced to just a diseased body, with little to offer to those we love. Remind us that we are beloved mothers and sons and sisters and grandfathers; that we are valued work colleagues and neighbors. Reassure us that we bring to this challenge the wisdom that comes from overcoming difficulties great and small.
Your Help Helps To Heal1.Acknowledge Our Situation
When you know that we have cancer and you don’t say anything about it, we feel even more isolated and alone. Some people—even family members—are uncomfortable saying anything. They fear that raising the topic is too personal or will make us cry. Believe me, much more harm is done by keeping silent. Just say, “I hear you have had some bad news. I am so sorry. I hope things go well for you.” It will mean a lot.
2.Offer Help Only If You Can Deliver
When others first hear we have cancer, many say, “I’ll do anything I can to help.” That’s a kind response, because we often really do need help. But we may find it difficult to ask. We may be too distressed to know what we need. Others need less help at the beginning and more as treatment progresses. If you offer aid, be specific: “Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday,” or, “Can I drive you to your chemotherapy appointments?” Only make a commitment if you can deliver. We are depending on you. And remember: Sometimes simply chatting over a cup of tea or quietly holding our hand is what we need.
3. Guard Our Privacy
Being treated for cancer means that any sense of physical privacy we had has evaporated as we parade around in backless hospital gowns, poked and prodded from all sides. Help us to regain some small shred of privacy and control by not talking about how we are doing with others—even family members—without our permission. Ask us what information we would like you to share and with whom. If we are too ill or too young or too confused to tell you, let your past experience with us and your good judgment guide your discretion.
4. Listen To Us
America is a relentlessly upbeat society: “Keep a positive attitude! Don’t give up hope!” But many people with cancer swing between hope and fear, optimism and despair. A hospital chaplain told me about meeting a couple on their way to a chemotherapy appointment for the wife’s breast cancer. The chaplain asked how they were doing, and the husband volunteered, “She’s doing great! She is going to be fine!” His wife turned to him and said, “You know, you always say that, and then at night you go to sleep, and I lie there, and I’m so frightened and sad—and I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it.”
5. Remember That Hope Is A Gift
We don’t always feel it. When you insist that we be hopeful and positive, we feel we have failed when we aren’t. Don’t cut off the possibility that we will share our burden with you and the opportunity to support us through hard times.
6. Ensure Our Dignity
Dignity is the public recognition of our self-worth. Cancer and its treatment often make us feel like we have been reduced to just a diseased body, with little to offer to those we love. Remind us that we are beloved mothers and sons and sisters and grandfathers; that we are valued work colleagues and neighbors. Reassure us that we bring to this challenge the wisdom that comes from overcoming difficulties great and small.
Some say that having cancer is like climbing a steep mountain. No matter how much you love a person with cancer, you can’t climb the mountain for us, though you would like to. But you can make sure that we have nutritious food. You can help us find path markers and steady us when we stumble. And when our spirits sag, your patience, love, and respect can encourage us to take the next step—and then the next one.
Friday, June 19, 2009
I’m happy to report that I am really enjoying my time here in Arizona. Last night the kids wanted to pitch tents in the back yard and sleep outside. At first I was a little apprehended. I have learned the hard way that there are plenty of things crawling on the ground around here that you wouldn’t necessarily want them to be your sleep buddies.
The kids really wanted to do it and were very excited about it, so I said yes miserably, thinking about the coyotes that will probably come to visit us at night.
It took us a while to get everything ready but then finally we settled down around 9:30.
I shared a tent with Natalie. She was so excited she could barely keep herself together! Of course she talked non stop! I finally told her that if she’s not quiet and go to sleep, I’ll have to put her back in her bed, so she finally calmed down and fell asleep along with her brothers. The boys must have been pretty tired after hauling all those things and trying to put everything together, because they fell asleep almost right away.
I was the only one that couldn’t get to sleep. I could hear a frog croaking sadly, and crickets scratching their legs together uncontrollably. It didn’t bother me. It was calming and relaxing. I looked at the sky and I was surprised to see so many stars. Last time I had seen a night sky like this was in Greece.
