I've been thinking...

I read an article yesterday about a recent research on Triple Negative Cancer. There were many interesting facts and I found a lot of good advice to follow.

One thing though that caught my eye, made me feel really nervous. This oncologist was talking about a new drug that is now being used together with chemo (I didn't use this) and has increased the expectancy of a recurrence to 6.8 months instead of 3.3!! Come again?? Did I read this right? Do I really have an average of 3.3 months before this thing sprouts somewhere else?

I spent almost my entire night thinking of dying. Would I be scared? No, I concluded, it will be fine. But when I think about the kids...that's a different story.

Brian was able to ease my fears a little bit. The fact that he made the effort, encouraging me and holding me in his arms, was more important to me than the actual words. What words could really comfort a person facing death?

It was 4:00 am when I finally gave up on the possibility of going to sleep on my own and took a sleeping pill. I finally closed my eyes around 4:30 am. I woke up this morning late. Brian was already up working and he had already taken the kids to school.I felt so blessed, but also guilty.

My mind started wondering about all those ugly thoughts that occupy my mind lately. Not just about the cancer, but mostly about my future, my worth as a human being, my place in my house, my family, the whole world. Do I have any value? Am I just spent? Do I have anything to offer still? Do I matter?

So often people associate their value on what other people around them, especially loved ones, think of them. If my spouse thinks I'm pretty, then I'm confident. If my boss says I'm a good employer then I'm successful, if my parents say I'm a good girl then I'm in the right path.

Yesterday I stopped and thought a lot about this. I believe that I have a purpose here on earth. I don't believe I came here after a series of coincidences or random acts. I believe that there is a greater power that created us. He loves us and he oversees things. I also believe that I was made to look after his own image. I believe he handpicked me and placed me here for a purpose. He chose me, and he chose my husband and our kids to be together on this earth and whatever follows after it. Most of all, he loves me, no matter what, and he is there for me in my darkest hours, when I humble myself and ask.

I get my value from him, not anybody else. If he says that I'm worthy to be here at this place and this time, who am I to argue? Do I loose my value, just because bad things happened to me, or because I made a few mistakes? I don't think so. If he says that he loves me, why wouldn't I feel worthy of love? If he says that he forgives me, why should I be so hard on myself? If he says that I'm the best of his creations, why would I feel so down on my self?

I think we should recalibrate. Find our worth and value where it truly lies. With our Heavenly Father and not with those around us. We should put our chin up and continue down the path he has for us. Head held up high, no matter how battered we are. He still loves us, he still chose us, we are still his children and he will provide for us always.

:-)

Freedom!

It’s 7:45 am. All three kids have gone to school and B to work. I sit on my bed and breathe in the silence in the air. What an incredible feeling! For years now I’ve always had at times the youngest of my kids around my skirt. This is the first time that they all go to school.

I don’t know what to do with my new found freedom. Many things have already crossed my mind. I think about maybe volunteering at the hospital, at least this is my top preference for now, but then I second guess myself. Is it too soon to be in an environment full of sick, sometimes dying people? It hasn’t been that long since I considered myself one of them. So I think, and rethink, but for now I haven’t decided yet. I used to volunteer at the school before I got sick, but we’re half way through the school year, the positions are already filled. Maybe find a job somewhere, but where?

I swipe away the thoughts and try to concentrate on what I should do right now instead. Maybe I should clean up the family room and the kitchen a little bit, maybe my bedroom too, where everybody’s stuff seem to end up in these days. But I look at the clock again and change my mind. It’s not even 8:00 yet! And then I find it! I will stay in my bed and enjoy a few moment of doing nothing. Then I’ll have to do something for myself, a nice hot bath, or walk on the treadmill first and then take the nice hot bath, then drink a yummy hot chocolate by the warm fire of the fireplace while reading a good book.

This day will be mine to savor every free minute of it. So, I’m going to snooze a little bit more, and go on to pamper myself right after. You should probably do the same too. We all deserve it!

The End

It's been little over a week since I finished radiation. As expected, my skin all around the incision is red, dry and it hurts like heck. It actually looks like cooked flesh, really disgusting! I've been taking oxycodone, a lot of it... All it does is make me feel loopy, and takes the edge off the pain.

My last radiation was on the 28th. Brian's family was still here, so we all went out for dinner to celebrate...the big event. It still hasn't registered to my brain.
It feels strange not to have to go for treatment every day. I started at the beginning of October! I would almost say I miss it, but my pain keeps me well grounded! :-)

I'm thinking I should close this blog and start a new one. This one has served its purpose. It has been a way for me to vent during my entire treatment. Now I don't really want to talk about cancer anymore. At the end I did feel that I had reached my limit, now I'm glad it's over. I want it all behind me as I start the new year, hopefully a better one.

