I've been thinking...

I read an article yesterday about a recent research on Triple Negative Cancer. There were many interesting facts and I found a lot of good advice to follow.

One thing though that caught my eye, made me feel really nervous. This oncologist was talking about a new drug that is now being used together with chemo (I didn't use this) and has increased the expectancy of a recurrence to 6.8 months instead of 3.3!! Come again?? Did I read this right? Do I really have an average of 3.3 months before this thing sprouts somewhere else?

I spent almost my entire night thinking of dying. Would I be scared? No, I concluded, it will be fine. But when I think about the kids...that's a different story.

Brian was able to ease my fears a little bit. The fact that he made the effort, encouraging me and holding me in his arms, was more important to me than the actual words. What words could really comfort a person facing death?

It was 4:00 am when I finally gave up on the possibility of going to sleep on my own and took a sleeping pill. I finally closed my eyes around 4:30 am. I woke up this morning late. Brian was already up working and he had already taken the kids to school.I felt so blessed, but also guilty.

My mind started wondering about all those ugly thoughts that occupy my mind lately. Not just about the cancer, but mostly about my future, my worth as a human being, my place in my house, my family, the whole world. Do I have any value? Am I just spent? Do I have anything to offer still? Do I matter?

So often people associate their value on what other people around them, especially loved ones, think of them. If my spouse thinks I'm pretty, then I'm confident. If my boss says I'm a good employer then I'm successful, if my parents say I'm a good girl then I'm in the right path.

Yesterday I stopped and thought a lot about this. I believe that I have a purpose here on earth. I don't believe I came here after a series of coincidences or random acts. I believe that there is a greater power that created us. He loves us and he oversees things. I also believe that I was made to look after his own image. I believe he handpicked me and placed me here for a purpose. He chose me, and he chose my husband and our kids to be together on this earth and whatever follows after it. Most of all, he loves me, no matter what, and he is there for me in my darkest hours, when I humble myself and ask.

I get my value from him, not anybody else. If he says that I'm worthy to be here at this place and this time, who am I to argue? Do I loose my value, just because bad things happened to me, or because I made a few mistakes? I don't think so. If he says that he loves me, why wouldn't I feel worthy of love? If he says that he forgives me, why should I be so hard on myself? If he says that I'm the best of his creations, why would I feel so down on my self?

I think we should recalibrate. Find our worth and value where it truly lies. With our Heavenly Father and not with those around us. We should put our chin up and continue down the path he has for us. Head held up high, no matter how battered we are. He still loves us, he still chose us, we are still his children and he will provide for us always.

:-)

Freedom!

It’s 7:45 am. All three kids have gone to school and B to work. I sit on my bed and breathe in the silence in the air. What an incredible feeling! For years now I’ve always had at times the youngest of my kids around my skirt. This is the first time that they all go to school.

I don’t know what to do with my new found freedom. Many things have already crossed my mind. I think about maybe volunteering at the hospital, at least this is my top preference for now, but then I second guess myself. Is it too soon to be in an environment full of sick, sometimes dying people? It hasn’t been that long since I considered myself one of them. So I think, and rethink, but for now I haven’t decided yet. I used to volunteer at the school before I got sick, but we’re half way through the school year, the positions are already filled. Maybe find a job somewhere, but where?

I swipe away the thoughts and try to concentrate on what I should do right now instead. Maybe I should clean up the family room and the kitchen a little bit, maybe my bedroom too, where everybody’s stuff seem to end up in these days. But I look at the clock again and change my mind. It’s not even 8:00 yet! And then I find it! I will stay in my bed and enjoy a few moment of doing nothing. Then I’ll have to do something for myself, a nice hot bath, or walk on the treadmill first and then take the nice hot bath, then drink a yummy hot chocolate by the warm fire of the fireplace while reading a good book.

This day will be mine to savor every free minute of it. So, I’m going to snooze a little bit more, and go on to pamper myself right after. You should probably do the same too. We all deserve it!

The End

It's been little over a week since I finished radiation. As expected, my skin all around the incision is red, dry and it hurts like heck. It actually looks like cooked flesh, really disgusting! I've been taking oxycodone, a lot of it... All it does is make me feel loopy, and takes the edge off the pain.

My last radiation was on the 28th. Brian's family was still here, so we all went out for dinner to celebrate...the big event. It still hasn't registered to my brain.
It feels strange not to have to go for treatment every day. I started at the beginning of October! I would almost say I miss it, but my pain keeps me well grounded! :-)

I'm thinking I should close this blog and start a new one. This one has served its purpose. It has been a way for me to vent during my entire treatment. Now I don't really want to talk about cancer anymore. At the end I did feel that I had reached my limit, now I'm glad it's over. I want it all behind me as I start the new year, hopefully a better one.

I am so grateful to all of you for reading this blog and keeping me in your prayers. I know there were times that it was only those prayers that carried me through. I'm so thankful for all those e-mails I received giving me hope and helping me hang in there, and all the help from family and friends who came to visit. It's great to have people that care about you and are willing to go the extra mile to keep you going too. I couldn't have done it without you.

That's all for now. I'll be back with any updates, good or bad. :-)