I've been feeling somewhat disappointed. I'm in pain, my meds are running out and I have to wait for my insurance to approve more, or else I'd have to pay them full price.

I can't get it out of my mind that people around me have started to give up on me.
When I tell B. he says it's just an idea that got stuck to my mind and that he does not perceive it this way.

I don't know what else to do. There's nothing worse than feeling you're totally hopeless and that there's nothing you can do. I feel I still have the fight in me to shoo this away from me, but the options that doctors give to me, stink, at best!

When I went to my oncologist on Friday he looked at my chest with an almost disgusted look on his face, then I could tell he was bummed and disappointed. Well, the bad news is that chemotherapy all these months did nothing. Of course it had decreased the other cancer cells throughout me body, which is good and I'm so grateful for. Comparison of both PET scans showed that cancer cells at the same spots throughout me body have the tendency to decrease, which is awesome!!

But I still have to live with the discomfort of the burnt to a crisp radiated area on my chest. The scar tissue there is so dense that there's very poor blood circulation. All this chemo was for nothing! It couldn't get through the scar tissue!

Now I'm waiting for the radiologist to confirm our next appointment. She will decide if we can treat the ugly beast with local-on the spot radiation. If not, my oncologist has already given me a prescription for a chemo cream that, from what I heard him mumble, is going to live my skin raw and sore.

I have a hard time sleeping. There's no elasticity to the skin on my chest making it painful to move or turn around. And it's only spreading and getting worse.

I wish I could put an end to this story. A happy end preferably! I woke up this morning so depressed, my first thoughts were "There has to be more we can do about this. I want to fight! It's skin cancer for heaven's sake!" I went straight to Brian's office and asked him if he had a second to talk. I know he really didn't, but he was kind enough to say yes and we talked.

I needed to hear the voice of logic. Sometimes I get so emotionally overwhelmed that common truth and logic just doesn't register. I'm glad I can talk to him and he can bring me gently down, the way only he can. I'm so grateful to have him!

A couple of hours later he climbed in bed with me, and held me while I was crying in despair of not finding a solution for all this. There never is. Cancer changes your life and the life of your family forever! Nothing can be normal again.

My daughter who is 5 and a half now, remembers now, that I used to do a lot more things with her, like take walks and go to the park, or play games. She asks me why don't we do those things anymore and I have to explain to her that I'm really sick. She puts her caring hat on and starts playing doctor with me. She's always the doctor who makes me feel better. She's also the only one who insists on looking at my scars! She doesn't mind at all! She just whines that I don't take baths with her anymore and that it used to be so much fun when we did.

My kids have to accept the fact that mom is sick and she feels weak most of the time. She can only do one thing at a time and then she has to rest.

I'm glad though that no matter how tough things get, I'm there, they're with me and we all pull together. I've had days where I was so out of it, B was gone on a business trip and all I could do in my Oxycontin medicated existence was order pizza and then get back to bed. But the kids will come to me, sit around my bed, we talk, share stories and crack jokes. Lot's of times we just all sleep together in the same room. One on the floor, one on the recliner, one with mom on the bed. It's like camping, only indoors! We all love it! I'm so glad I kept them here this summer!

And now that I think about it, I am blessed because my kids are healthy and good and I'd rather suffer 10 times worse than have one of them to deal with 1/10 of what I'm going through.
And the same goes for B. I'm just grateful that he's alright.

That's all my ranting for tonight. My bones hurt and I'm tired, so I think Ill be able to sleep.

Sweet dreams!