Have you ever looked in the mirror and found your self to be surprised at what you see looking back at you? It happens to me all the time lately.
Ever since I've had the mastectomy I obviously look different. I've always been a busty girl, so it feels really strange to have nothing left there anymore. I refuse to wear the prosthetic forms that came with the special camisole I bought before surgery. I tried wearing them a couple of times, but I can't help feeling ridiculous! It feels so fake, and useless, not to mention that it itches like crazy!
So these days when I look at my sick reflection in the mirror, even I can't recognize me anymore! I've gain a lot of weight during chemo ( the doctor kindly explained to me that it happens frequently to pre-menopause women), I barely have any hair, my eye lashes are almost all gone and my eye brows are just starting to grow back. My eyes have sunken in their sockets and I have deep black circles under them.
The funny thing is that after almost 2 months without any chemo inside me, I actually feel a lot better. I'm stronger and I have much more energy. The surgery set me back, but only a little bit. Still, whenever I look at my sorry face in the mirror I can't help but getting startled. Is that really me? What the heck happened to me? Will I ever get back to normal? I feel OK, why don't I look like the way I feel?
I started loosing some weight, so I guess that's a start! But other than that I'm just a sad remembrance of my old self. Battered and tired, frail and deformed. For some reason though, I don't feel defeated yet, not yet. I still have some fight within me, and I won't give up. Am I perhaps delusional? After all, my cancer is very aggressive and has already done a number on me.
There are times when I talk to Brian that I feel the reality of the situation. He always grounds me. Sometimes I really wish he would lie to me, but then again I don't. This is one of the reasons I love him so deeply, no crap coming from him. Always the truth. I know what I'm up against. I can prepare for what's about to come around the corner.
I feel the need to be with my children, see them grow and be there for them. This is what keeps me going. I want to be in my children's lives for as long as they need me. So I guess I'll keep trying. As long as I can.
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Mesothelioma Cancer Awareness
A message from our friends at http://www.asbestos.com/
Mesothelioma is a rare and aggressive cancer. One of the primary mesothelioma causes is asbestos exposure. The cancer develops in the mesothelium, a protective membrane that lines three body cavities: the thoracic cavity (pleura), abdominal cavity (peritoneum) and the heart sac (pericardium).
A mesothelioma patient’s prognosis, or the probable course and outcome of a disease’s influence on the body, is influenced by numerous factors. Since a mesothelioma diagnosis often occurs once the cancer has progressed to later stages of development, prognosis is typically poor. However if a patient is diagnosed before the cancer has spread or elects to undergo treatment to combat the cancer, their prognosis may improve.
Asbestos is a naturally occurring toxic mineral that was commonly used throughout the 20th century in thousands of products and many industries. Asbestos is naturally resistant to heat and fire, making it ideal for use in insulation. The mineral was often used in insulation and the fine, flexible fibers were frequently mixed with cement and woven into fabrics. Exposure to asbestos can result in the development of serious illnesses such as malignant mesothelioma, lung cancer and asbestosis.
Like many people before me, I decided to share my thoughts and feelings as written in my personal journal, and also in e-mails I've sent to my family and friends, while struggling with breast cancer. So, if it sounds familiar, please don't fret! I promise that you got the original first, and then it was posted here just so that I don't have to re-write things. Lazy, I know! ;-)
Mesothelioma Cancer Awareness
A message from our friends at http://www.asbestos.com/
Mesothelioma is a rare and aggressive cancer. One of the primary mesothelioma causes is asbestos exposure. The cancer develops in the mesothelium, a protective membrane that lines three body cavities: the thoracic cavity (pleura), abdominal cavity (peritoneum) and the heart sac (pericardium).
A mesothelioma patient’s prognosis, or the probable course and outcome of a disease’s influence on the body, is influenced by numerous factors. Since a mesothelioma diagnosis often occurs once the cancer has progressed to later stages of development, prognosis is typically poor. However if a patient is diagnosed before the cancer has spread or elects to undergo treatment to combat the cancer, their prognosis may improve.
Asbestos is a naturally occurring toxic mineral that was commonly used throughout the 20th century in thousands of products and many industries. Asbestos is naturally resistant to heat and fire, making it ideal for use in insulation. The mineral was often used in insulation and the fine, flexible fibers were frequently mixed with cement and woven into fabrics. Exposure to asbestos can result in the development of serious illnesses such as malignant mesothelioma, lung cancer and asbestosis.
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