I am so grateful to all of you for reading this blog and keeping me in your prayers. I know there were times that it was only those prayers that carried me through. I'm so thankful for all those e-mails I received giving me hope and helping me hang in there, and all the help from family and friends who came to visit. It's great to have people that care about you and are willing to go the extra mile to keep you going too. I couldn't have done it without you.

That's all for now. I'll be back with any updates, good or bad. :-)

Some would say that it's stupid to live in constant denial. I say that sometimes it makes all the difference between life and death.

From the way beauty fades as we grow older, to all the heartwarming feelings that we realize we'll never experience again, to the total lack of interest in things that once used to be life's little guilty pleasures. They are all long gone, but we somehow try to convince ourselves that we still got them or, even more pathetic, that we can still win them back.

There are however those few moments of clarity. The moments when the truth hits you in the face like a stinky fish, just to remind you of all the things you don't really have anymore. And for a few horrifying minutes you know deep down, of all the things that aren't there anymore. And you hurt, even shed a tear or two. But then you manage to recompose and shudder the bad thoughts away. You try to remind yourself that you have to think positive and that this somehow is what you need to do whenever you happen to feel this way. Think positive. We don't dare to say it how it really is. We lie to ourselves. We live in denial. Just to be able to make it another day.

So, here's to kingdoms past and unfulfilled dreams. Here's to love, and beauty and every illusion of happiness we have ever left behind, never to find it again but only in our times of complete denial. Cheers!

Radiation stinks too!

I wish I could say that I'm feeling fine, but it would be a lie. I'm tired, in pain and sad. I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but I can't. I can barely move with all those painful burns all over my chest and throat.

I haven't put up the Christmas decorations yet. I'm hoping the boys will be able to help me this weekend. The house is a mess and there's nothing I can really do about it, other than look at it and feel horrible.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. It's so disheartening for me to realize that deep down I really wish I didn't have to worry about Christmas this year. It's too much. I'm glad I did some on-line shopping a couple of weeks ago, so I have most of the kids' and Brian's gifts ready, but other than that, I really don't have the energy to do anything else.

Natalie has started pre-school, so the house seems empty and quiet. The first couple of days I was glad to have a little break. Now I realize she really is one of the few reasons I have left to keep going.

So, I'm stuck in a recliner, not being able to move around too much, and not being able to eat or drink, because my throat hurts so bad when I swallow. I'm just watching TV and keep popping pain killers as I'm holding my breath trying to get them down without screaming in pain.

I know it sounds crazy to say it, but I'd rather be in a hospital than here. I hate trying to drag myself around and then having to accept that the only thing I can do with success is... sit in a chair. At least in a hospital you have the feeling of being sick, and you're taken care of as a sick person should be. Here I always struggle with the feeling that I'm not doing enough. There are always things to do, and in every step I realize I can't do them. It's driving me crazy!

The doctor gave me another week off radiation, so now I'll definitely have treatments until Christmas, but even with the 2 week break my burns are getting worse every day. The doctor said it's because even though I don't get any treatments, the radiation still works. My blood count is low again, so I've been feeling weak and dizzy.

I'll go back on Monday and the doctor will decide if I can resume treatments. I don't even know if this is good or bad. I guess I'm too tired to even respond.
I wish I had a switch I could flip on and off... I don't think I've ever wanted anything else so bad. Maybe I should ask Santa! Oh, wait...never mind.

The radiation has been going on as planned. With the exception of 2 times they had to cancel my appointment because there was some trouble with the machine, I have completed 8 treatments so far.

After my first week of treatment my back had started to really hurt. When I talked to the doctor last Monday she gave me some pain medication. We talked about ways that could probably help the pain so we agreed that I should start taking some anti-flammatory pills and see how it goes. After all that was said and done she casually mentioned "Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you that we found a spot in your right lung, it's really small, about 4mm, but we should look at it to make sure that everything is still OK.” I was devastated...

She said that she would compare my X-Ray with my previous CAT scan and see if the "spot" was something that pre-existed. It could be something completely innocent, like traces of a bad bronchitis that I had at some point etc. or something that would completely change things around, like a metastasis.

I spent an agonizing week, (no one called to give me an update or anything), thinking about all the different scenarios, and preparing my self for the worst. My Dr.’s appointments are usually on Mondays, so today was the day I was finally going to find out.

