Some would say that it's stupid to live in constant denial. I say that sometimes it makes all the difference between life and death.

From the way beauty fades as we grow older, to all the heartwarming feelings that we realize we'll never experience again, to the total lack of interest in things that once used to be life's little guilty pleasures. They are all long gone, but we somehow try to convince ourselves that we still got them or, even more pathetic, that we can still win them back.

There are however those few moments of clarity. The moments when the truth hits you in the face like a stinky fish, just to remind you of all the things you don't really have anymore. And for a few horrifying minutes you know deep down, of all the things that aren't there anymore. And you hurt, even shed a tear or two. But then you manage to recompose and shudder the bad thoughts away. You try to remind yourself that you have to think positive and that this somehow is what you need to do whenever you happen to feel this way. Think positive. We don't dare to say it how it really is. We lie to ourselves. We live in denial. Just to be able to make it another day.

So, here's to kingdoms past and unfulfilled dreams. Here's to love, and beauty and every illusion of happiness we have ever left behind, never to find it again but only in our times of complete denial. Cheers!

Radiation stinks too!

I wish I could say that I'm feeling fine, but it would be a lie. I'm tired, in pain and sad. I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but I can't. I can barely move with all those painful burns all over my chest and throat.

I haven't put up the Christmas decorations yet. I'm hoping the boys will be able to help me this weekend. The house is a mess and there's nothing I can really do about it, other than look at it and feel horrible.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. It's so disheartening for me to realize that deep down I really wish I didn't have to worry about Christmas this year. It's too much. I'm glad I did some on-line shopping a couple of weeks ago, so I have most of the kids' and Brian's gifts ready, but other than that, I really don't have the energy to do anything else.

Natalie has started pre-school, so the house seems empty and quiet. The first couple of days I was glad to have a little break. Now I realize she really is one of the few reasons I have left to keep going.

So, I'm stuck in a recliner, not being able to move around too much, and not being able to eat or drink, because my throat hurts so bad when I swallow. I'm just watching TV and keep popping pain killers as I'm holding my breath trying to get them down without screaming in pain.

I know it sounds crazy to say it, but I'd rather be in a hospital than here. I hate trying to drag myself around and then having to accept that the only thing I can do with success is... sit in a chair. At least in a hospital you have the feeling of being sick, and you're taken care of as a sick person should be. Here I always struggle with the feeling that I'm not doing enough. There are always things to do, and in every step I realize I can't do them. It's driving me crazy!

The doctor gave me another week off radiation, so now I'll definitely have treatments until Christmas, but even with the 2 week break my burns are getting worse every day. The doctor said it's because even though I don't get any treatments, the radiation still works. My blood count is low again, so I've been feeling weak and dizzy.

I'll go back on Monday and the doctor will decide if I can resume treatments. I don't even know if this is good or bad. I guess I'm too tired to even respond.
I wish I had a switch I could flip on and off... I don't think I've ever wanted anything else so bad. Maybe I should ask Santa! Oh, wait...never mind.