I tried to get comfortable, but my hips and back started to hurt and soon I felt my right leg go numb. Bad news… I got up and tried to stretch a bit, but my leg still felt stiff and my back started hurting even more. I soon realized that I was not going to be able to spend the night out there. The kids were already asleep, and by that time I felt pretty comfortable that we would all be safe from the creepy crawlers, the coyotes and the bob cats that like to lurk around here. There was nothing in sight and the back yard is now fenced, not like it used to be.
I decided to wake up Darian and have him sleep with Natalie. It took me a while to wake him up, but finally I was able to move him to the other tent. He was half unconscious, so I thought it would be pretty funny in the morning, when he would wake up and wonder how the heck he got there!
I gathered my stuff and headed to my bedroom. I took a pain killer and tried to go to sleep. I couldn’t. I laid there in pain for hours, not being able to sleep. Finally I felt my eyes getting heavy around 5:00 am.
I slept until 7:30, when Natalie came to my bed wondering why I left. I explained to her and she was OK. She thought it was funny to wake up and find Darian there instead.
I went back in the tent again. Darian was up too, so we were all having a good time joking and laughing. Soon we had to get up and start putting things away. It was cloudy and it looked like it would rain, so the boys and I decided we better hurry.
We had a busy morning trying to put everything back in its place and a few hours later the rain began. I had forgotten how funny it smells when it rains here. It’s like smelling wet dust! Who knows when was the last time this place has seen rain!
It’s still raining now. I came to my room for a little rest after I made lunch for the kids. I feel tired and nauseated. My bones still hurt. I officially declare that I feel like crap right now, so I think the wisest thing to do is to try to take a nap.
I’ll try and do that and hopefully I’ll feel better when I wake up.
Adios.
The kids really wanted to do it and were very excited about it, so I said yes miserably, thinking about the coyotes that will probably come to visit us at night.
It took us a while to get everything ready but then finally we settled down around 9:30.
I shared a tent with Natalie. She was so excited she could barely keep herself together! Of course she talked non stop! I finally told her that if she’s not quiet and go to sleep, I’ll have to put her back in her bed, so she finally calmed down and fell asleep along with her brothers. The boys must have been pretty tired after hauling all those things and trying to put everything together, because they fell asleep almost right away.
I was the only one that couldn’t get to sleep. I could hear a frog croaking sadly, and crickets scratching their legs together uncontrollably. It didn’t bother me. It was calming and relaxing. I looked at the sky and I was surprised to see so many stars. Last time I had seen a night sky like this was in Greece.
I tried to get comfortable, but my hips and back started to hurt and soon I felt my right leg go numb. Bad news… I got up and tried to stretch a bit, but my leg still felt stiff and my back started hurting even more. I soon realized that I was not going to be able to spend the night out there. The kids were already asleep, and by that time I felt pretty comfortable that we would all be safe from the creepy crawlers, the coyotes and the bob cats that like to lurk around here. There was nothing in sight and the back yard is now fenced, not like it used to be.
I decided to wake up Darian and have him sleep with Natalie. It took me a while to wake him up, but finally I was able to move him to the other tent. He was half unconscious, so I thought it would be pretty funny in the morning, when he would wake up and wonder how the heck he got there!
I gathered my stuff and headed to my bedroom. I took a pain killer and tried to go to sleep. I couldn’t. I laid there in pain for hours, not being able to sleep. Finally I felt my eyes getting heavy around 5:00 am.
I slept until 7:30, when Natalie came to my bed wondering why I left. I explained to her and she was OK. She thought it was funny to wake up and find Darian there instead.
I went back in the tent again. Darian was up too, so we were all having a good time joking and laughing. Soon we had to get up and start putting things away. It was cloudy and it looked like it would rain, so the boys and I decided we better hurry.
We had a busy morning trying to put everything back in its place and a few hours later the rain began. I had forgotten how funny it smells when it rains here. It’s like smelling wet dust! Who knows when was the last time this place has seen rain!
