Just a quick note to say that I got back from the hospital a few hours ago. I don't have much energy, and I'm a little groggy but other than that I'm doing surprisingly well. The incisions don't hurt so bad, but my muscles on my shoulders and chest are extremely sore. I know that once the medication that goes directly into the incisions through one of the tubes will run out, the pain will get worse and I'll have to depend on my pills. I don't feel like eating, but I have to try to keep something in my stomach for when I take the pain killers.

The drains are a pain in the neck, but I'm trying to be patient. I have to carry them around wherever I go and empty them every 7-8 hours or so.

I have to go back to the clinic on Friday for another blood test. My blood count is still low.
On Monday I'll see my breast surgeon. She will remove the bandages and the drains that are ready to go.

I'm very tired now, so I think that I shoud take a nap. I'm so grateful that everything went well with the surgery. I trully felt many prayers coming my way. Things went so well, I know I had someone to look after me. Many thanks to everyone out there for their kind thoughts and prayers.

I'll get the pathology report on Monday, so I'll have more to say then. Cheers.

I'm having the surgery early tomorrow morning. My mom, sister and brother are all here by now and they've been taking such good care of me that I feel completely spoiled!

My sister prepares those gourmet meals everyday, and both her and my mom make sure I take my medicine and my vitamins, they cut fruit and make all kinds of healthy snacks for me. My mom keeps the house clean while Mikie and Antonis play with the kids endless hours. Everybody is well taken care of. It's amazing! Lets just say that when they leave it will be super hard to go back to the way things were before they were here.

I feel a little nervous about tomorrow, but I know that there are many people praying for me so that gives me courage. I have no idea when the next time I'll be able to post, but hopefully sometime later this week I'll have an update.

For the time being I'll just have to fight my nerves and try to keep calm. Until tomorrow...

Days go by slowly. I still feel weak from the last chemo, but I'm getting better. My mom and sister are going to arrive to Chicago today. They will stay at my mom's cousin for a couple of days and then head down to Ohio. I'm very excited to see them! I'm worried about having the house clean, but I can't do much. It will have to do.

Tomorrow I have another appointment at the oncologist's office for a last blood test before the surgery. I have a pre-admition test (EKG, physical etc.) at the hospital on Monday. I also have an appointment with the anaesthesiologist for a consultation. After that the clock will start ticking. I have to stop taking Coumadin on the 19th and replace it with some other medicine that I'm supposed to inject to myself. I'm hoping my mom can do it. She's an expert at giving shots. I actually learned from her, long before I went to college.

I need to be at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning on Monday the 24th. The surgery is scheduled for 7:00 am. I'm still nervous, but I'm coping. Everyday I think about it, but as time goes by it gets to be less and less disturbing. I guess I'm getting used to the idea.

I know there's more to a person that a good body or a cute face, and people who fail to see this are living a dream, and it's not a good one either. They are up for a rude awakening as time goes by and their physical appearance changes, which is inevitable of course. I know I will still be me even with a changed body, only I will have learned a few things on the way. I can see it now.

Well I guess that's all for now. I have a few errands I need to run today. I'm hoping I can do a few things before I get really tired again.

The day has been quiet so far. We had a small celebration for Brian's birthday, he didn't want to make a big deal out of it this year. He liked his present so that's nice.

I'm in my room getting some rest now. I told the kids to come to me if they need anything and to pretend that dad is not here. He's in his office working.

Sally left last night with William. Her flight was leaving early this morning from Dayton, so William took her to the airport. She worked so hard when she was here! I'm so grateful, but I also feel bad I was not able to help.

I don't have much else to say. I'm much calmer now. I'm sure that I'll start getting more nervous again as the days go by and the day of the surgery is getting closer. For the time being I try to take it easy, one day at a time.

I have a list of things that I need to have ready for the surgery. I found it on a message board and it seems very helpful. I need to find the strength to go out and get some of the stuff that I don't already have. I ordered a special camisole that comes with pockets for the drains. Everybody on the MB said that it's a must have. I also need to buy some big button down shirts. Apparently you're kind of swollen the first few days so your own clothes don't fit, plus you can't raise your arms so the only thing you can wear for a while are those shirts. I also need one of those round cushions that go around your neck when you travel. The ladies on the board say it's impossible to sleep in your bed, you have to sleep on a recliner and this really helps. I need a pillow that I will need to hold under my arm so that my skin there doesn't get irritated from rubbing against the skin of my torso. They say the incision doesn't hurt so bad, it's the drains that hurt.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a good day and I'll be able to go get some of the stuff. Or maybe I'll wait until my mom and sister will be here in a few days and they can help me.
I still can't get used to the idea. It's been 6 years since I have seen anyone from my family. They haven't even seen Natalie yet. It feels unreal.

I better get some rest now before the kids come knocking on my door asking for things.
My bones hurt again today. What's new...

