I’m in the hospital. :-(
I came here this morning (I guess I should say yesterday, since it's 2:00 am now) to do the typical breast cancer tests. CAT scans, X-Rays, MRI, bone scans etc. It took me an entire morning of running around from one place to the other, getting undressed, drinking weird tasting liquids, getting injected and being scanned. I finally got home after several hours, simply exhausted!
I was ready for some much needed rest, but I had barely taken my clothes off when the phones started ringing. The home phone, my cell, Brian's cell...What the heck? Several calls from doctors, nurses and secretaries in a state of panic, who were all trying to reach me and share the "good" news. The CAT scan showed that I had multiple blood clots in my lungs, so I should rush to the Emergency Room!
Well, what do you know!
I put my clothes back on grudgingly, having this sinister idea at the back of my mind that I should just ignore the lot of them and just take a nap instead. But Brian was pretty worried, he called William and asked him to come and stay with the kids, and so we headed back to the hospital.
The staff there had already been told to wait for me, so things moved relatively fast for an ER. After they asked me some questions about my health and how I felt, they took my blood pressure and pulse and I was admitted with no further questions.
They put me in a wheelchair and they took me to a room for an initial check up. A young doctor came to check on me. I explained to him that I was diagnosed with breast cancer only 5 days ago and that when I had my CAT scan they found that I had a pulmonary embolism. He said it's not uncommon to have an embolism when you have a malignant tumor. Great!I got the feeling that he was trying to act casually, but at the same time he avoided looking at me. Is it my idea or am I getting that a lot lately...
Later on someone came and explained to me that they needed to put me on a Heparin IV. When blood clots form in our body the treatment is not to try to get rid of them, but to make it easier for the clot to move around, without blocking any arteries. The heparin is a blood thinner that should do the trick.
Since it wouldn't be so practical to be stuck on an IV all the time, I was told that they would give me a different medication after a day or two. Another blood thinner called Coumadin. A pill that will join my other pill friends and will be taken once a day for 6 months. The only drawback, it takes 3-4 days for Coumadin to start working, so the heparin and the Coumedin have to overlap for a few days. In the meantime I have to be monitored to make sure my blood clotting abilities stay within normal range. Not too thin, not too thick, the perfect mix!
I was so tired and they were taking forever. I don't know why. They made it sound that I had to rush there, but here I was 4-5 hours at the exact same condition. I was cranky. I knew I should have trusted my rebel thoughts and stayed home isntead.
They finally gave me a room at about 1:30 in the morning, so here I am in hospital room #5239. I have an IV and I'm strapped with some electrodes on my chest so they can check my heartbeat at all times. Apparently it's racing like a rabbit's heart while chasing a wagon full of delicious carrots!
Let the fun begin! Before I could even understand what was really wrong with me they started taking vitals, blood etc. Within an hour they had taken from me at least 1o vials of blood for tests! They also told me that I'll have to stay here for at least 4 days, until they get me stabilized.
I am so exhausted. I'll try to go to sleep. I just don't want to think about it anymore.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Day 2
I woke up early and my stomach still felt like it did the night before. It had turned into a tight knot that was making it difficult for me to breath! I felt sick. I showered and got ready to go to the hospital for my very first MRI. Oh, joy of joys!
I took a sedative, so by the time we got to the hospital I was already feeling disoriented and oozy. After registration we found our way to Radiology.
Only a few minutes later and I had to leave Brian and Natalie in the waiting room to follow a nurse into the inner sanctum of the "magnetic fields". She lead me to a room with a locker where I had to change into a gown and scrubs.
When I reemerged, dressed up in that ridiculous outfit, she sat me in a wheelchair and she pushed me right outside the MRI room. I was left there waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Now that I think about it I'm not sure if it was really that long, but it did feel like an eternity.
By that time and although the medicine had already started to kick in, everything around me looked empty and unbearably dull. I don't think I started drooling or anything, although I felt so drunk that maybe I did but was too high to even realize!
Thankfully the nurse finally came back and told me to follow her once again. I went into the room where they would do the MRI. She told me I had to lie on my stomach, put both my breast inside two openings that she would adjust for me and stay still for about an hour. Hey, it sounds kinky, I'm in! Then she put an IV on my arm. Not much pain there. I thought "This is going to be a piece of cake!" And it was! Well, sort of.
The radiologist came in, a dude that really couldn't care less and didn't say much. I lied down on the platform that the nurse had already covered with some sheets before I came in, and she placed some funky headphones on my head (they were pretty big). "To listen to music if I wanted to" she said. She tried to keep my hair out of the way, so that I could look at the little mirror that was now placed right in front of my face. Somehow it was showing some cabinets from across the room, but mostly it was reflecting the tips of my hair. Nothing interesting there, so I closed my eyes.