It’s still raining now. I came to my room for a little rest after I made lunch for the kids. I feel tired and nauseated. My bones still hurt. I officially declare that I feel like crap right now, so I think the wisest thing to do is to try to take a nap.
I’ll try and do that and hopefully I’ll feel better when I wake up.
Adios.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
It’s almost 5:00 am. I’ve been up for about an hour. My stomach hurts and I keep sneezing. My back hurts a little and my feet feel heavy. I don’t think I’ll be able to do much today. I’ll try to get some rest and stay out of everybody’s way.
I finished the sampler yesterday. It looks great! I think I’ll try to work on something else today. It’s a good thing I brought a couple of my unfinished projects with me. Who could have guessed that I would be so productive!
I like it here. It’s peaceful. I can relax and pretend that I don’t have any worries. I’m glad to be away from daily hectic schedules. I can’t help thinking that more than once this stress has caused plenty of momentary lapses of reason and eventually has lead to frenzy panic attacks which are not necessarily always mine. Tough stuff…
I’m just happy that here I can chill and read my book serenely, even if I do get interrupted by the kids every now and then. I choose to put my book down and tend to their needs. I enjoy it.
I think I have somehow managed to associate home with burdens and worries. Being here, although my days are pretty much the same, my load seems a lot lighter, easier.
Of course a big part of it is due to the fact that I share my responsibilities with Sally. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, I do it here too, but it really helps knowing that there’s more than one person worrying about the exact same things I do. It gives me peace of mind.
I don’t know what the plans of the day are. I’m hoping to rest a little more today. I’m worried that I might be coming down with something. That would really put a damper on my zen-like state of mind, don’t you think!
I’ll go back to reading my book hoping that this will be another uneventful day.
I finished the sampler yesterday. It looks great! I think I’ll try to work on something else today. It’s a good thing I brought a couple of my unfinished projects with me. Who could have guessed that I would be so productive!
I like it here. It’s peaceful. I can relax and pretend that I don’t have any worries. I’m glad to be away from daily hectic schedules. I can’t help thinking that more than once this stress has caused plenty of momentary lapses of reason and eventually has lead to frenzy panic attacks which are not necessarily always mine. Tough stuff…
I’m just happy that here I can chill and read my book serenely, even if I do get interrupted by the kids every now and then. I choose to put my book down and tend to their needs. I enjoy it.
I think I have somehow managed to associate home with burdens and worries. Being here, although my days are pretty much the same, my load seems a lot lighter, easier.
Of course a big part of it is due to the fact that I share my responsibilities with Sally. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, I do it here too, but it really helps knowing that there’s more than one person worrying about the exact same things I do. It gives me peace of mind.
I don’t know what the plans of the day are. I’m hoping to rest a little more today. I’m worried that I might be coming down with something. That would really put a damper on my zen-like state of mind, don’t you think!
I’ll go back to reading my book hoping that this will be another uneventful day.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Unfinished Business
Like clockwork, I go to bed at 9:00 pm, which is 12:00 am in Ohio, wake up at 3:00 am, so 6:00 am my time, then read for a few hours until I get tired and sleep again a couple more.
If I have learned anything all these years that I have been struggling with sleep, it's not to fret about it anymore. I get as much sleep as I can, whenever I can get it and since I started following this rule I have been just fine. I used to be so worried about getting enough sleep and being able to wake up, that the anxiety alone prevented me to relax and close my eyes. I know better now. I sleep when I can, I wake up when I have to, I do whatever is needed to be done and I take naps if I get tired. Perfect!
It’s almost 4:00 am now, I already read my book for about an hour, and I don’t feel like going back to sleep. I don’t know if we have any plans for today, but I was thinking I would like to finish one of my cross stitch projects that I have been working on for ages.
It’s a wedding anniversary sampler that, I kid you not, I think it must be cursed! How else can anyone explain that every single time I start working on it, something happens and I get in a fight with Brian. I think the safest bet is to finish it while we’re apart, and then burn it in order to cleanse the bad spirits or something! Ha! I’ll try to post a picture before I decide what I’m going to do with it.