After my regular treatment was done a nurse took my vitals and led me to the Dr.'s office. A few minutes later a guy I had never seen before walked in. "Hello, I'm Dr. So and So", I didn't really catch his name. I thought "uh,oh they sent someone else to give me that bad news" but I didn't say anything. He started talking to me about the general side effects of radiation and such, which I found rather peculiar. I had been told all this before, several times as a matter of fact, what's the deal here? Soon after the Dr. finished all he had to say he asked politely "Do you have any questions?" Brian and I looked at each other. You have got to be kidding me!

I said "Dr. Leavik mentioned last week that she had noticed a spot in my right lung. She was supposed to compare the new X-Rays with my CAT scan and let me know..."
I saw his eyes twitch a little bit and he quickly looked down on the folder that was on his lap and started shifting all the papers around. "Uuuuh, I don't see anything here about that...How about I go find your scans and I'll cal you back later this afternoon. I’m really sorry!"

We thanked him and walked out of there pretty frustrated. Not only they hadn't called me, letting me stew on this for an entire week, but when I finally come this week, they act as if nothing had happened!

I'm grateful to that new Dr. that obviously felt really bad about this whole mess and looked into my file right away. He called me not once but twice! The first time to say that the "spot" pre-existed, so he's certain it's nothing serious, and the second time to tell me that the anti-flammatory the other Dr. told me to take, could cause nausea (which I had felt all of last week and couldn’t figure out why) stomach ulcers, and if combined with the Coumadin that I already take, it could cause serious bleeding!

I'm very relieved to hear that the cancer hasn't metastasized to my lung, and I'm glad that other doctor was decent enough to care and let me know, but I'm still very frustrated with my doctor! I think I'll call my oncologist. I want to see what he thinks about all this.

Well, other than that I’ve been feeling OK, compared to how I felt during chemo. I get pretty tired, especially in the afternoon, exactly how they said I would. I usually take a 2 hour nap and then I feel tired again around 11:00. I go to bed early so I wake up early. Not bad.

My chest has started to get a little red and I feel a little tingling and pain every now and then, but nothing serious so far.I get hot flashes and I sweat a lot but then get really cold within seconds. I feel dizzy and nauseous sometimes. Sounds like loads of fun, doesn't it? ;-)

I’m on week 3 and I really can’t wait to be done. There are so many things that I would like to do when this is all over. My list keeps growing. Will I have time?

Radiation #1

I had my first real radiation treatment today. I felt so strange walking into the changing room, taking off my clothes and wig, and slipping into the hospital gown. I felt like I was shedding my skin off and getting into a new one. Before and after. The one that helps me pretend to be OK and then the real deal underneath it all, the sick one.

I walked into the radiation lab. Every time there's a new person there to greet me. I don't remember their names, I don't really pay attention. The nurse told me I had to lie down on the same hard metal surface like before and rest my head on the pillow/mold they made for me a few weeks back. Once again I had to raise my arms over my head and reach for the bar that was right behind the pillow. They measured the marks on my chest one more time, made sure everything is in order, and then asked me to turn my head to the left and sit very still.

I was tensed, and every time I relaxed a little bit I thought I was going to move, maybe mess up their marks. I was sure that this would make them be cranky at me. I tried not to move at all, but I felt my back starting to tingle.

After a few last minute adjustments, they were ready to "zap" me. Everybody left the room silently. They were afraid to be exposed to the same radiation that will be infusing my body for the next 7 weeks. I was left there alone, exposed and worried.

The machine started whirling and beeping. It started moving from the very far right side of my body, stopping every minute or so to send the radiation beams down to my chest. Moving slowly, it moved unto a new position every few minutes, sending radiation from a new angle every time. It took about 30 minutes to complete the entire 180 degrees and finish the treatment on the very left side of my torso. The machine stopped making noise and it stopped moving. The nurses came back into the room and announced to me that my first treatment was over. Only 34 to go!

I tried to bring my arms down slowly, but they were completely numb and my shoulders were really sore. I tried to get up, but my back would not cooperate. The pain was killing me! The nurse grabbed unto my arm and helped me get up. She told me that I could stay there for as long as I needed.

I got to my feet slowly and sat to a chair to put my shoes on. I was stiff and sore all over. I managed to go back to the changing room, and put my "disguise" back on. I walked out to the car limping.

Natalie whined to me "What took you so long?" "You don't want to know" I replied to her.
Brian looked at me worried. "Did it hurt?" he asked me.

"No" I said, thinking that tomorrow I'll have to do it all over again...