The music was lame, but I was able to relax listening to it. I dozed off and woke up many times, each time at the sound of the nurse's voice telling me how long the next scan would last. I lost count after a while and went back to looking in the mirror, the stupid cabinets, and my newly permed hair with the shiny soft locks that I knew I was going to loose sooner or later.
Still nothing interesting there to see. I closed my eyes again. For a moment I thought that when all this is over I ought to remember to tell them that they should put a DVD screen instead of this small mirror. Watching a movie would be much better than their… furniture. I could very easily stay still for 2 hours watching a movie with Johnny Depp. Hmm...but now that I think about it, maybe it would get too hot in that tube. Not only because Johnny would raise the temperature with his slurred words, but the monitor would probably emit enough heat to make it even more uncomfortable in there. So I guess it's a bad idea after all.
Anyway, about 45 -50 minutes later the MRI was over. Right when I was starting to drift into another nice nap, I heard the voice telling me they would get me out of the tube and to "be careful to keep my elbows close to my body". The nurse came in again. She told me that I did great and that I didn't move an inch! :-)
I tried to get up, but to my horror and embarrassment, I couldn't!
I was on my stomach for so long that my back was locked into that place!
I tried to roll on my side but I remembered that my breasts were still...well, down there. I lifted my shoulders up and grabbed the one side of the bed with one hand. I tried to release my breasts from those uncomfortable holes they had been hanging in and tried to cover them at the same time, but my back still would not budge. Awesome!
I think the dude that couldn't care less, probably found me to be a very amusing show at that point.I was finally able to drag my self to the side and crawl out of that thing. The nurse helped me put my gown back on and she led me back to the dressing room to find my clothes and whatever little dignity I had left within me.
I came out when I was fully clothed and ready. I found Brian and Natalie still waiting for me. I could tell they were ready to get out of there. "Same here" I thought.
We stepped out of the entrance of the hospital. It was pretty cold.We got in the car and Brian drove us home. I don't remember talking much, and if we did I don't remember what we talked about. I was still tired and dizzy from the sedative.
When we pulled into our driveway we found some beautiful flowers waiting outside the door. Bryan and the Sandpoint team had sent them along with a really sweet note:
"Dear Stamatia,We send these flowers to make your heart happy today,and we want you to know that we hope and pray for yourspeedy recovery and healing.Love,Bryan & the Sandpoint Team"
They were gorgeous bright spring colors! I put them in our bedroom. Every time I look at them they cheer me up. :-)I decided to stay in my bed for a little rest. I was hoping I could check my e-mail. I sent a few messages to friends and family the night before, so I was curious to read their thoughts.
I found a reply from Maria, always very kind, and another one from Gramma.
Gramma is always so sweet! She wrote me the lyrics to a hymn that one of her friends had sent her when Grampa was in the hospital. It sounded really lovely, but I think the seeds of bitterness have already been sown in my garden.
I know that she was trying to encourage me but unfortunately the timing was bad. Right after my first MRI, after being poked and strapped to an IV and stripped off my clothes and told to lie face down on a cold bed with my breasts hanging in some holes, so that a scan would show a malignant tumor I already know I have in one of them! Let’s just say I wasn’t feeling so receptive to the idea of the glory of His strength at the moment.
Am I becoming a cynic?
Sorry Gramma. :-(
I took a sedative, so by the time we got to the hospital I was already feeling disoriented and oozy. After registration we found our way to Radiology.
Only a few minutes later and I had to leave Brian and Natalie in the waiting room to follow a nurse into the inner sanctum of the "magnetic fields". She lead me to a room with a locker where I had to change into a gown and scrubs.
When I reemerged, dressed up in that ridiculous outfit, she sat me in a wheelchair and she pushed me right outside the MRI room. I was left there waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Now that I think about it I'm not sure if it was really that long, but it did feel like an eternity.
By that time and although the medicine had already started to kick in, everything around me looked empty and unbearably dull. I don't think I started drooling or anything, although I felt so drunk that maybe I did but was too high to even realize!
Thankfully the nurse finally came back and told me to follow her once again. I went into the room where they would do the MRI. She told me I had to lie on my stomach, put both my breast inside two openings that she would adjust for me and stay still for about an hour. Hey, it sounds kinky, I'm in! Then she put an IV on my arm. Not much pain there. I thought "This is going to be a piece of cake!" And it was! Well, sort of.
The radiologist came in, a dude that really couldn't care less and didn't say much. I lied down on the platform that the nurse had already covered with some sheets before I came in, and she placed some funky headphones on my head (they were pretty big). "To listen to music if I wanted to" she said. She tried to keep my hair out of the way, so that I could look at the little mirror that was now placed right in front of my face. Somehow it was showing some cabinets from across the room, but mostly it was reflecting the tips of my hair. Nothing interesting there, so I closed my eyes.