I have so many unfinished projects and so little time, not to mention energy, to do anything about them. I do like collecting them though. I have so many patterns it would probably take me 3 lifetimes to finish them all, and you know what, that’s just fine by me. I like collecting them and looking at them, sorting them and making CD ROMs where everything is categorized and indexed. Sometimes I think about how nice they would look if I ever finished any of them, but I know that I’ll never find the time. So what’s the harm in that? None, I dare say.
I don’t feel inadequate for not doing it, at least not anymore! I decided long ago I should call myself a collector, and be proud of it too! Like I need more things in my life to feel bad about... I won’t turn my hobbies into nightmares, no sir! LOL!! Every now and then I’ll take some of my unfinished projects out, air them, maybe even add a stitch or two and then nicely fold them and put them back to where they came from.
So this is how life goes on these days. I feel no pressure and I try to live and taste the small moments. There’s always something to learn behind every corner, something to collect, and I want to make good use of my time, without really caring about how much of it I have left.
Works for me!
If I have learned anything all these years that I have been struggling with sleep, it's not to fret about it anymore. I get as much sleep as I can, whenever I can get it and since I started following this rule I have been just fine. I used to be so worried about getting enough sleep and being able to wake up, that the anxiety alone prevented me to relax and close my eyes. I know better now. I sleep when I can, I wake up when I have to, I do whatever is needed to be done and I take naps if I get tired. Perfect!
It’s almost 4:00 am now, I already read my book for about an hour, and I don’t feel like going back to sleep. I don’t know if we have any plans for today, but I was thinking I would like to finish one of my cross stitch projects that I have been working on for ages.
It’s a wedding anniversary sampler that, I kid you not, I think it must be cursed! How else can anyone explain that every single time I start working on it, something happens and I get in a fight with Brian. I think the safest bet is to finish it while we’re apart, and then burn it in order to cleanse the bad spirits or something! Ha! I’ll try to post a picture before I decide what I’m going to do with it.
I have so many unfinished projects and so little time, not to mention energy, to do anything about them. I do like collecting them though. I have so many patterns it would probably take me 3 lifetimes to finish them all, and you know what, that’s just fine by me. I like collecting them and looking at them, sorting them and making CD ROMs where everything is categorized and indexed. Sometimes I think about how nice they would look if I ever finished any of them, but I know that I’ll never find the time. So what’s the harm in that? None, I dare say.
I don’t feel inadequate for not doing it, at least not anymore! I decided long ago I should call myself a collector, and be proud of it too! Like I need more things in my life to feel bad about... I won’t turn my hobbies into nightmares, no sir! LOL!! Every now and then I’ll take some of my unfinished projects out, air them, maybe even add a stitch or two and then nicely fold them and put them back to where they came from.
So this is how life goes on these days. I feel no pressure and I try to live and taste the small moments. There’s always something to learn behind every corner, something to collect, and I want to make good use of my time, without really caring about how much of it I have left.
Works for me!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Greeting from the Sonoran Desert!
I’ve been here in Tucson for 3 days now and I have to say I rather like it. The weather is not too hot, in fact I was able to go in the back yard and read my book both last evening and this morning without combusting! LOL!
Sally and Patrick always make me feel comfortable and welcome when I’m here so my stay so far has been perfect. I get to rest when I need to rest, but also do things they need me to do, just enough so that I feel I do my small share and I not feel totally useless.
Brian and I both were happy to see the kids when we got here on Saturday night. David had just gotten back from his scout camp and I can’t believe how he has grown even in these past few days since we've last seen him!
All three kids have made new friends here, which is of course great! They have play dates almost every day, and Sally is always on the go with them. I feel bad I can’t be the one doing it, but I’m grateful she has the energy and the will to do it for me.
I love how David now likes to come to me and hug me just out of the blue. I really enjoy this little affection he’s willing to share with me. The only reason I make a point to mention it of course is because the other 2 are usually all over me, with their hugs and kisses. David has always been more reserved, even as a baby, so it really makes my heart flutter when he does it!