I made the call. I've been thinking about it for days, but I reached the decision and I immediately knew that this is one call that I have to make myself. I picked up the receiver and dialed the number of the breast surgeon. As if I was being mocked, or rather tortured, I got their answering machine 3-4 times in a row saying they're busy helping other patients. Each time I had to muster the courage to dial the stupid number again. When I finally got them on the phone I took a big breath and told them my decision. I want a bilateral mastectomy. Now they officially have me down for the surgery on the 24th of August.

I feel quite calmer now that this part is out of the way. I know I made the right choice. At least I don't have to worry about making up my mind, which is what has been driving me crazy the last few days. I'm still a little worried though. It's not so easy. I still have this picture in my mind, my chest empty, with two bloody scars on it. I don't understand how some women can be so strong about it. I guess I'm a wimp. It will take me a while to accept this new reality, the new me. Sometimes I just can't swallow my fear, it's too much.

I've been feeling very lonely lately. No wonder. Brian is very busy with work, he works non stop until very late so we really have no time to talk or see each other at all. We had a short conversation a couple of days ago. He told me he's overwhelmed and tired. The stress from work is starting to get to him. I understand but it's hard.

Still, I know what I have to do and I won't let cancer, or anything else that is under my control for that matter, take me away from my children and the things I still have to offer them. If I keep this in mind I know that it can quiet all my fears and worries. I have to do it for them and pray that in the meantime it won't jump up and show its ugly face somewhere else.

We'll see...

The kids are back home and the house is full of fun, laughter, noise, whining, and arguing again. It's like they were never gone! Brian and I are glad to have everybody back. We can't get enough of them.

Natalie loved her new room. It looks awesome! Darian has grown even taller than the last time I saw him, David is back to teasing the two little ones, and it's nice to have Sally here with us again.

Today has been quiet. Sally of course is full of energy and as I'm typing these lines she's outside with the kids pulling weeds. I wish I could join them, just to have something to do other than feeling lousy in my room, but I'm not supposed to be touching dirt, or be in the sun.

My breast surgeon called not too long ago. She wanted to let me know that she had a chance to look at the MRI and both the oncologist and her agree that the right breast needs to be removed. She also added that I'll have to stop taking the blood thinner 5 days before surgery and have an injection of some other kind of medicine instead. I'll have to stop the day of the surgery and then start again shortly after.

The one issue still pending is whether I'll have a bilateral now or later. I've spent endless hours thinking about it and have not been able to come to a decision. How does one decide or come to terms with something like this? I keep playing the different scenarios in my head and all them stink because the outcome remains the same.

I know that what makes sense is to have a bilateral now. It minimizes the risk of having to deal with this again, at least on that spot. My priority should be to beat the cancer out of me, not how I will look, or feel about my self afterwards. It's a tough decision either way. Deep down I know what the right thing to do is, I just need to swallow it.

The doctor told me that she'll be waiting for a call from me when I make up my mind. I think I'll call her before I start doubting again. Of course I feel scared and insecure. It's only a couple of weeks away before my body changes forever. I feel the need to talk about it just so that I can hear my own voice admitting that I know what the right thing to do is, over and over again.

Well, that's that. I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription before they close.
I'll whine again some other time.

Countdown

What a day! I went to see the breast surgeon. One of the toughest days, if not THE toughest, I've had so far. Everything started out fine. She was glad to see the tumor had shrunk significantly, she wanted another MRI so I reminded her I just had one a few weeks ago (mercy, I confess!!). She said she wasn't aware so it's OK, I don't need another one (that was a close one!)

Then she spent a good 10 minutes trying to break the news to me that I need a mastectomy. I let her go on and on. I didn't want to ruin the performance. She was trying so hard to explain to me that the size of the tumor could be dealt with a lumpectomy, but the change in my skin and the fact that there's still some swelling suggests that a mastectomy would be the wisest thing to do. Lady, I'm way ahead of you!

Anyway, I told her I had already decided to have a mastectomy and I'm actually thinking of having a bilateral. She seemed relieved. We had many questions to ask about the timing and all the procedures.

So I'll have the surgery on the 21st, then continue with radiation 3 weeks later, 5 days a week for 5 weeks, then wait for about 8 months to have the reconstruction. I was a little shaken by the fact that it's going to take so long.

When I asked her about removing both breasts she said that some women prefer to have both breasts removed at the same time, others wait to remove the second one when they do the reconstruction. Then you have at least one that won't have scar tissue (apparently radiation does a number on your skin, thus making the reconstruction a real challenge, to say the least)

Everything went fine up until that point. I didn't hear anything that I didn't already know, except the date of the surgery and the duration of the radiation.

Then I asked how many days I would be in hospital, expecting to hear at least 2-3 days. "It's an overnight procedure" she said. I couldn't believe my ears! I have heard women complaining and even protesting and collecting signatures about what they call "drive thru mastectomies" , but by reading the blogs most women report that they had at least 2 days.