The music was lame, but I was able to relax listening to it. I dozed off and woke up many times, each time at the sound of the nurse's voice telling me how long the next scan would last. I lost count after a while and went back to looking in the mirror, the stupid cabinets, and my newly permed hair with the shiny soft locks that I knew I was going to loose sooner or later.
Still nothing interesting there to see. I closed my eyes again. For a moment I thought that when all this is over I ought to remember to tell them that they should put a DVD screen instead of this small mirror. Watching a movie would be much better than their… furniture. I could very easily stay still for 2 hours watching a movie with Johnny Depp. Hmm...but now that I think about it, maybe it would get too hot in that tube. Not only because Johnny would raise the temperature with his slurred words, but the monitor would probably emit enough heat to make it even more uncomfortable in there. So I guess it's a bad idea after all.
Anyway, about 45 -50 minutes later the MRI was over. Right when I was starting to drift into another nice nap, I heard the voice telling me they would get me out of the tube and to "be careful to keep my elbows close to my body". The nurse came in again. She told me that I did great and that I didn't move an inch! :-)
I tried to get up, but to my horror and embarrassment, I couldn't!
I was on my stomach for so long that my back was locked into that place!
I tried to roll on my side but I remembered that my breasts were still...well, down there. I lifted my shoulders up and grabbed the one side of the bed with one hand. I tried to release my breasts from those uncomfortable holes they had been hanging in and tried to cover them at the same time, but my back still would not budge. Awesome!
I think the dude that couldn't care less, probably found me to be a very amusing show at that point.I was finally able to drag my self to the side and crawl out of that thing. The nurse helped me put my gown back on and she led me back to the dressing room to find my clothes and whatever little dignity I had left within me.
I came out when I was fully clothed and ready. I found Brian and Natalie still waiting for me. I could tell they were ready to get out of there. "Same here" I thought.
We stepped out of the entrance of the hospital. It was pretty cold.We got in the car and Brian drove us home. I don't remember talking much, and if we did I don't remember what we talked about. I was still tired and dizzy from the sedative.
When we pulled into our driveway we found some beautiful flowers waiting outside the door. Bryan and the Sandpoint team had sent them along with a really sweet note:
"Dear Stamatia,We send these flowers to make your heart happy today,and we want you to know that we hope and pray for yourspeedy recovery and healing.Love,Bryan & the Sandpoint Team"
They were gorgeous bright spring colors! I put them in our bedroom. Every time I look at them they cheer me up. :-)I decided to stay in my bed for a little rest. I was hoping I could check my e-mail. I sent a few messages to friends and family the night before, so I was curious to read their thoughts.
I found a reply from Maria, always very kind, and another one from Gramma.
Gramma is always so sweet! She wrote me the lyrics to a hymn that one of her friends had sent her when Grampa was in the hospital. It sounded really lovely, but I think the seeds of bitterness have already been sown in my garden.
I know that she was trying to encourage me but unfortunately the timing was bad. Right after my first MRI, after being poked and strapped to an IV and stripped off my clothes and told to lie face down on a cold bed with my breasts hanging in some holes, so that a scan would show a malignant tumor I already know I have in one of them! Let’s just say I wasn’t feeling so receptive to the idea of the glory of His strength at the moment.
Am I becoming a cynic?
Sorry Gramma. :-(
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Day 1
So here I am. End of day 1 after being diagnosed with breast cancer.
I woke up this morning feeling great. Last night I was up talking to B. until 4:00 am! It was the best talk we've ever had! I'm so lucky to have him. He's so supportive and strong. I really love the guy!
I felt really blessed this morning. I was full of energy and I almost felt happy! Weird, I know. It helps me to know that I have so many people thinking about me and praying for me. I guess it does give strength after all.
I got up at 7:00 am, yes after only 3 hours of sleep. I helped the kids get ready for school and sat down in the office. Time to break the news to my family in Greece.
I had already told Sally the day before. She sent an e-mail out to everyone in the family to let them know. Emily e-mailed me and then called. She always knows how to make people laugh. It was great.
It was already late to call my folks the day before, but I knew that I should do it today.
I was able to get a hold of my brother first. He's so great to talk to about things like this. He really made me feel a lot better. Thanks Antoni mou!:-)
Then I talked to my sister. Mikie already knew that I was going in for a biopsy. Too bad I didn't have good news to share. We had a nice talk. She was a little bit shocked at first, concerned, but she too was able to encourage me. I felt so much better after talking to them. I really miss them both.
Brian had to go to Dayton today. It was hard for me during the day. It's always harder when he's not around. I was in a daze for the rest of the day. I have this tight feeling in my stomach, like somebody gave me a big kick in the gut (not butt, Mr. Smarty Pants.)