We went to church on Sunday. David, Brian and I were all talking about how it feels more like home here. Brian was amazed to see his children play and socialize with the kids of people who used to be his best friends growing up. I think that all this should be food for thought for upcoming decisions in the near future, concerning where we should move next.
I always thought that one of the things we lack the most when we move to a new place is having family around us. I’m so glad to have William so close to us now in Ohio, but I can’t help thinking that we’re going to lose him sooner or later.
Well, other than that I feel OK. I do have the pain in my bones again, but I decided to only take Advil this time. It helps control the pain and I can still have my wits about me.
I get to rest as much as needed. I do have a little bit of a jet lag since Ohio is 3 hours ahead, but I know I’ll be fine within the next couple of days.
It’s a little strange not to have Brian around, fussing over me, but I’m learning that I can take care of myself just fine. Of course it’s nice to have someone to remind me to take all the different kinds of medication that I have on schedule now. Sometimes I think I’ve gone senile and can’t remember anything, so that’s where Brian comes in to remind me things. I think I’m doing a good job so far.
It’s almost time for dinner, so I better go and see how I can help. I’ll try to post more often, but there’s really not much going on. I miss Brian a lot and can’t wait to see him again in 10 days.
Sally and Patrick always make me feel comfortable and welcome when I’m here so my stay so far has been perfect. I get to rest when I need to rest, but also do things they need me to do, just enough so that I feel I do my small share and I not feel totally useless.
Brian and I both were happy to see the kids when we got here on Saturday night. David had just gotten back from his scout camp and I can’t believe how he has grown even in these past few days since we've last seen him!
All three kids have made new friends here, which is of course great! They have play dates almost every day, and Sally is always on the go with them. I feel bad I can’t be the one doing it, but I’m grateful she has the energy and the will to do it for me.
I love how David now likes to come to me and hug me just out of the blue. I really enjoy this little affection he’s willing to share with me. The only reason I make a point to mention it of course is because the other 2 are usually all over me, with their hugs and kisses. David has always been more reserved, even as a baby, so it really makes my heart flutter when he does it!
We went to church on Sunday. David, Brian and I were all talking about how it feels more like home here. Brian was amazed to see his children play and socialize with the kids of people who used to be his best friends growing up. I think that all this should be food for thought for upcoming decisions in the near future, concerning where we should move next.
I always thought that one of the things we lack the most when we move to a new place is having family around us. I’m so glad to have William so close to us now in Ohio, but I can’t help thinking that we’re going to lose him sooner or later.
Well, other than that I feel OK. I do have the pain in my bones again, but I decided to only take Advil this time. It helps control the pain and I can still have my wits about me.
I get to rest as much as needed. I do have a little bit of a jet lag since Ohio is 3 hours ahead, but I know I’ll be fine within the next couple of days.
It’s a little strange not to have Brian around, fussing over me, but I’m learning that I can take care of myself just fine. Of course it’s nice to have someone to remind me to take all the different kinds of medication that I have on schedule now. Sometimes I think I’ve gone senile and can’t remember anything, so that’s where Brian comes in to remind me things. I think I’m doing a good job so far.
It’s almost time for dinner, so I better go and see how I can help. I’ll try to post more often, but there’s really not much going on. I miss Brian a lot and can’t wait to see him again in 10 days.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Round Four
My chemo went as expected today. The vain in my left hand has completely collapsed and is not even visible anymore, so I asked the nurse to switch and put the IV in my right hand this time. She suggested we try the forearm. I agreed and it worked fine. The pain was less when the IV was in, but unfortunately it hurt more when she took it out and now I have a nice bruise to go with it.
During the visit with the oncologist I expressed my concerns about some changes I have noticed on my right breast. It seems to be red right where the tumor is and the skin texture is different. I was worried it might be signs of inflammatory breast cancer, which is just as bad, if not worse, than triple negative, but after he took a look at it he explained that IBC makes the skin really red, and it looks more like you put a hot iron on your skin and it’s followed by pain which I don’t have, but just to make sure he’ll have me do another MRI.