I can't believe that they hack you and then send you packing the next day. Of course you have to go back to the hospital countless times withing the next 10 days for them to check things, remove drains, and tubes they leave hanging out of the incision! I was flabbergasted! That's just my luck. Everything has to be hard till the very end. I can't catch a break.

We asked a few more questions and then said our thank yous and goodbyes and headed to our car. I felt broken. I couldn't hold my tears back. All my fears were released and I fell into a downward spiral until hours later I hit rock bottom. I'm still trying to recover.

I'm not sure what hit me so hard. The fact that I actually have a date for my mastectomy? Perhaps that I have about a week to think and decide if I want it bilaterally now and suffer the consequences or later and prolong an already painful and uncomfortable situation? That I feel like cattle being pushed and poked through a grinder? That I'll never be the same again? Where do I begin?

The truth is I was not prepared for this mini break down. I think others might say it's expected, but it caught me completely off guard. I think it was just a release after all those days of stressing about the appointment, who knows. If I were a drinking person I would have liked to get hammered right about then. I wanted to be numbed and shut down. I couldn't stand thinking about things anymore, and I couldn't stand feeling the pain. So what could I have done?

I bet most of you know the answer already, and I know it too. Well, what can I say? I felt that I couldn't pray right then. I didn't have the peace of mind to put 2 thoughts together, let alone articulate how messed up I felt. My only hope was that He already knew and that He'd take care of me regardless. But considering the amount of distress I felt I guess that's not how it works.

Finally I was able to calm down enough to only think about Him and that was all that was needed. I know that everything happens for a reason, I don't know what I have to learn from all those hardships yet, but I know that I'll be prepared when I'm called to use what I have learned from all this. I get the feeling that I have to learn to be tough because we shall all have more tough times ahead of us.

It's a long and unpleasant process. Sometimes I wish I could deactivate, just like those robots in science fiction movies, but I have to make do with what I've been given, and unfortunately I was not designed with an off switch. Which means I have to tough it out and learn whatever I can while doing it. So that's what I'm prepared to do.

This thing will not wipe me out. I think I now understand that the battle is not necessarily about beating cancer, but surviving and prevailing from our own fears.

There I go being all cerebral and such. I better take my pills and call it a night. A long night.

The appointment with the breast surgeon is tomorrow. I've been thinking about it all day.
I searched on Google images for mastectomy. I felt my heart sinking lower and lower. Cuts, scars, and bruises, but no faces. I wonder how those women's faces would look. Sad? Scared? Or maybe happy to be still alive, I don't know.

Ugh! Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and wish this thing away. Yeah, I know. No luck there.

I try to imagine my body different. I think my old clothes might fit again if I lose some "volume" up front. I can't help but feeling that it's unfair, not right, and I want to scream "Why me? Why any of us? Why isn't there a cure yet?" but a lot of good that would do.

I feel so alone. Today I went out for a few minutes and I saw a lady in her car wearing a scarf on her head to hide her bald head. My heart skipped a beat. I was wearing my wig at the moment and I felt like yelling out "I have it too" and taking my wig off. Of course I didn't. I just looked at her knowingly as she drove away to face her own fears and nightmares and I was left with mine.

At the end of the day we fight our fights alone and although I have experienced so much kindness, love and care from countless people since this has happened, I still feel like I'm alone in this. I do find comfort in prayer, especially when I pray for everyday things and my family. If I can still pray for normal things, like I used to, it somehow means that I can go on with my normal life, I can hang on and not worry about beating any big fights for my life and staying alive. I'm kidding myself, of course. I know that it all comes down to this.

I'm worried about this surgery. My heart seems to be beating so fast since I started chemo. I get so tired and as my defences have gone down gradually I feel weaker and weaker. Will my heart make it through the surgery? I guess we'll find out.

Today more than any other time I feel that it really stinks to not have loads of money. Brian always tells me how his Grandpa says that money isn't everything, but it sure beats whatever is in second place! LOL!! Wise Grandpa! :-)

As the medical bills have started pilling up and Brian has less billable hours because he has to stay home and take care of me we have started to see things getting tighter and tighter. I don't know what else to do. It's unfair to fight for your life and worry about paying all those bills at the same time. Will there ever be a day where money will not be an issue? I might not even be alive to see it. At least when Brian worked for P&G he had a life insurance for me too.

As these dark thoughts keep pouring out of me, I feel that my only happy thought for the day is that my kids will be coming back on Tuesday. I've missed them so much. But then the devil whispers in the back of my mind, "you can't even take care of them" and my happy feelings disappear.

It's true. I'll be overwhelmed. Sick and overwhelmed while they struggle day after day to get my attention and spend the time they used to when I felt better. Coming on my bed and spending hours at my feet while I feel too sick to get up and get food for them. Of course someone else will be here to take of their needs, but it's not going to be me. I know how much they want this back and it kills me to admit that I can't do it anymore.

Another day gone. My heart is heavy but I feel OK physically. Emotionally not so well. Can you tell?