I cooked dinner for the kids and when Brian got home around 6:40 I was already feeling tired and ever more scared, if that could ever be possible.
We watched that video game show we had recorded on the DVR and then sent the kids to bed. The 2 of us then went to bed and spent some time talking again. It was comforting. Some times listening to his voice while laying on his chest gives me the most incredible feeling. I'm safe there. Protected. Nothing can go wrong when I'm in his arms listening to his deep soothing voice.
I woke up this morning feeling great. Last night I was up talking to B. until 4:00 am! It was the best talk we've ever had! I'm so lucky to have him. He's so supportive and strong. I really love the guy!
I felt really blessed this morning. I was full of energy and I almost felt happy! Weird, I know. It helps me to know that I have so many people thinking about me and praying for me. I guess it does give strength after all.
I got up at 7:00 am, yes after only 3 hours of sleep. I helped the kids get ready for school and sat down in the office. Time to break the news to my family in Greece.
I had already told Sally the day before. She sent an e-mail out to everyone in the family to let them know. Emily e-mailed me and then called. She always knows how to make people laugh. It was great.
It was already late to call my folks the day before, but I knew that I should do it today.
I was able to get a hold of my brother first. He's so great to talk to about things like this. He really made me feel a lot better. Thanks Antoni mou!:-)
Then I talked to my sister. Mikie already knew that I was going in for a biopsy. Too bad I didn't have good news to share. We had a nice talk. She was a little bit shocked at first, concerned, but she too was able to encourage me. I felt so much better after talking to them. I really miss them both.
Brian had to go to Dayton today. It was hard for me during the day. It's always harder when he's not around. I was in a daze for the rest of the day. I have this tight feeling in my stomach, like somebody gave me a big kick in the gut (not butt, Mr. Smarty Pants.)
I cooked dinner for the kids and when Brian got home around 6:40 I was already feeling tired and ever more scared, if that could ever be possible.
We watched that video game show we had recorded on the DVR and then sent the kids to bed. The 2 of us then went to bed and spent some time talking again. It was comforting. Some times listening to his voice while laying on his chest gives me the most incredible feeling. I'm safe there. Protected. Nothing can go wrong when I'm in his arms listening to his deep soothing voice.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Ground Zero
Today I found out that I have breast cancer. :-(
I know it’s almost paranoid, but I feel so blessed right now. I have a husband that loves me. I have someone to share my deepest thoughts and fears. I know in the core of my heart that we were meant to be together. I also know that I will share this life and the next with him. I love him dearly and he loves me too.
Up until recently I felt that I had no one to support me and that everything worth living for was lost for me. Today I found out that I am surrounded by people that care and love me. I used to tell my therapist “I don’t have a support system” and guess what, I do after all!
I’m touched by the way Sally tried so hard to control her emotions and helped me feel that she’s someone I can always count on.
I’m happy that I got to tell Gramma myself. I really felt her love and concern in her e-mail.
Emily showed her support in her own unique way. By being funny as heck! I so needed a good laugh!
Annie called and left a sweet message offering to help in any way she could.
Love, all around. Family, at last. I do belong.
I’m so happy and relieved about the way Brian and I can talk about anything and everything in the most sincere way.
I feel so empowered by this right now. I feel that for the first time in a very long time I can use my mind again. I see things so clear!
I can look inwards and be able to interpret things that have evaded an explanation from me for years!
Both of us were able to make such progress today. I feel so much closer to him right now. I LOVE HIM! My goodness, I’m madly in love with my husband and he’s mine to keep for ever! Awesome!
I know it’s almost paranoid, but I feel so blessed right now. I have a husband that loves me. I have someone to share my deepest thoughts and fears. I know in the core of my heart that we were meant to be together. I also know that I will share this life and the next with him. I love him dearly and he loves me too.
Up until recently I felt that I had no one to support me and that everything worth living for was lost for me. Today I found out that I am surrounded by people that care and love me. I used to tell my therapist “I don’t have a support system” and guess what, I do after all!
I’m touched by the way Sally tried so hard to control her emotions and helped me feel that she’s someone I can always count on.
I’m happy that I got to tell Gramma myself. I really felt her love and concern in her e-mail.
Emily showed her support in her own unique way. By being funny as heck! I so needed a good laugh!
Annie called and left a sweet message offering to help in any way she could.
Love, all around. Family, at last. I do belong.
I’m so happy and relieved about the way Brian and I can talk about anything and everything in the most sincere way.
I feel so empowered by this right now. I feel that for the first time in a very long time I can use my mind again. I see things so clear!
I can look inwards and be able to interpret things that have evaded an explanation from me for years!
Both of us were able to make such progress today. I feel so much closer to him right now. I LOVE HIM! My goodness, I’m madly in love with my husband and he’s mine to keep for ever! Awesome!
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