After my first MRI I have to say that I’m not that thrilled with the idea of having this procedure again, but I’m glad he listened to my concerns and he is willing to look further into it. I want to find out if there’s anything else wrong.
Other than that, I had the chance to rest all afternoon, but right now I feel a little sick to my stomach. Nothing that the medication can’t keep under control, at least I hope so. Of course I have to go back to the clinic for my Neulasta shot tomorrow morning. I know there’s more pain to come after that. Darn medicine. My blood count this time was much lower than last time, so I know I need to take it, but it sure makes me hurt a lot.
My flight to Arizona leaves at around 4:30pm tomorrow. I’m so excited to see the kids. I’ve missed them so much! I know I'll be pretty sick the first week there, but I'm hoping I can get some rest too.
I'm coming back on the 29th, then I'm scheduled for the MRI on the 30th and I have my next treatment on the 1st. It seems that I'll be pretty busy having “fun” when I get back.
I have to start packing now, so I better run.
During the visit with the oncologist I expressed my concerns about some changes I have noticed on my right breast. It seems to be red right where the tumor is and the skin texture is different. I was worried it might be signs of inflammatory breast cancer, which is just as bad, if not worse, than triple negative, but after he took a look at it he explained that IBC makes the skin really red, and it looks more like you put a hot iron on your skin and it’s followed by pain which I don’t have, but just to make sure he’ll have me do another MRI.
After my first MRI I have to say that I’m not that thrilled with the idea of having this procedure again, but I’m glad he listened to my concerns and he is willing to look further into it. I want to find out if there’s anything else wrong.
Other than that, I had the chance to rest all afternoon, but right now I feel a little sick to my stomach. Nothing that the medication can’t keep under control, at least I hope so. Of course I have to go back to the clinic for my Neulasta shot tomorrow morning. I know there’s more pain to come after that. Darn medicine. My blood count this time was much lower than last time, so I know I need to take it, but it sure makes me hurt a lot.
My flight to Arizona leaves at around 4:30pm tomorrow. I’m so excited to see the kids. I’ve missed them so much! I know I'll be pretty sick the first week there, but I'm hoping I can get some rest too.
I'm coming back on the 29th, then I'm scheduled for the MRI on the 30th and I have my next treatment on the 1st. It seems that I'll be pretty busy having “fun” when I get back.
I have to start packing now, so I better run.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Life after kids
It’s weird being alone with Brian in this big house. It’s been eerily quiet since the kids left for Arizona on Friday.
I wake up every morning thinking that Natalie is going to open my door and crawl into my bed to come and cuddle with me. Then I think about Darian, will he remember to take his medicine, and will David be OK going to scout camp with strangers?
The first day I spent almost my entire time in my room watching TV and napping. I felt tired and unhappy. Brian wanted to talk but I just didn’t have the strength. I was distant and full of doubts. Are we doing the right thing?
Brian was able to get me out of the house yesterday. We went out for lunch and then watched a movie. By the time we came home it was about 7:00 and I was exhausted. I watched silly, mindless shows on TV trying not to think about it much and went to bed around 1:00.
Starting today I plan to have Denise clean the kids’ rooms, one room at a time. They will remain closed until they come back. It’s amazing to see that the house actually stays clean and almost untouched when they’re not around!
It’s only 11:40 and yet I’m very tired. I think I’ll have some lunch and try to get some rest. There’s not much going on. It’s just another quiet day. I’m starting to have doubts about going to Arizona next week. I know I’ll be sick as a dog and useless again. What was I thinking?
I wake up every morning thinking that Natalie is going to open my door and crawl into my bed to come and cuddle with me. Then I think about Darian, will he remember to take his medicine, and will David be OK going to scout camp with strangers?
The first day I spent almost my entire time in my room watching TV and napping. I felt tired and unhappy. Brian wanted to talk but I just didn’t have the strength. I was distant and full of doubts. Are we doing the right thing?
Brian was able to get me out of the house yesterday. We went out for lunch and then watched a movie. By the time we came home it was about 7:00 and I was exhausted. I watched silly, mindless shows on TV trying not to think about it much and went to bed around 1:00.
Starting today I plan to have Denise clean the kids’ rooms, one room at a time. They will remain closed until they come back. It’s amazing to see that the house actually stays clean and almost untouched when they’re not around!
It’s only 11:40 and yet I’m very tired. I think I’ll have some lunch and try to get some rest. There’s not much going on. It’s just another quiet day. I’m starting to have doubts about going to Arizona next week. I know I’ll be sick as a dog and useless again. What was I thinking?
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Square One
I’m sitting here thinking that I need to write something, but I really don’t feel like it.
This feeling of necessity, of course, comes from knowing that I always feel better if I somehow unload my thoughts in writing. I know it will help me calm down and relax if I can just find the words to explain. But sometimes there are no words.
Going through this cancer deal brings turmoil that is full of mixed emotions and realizations. I can’t help but thinking that maybe I’m not that eloquent in English to explain the magnitude of this after all. Come to think of it, I doubt I would be articulate enough to describe it in my own language either, let alone my second.
More and more I find myself having mixed feelings about a lot of things. I end up confused and unable to choose. Frustration does not describe what I feel, not even close. If there was one thing that I know I’m good at, is being able to see and judge things from many different angles and then decide. Now I feel that I’m being torn apart by my own strengths, and weaknesses for that matter. Self loathing can’t be good for me, not right now, I know. I try.
There are times that I feel I want to shut down and not think about anything anymore. I really wish I was back in that hospital where I could lie in a bed and have nurses fuss over me. It kills me that I can’t plan anything in advance while there are so many things in my life that need a resolution right now. Can I really plan in advance? I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me anymore. Should I plan by thinking there’s no tomorrow? Or maybe I should act as if there’s nothing wrong, but then again I can’t, because there are a ton of things wrong.
See, that’s why this disease isolates me so much. I’m not scared of death, I’m not afraid to fight, but I don’t know my limits, or the rules, there’s just no standard. How can I explain that to people? Do they think I’m falling apart, or that I’m being a pessimist? Because I know I’m not. No! I just don’t know! I do feel the need to be prepared, but the variables keep changing on me every time I think about something. I just need to know.
So I choose to pull away from everyone knowing in advance that they simply won’t understand.
Anyone else knows out there? Cause I sure don’t!
This feeling of necessity, of course, comes from knowing that I always feel better if I somehow unload my thoughts in writing. I know it will help me calm down and relax if I can just find the words to explain. But sometimes there are no words.
Going through this cancer deal brings turmoil that is full of mixed emotions and realizations. I can’t help but thinking that maybe I’m not that eloquent in English to explain the magnitude of this after all. Come to think of it, I doubt I would be articulate enough to describe it in my own language either, let alone my second.
More and more I find myself having mixed feelings about a lot of things. I end up confused and unable to choose. Frustration does not describe what I feel, not even close. If there was one thing that I know I’m good at, is being able to see and judge things from many different angles and then decide. Now I feel that I’m being torn apart by my own strengths, and weaknesses for that matter. Self loathing can’t be good for me, not right now, I know. I try.
There are times that I feel I want to shut down and not think about anything anymore. I really wish I was back in that hospital where I could lie in a bed and have nurses fuss over me. It kills me that I can’t plan anything in advance while there are so many things in my life that need a resolution right now. Can I really plan in advance? I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me anymore. Should I plan by thinking there’s no tomorrow? Or maybe I should act as if there’s nothing wrong, but then again I can’t, because there are a ton of things wrong.
See, that’s why this disease isolates me so much. I’m not scared of death, I’m not afraid to fight, but I don’t know my limits, or the rules, there’s just no standard. How can I explain that to people? Do they think I’m falling apart, or that I’m being a pessimist? Because I know I’m not. No! I just don’t know! I do feel the need to be prepared, but the variables keep changing on me every time I think about something. I just need to know.
So I choose to pull away from everyone knowing in advance that they simply won’t understand.
Anyone else knows out there? Cause I sure don’t!
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