I knew that some day I would have to face this, only I didn't expect it to be so soon.
Last night I was invited by my children to attend a music show they had prepared for me in our game room. I walked in the room and saw that indeed they had everything ready. The room was clean, the amp and microphone was ready, music playing in the background.
They gave me a few minutes to sit my tired bones on the recliner. A few seconds later Brian joined us too. Natalie hit play on Darian's mp3 player and notes from Kings and Queens by Aeorsmith filled the room. Natalie was "playing" the fake guitar the boys use to play Rockband, a video game that they all love to play, and David was keeping the rhythm by clapping his hands. Darian picked up the microphone and started singing. He did such a good job! Way to go Darian! We all loved it! It was so special!
I don't know why, but after they were done and we were all together for the first time in a while, all happy and relaxed I thought it might be a good opportunity to talk to them a little bit about what has been going on with me and what to expect next. I know...what was I thinking? What a party pooper!
I started explaining to them that I feel fine, how lucky I am that chemo didn't make me feel too sick the first time, but it might be a little harder as they give me more, and I explained to them some of the symptoms that I have now, like pain in my joints, fatigue, low blood count, shortness of breath etc.
I also wanted to prepare them about the upcoming surgery. I explained to them that chemo was Step 1, but there are more things I need to do afterwards. I tried to explain to them about how the surgery is done and what my choices are.
When I told them that I'll probably do the double mastectomy and not just a lumpectomy, Darian started to get visibly uncomfortable. He wanted to know the odds, and numbers.
I simply answered that I'm not sure and continued to go on, keeping in mind that maybe I'll have to tone things down a little bit, so that they don't begin to worry about me too much.
Brian gave me a look and said in Greek, "Don't you understand? He needs to hear it in numbers." I got it. Darian's ability to understand things is all revolved around numbers, statistics and odds." I quickly back tracked and said that Daddy would explain the odds of not having cancer again after completely removing the breasts in numbers, so you can understand. Brian was able to break it down in simple terms so that everybody understood that whatever my odds of a recurring breast cancer might be, they would be cut by 90% if I removed the breasts.
Then I made sure to explain to them that a plastic surgeon would reconstruct my chest and it would look the same, if not better! Mom would look exactly the same! Nobody will be able to tell that I had surgery and removed my breasts, because I'll have new ones!" I said excitedly.
For David the conclusion was easy. "I think you should do it" he said simply. Darian understood, but still looked uneasy. Natalie was jumping on the treadmill or climbing all over my chair humming songs to her self, so my guess is that she was the easiest to persuade.
I went on explaining them that after the surgery it's going to take me a little longer to recover. It's going to be a bit painful, I'll have a drain for a couple of weeks, I'll need a lot of rest and I won't be able to pick things up for a while, so we will all have to be patient until I get better.
I noticed Darian had started to rub his eyes. He was trying to hold back tears. I signaled Brian to go sit by him. Brian went and took him in his arms. We tried to explain to him that mom is fine and she'll be even better once she gets this cancer out of her, but he was inconsolable. He kept rubbing his face silently while tears were pouring out of his beautiful blue eyes.
I got up, sat right next to him and hugged him. I tried to calm to him and validate his feelings while I kept saying that I will be all right. "It's OK to be sad, it's OK to feel angry, it's OK to be scared. I feel the same way too. Can you tell me how you feel?" I asked.
"I can't, I can't!" were the only words that could come out of his mouth. By that time Brian and the rest of the kids left the room in order to give us some privacy. I asked them to get us some ice cream, and I was left alone with Darian, still holding him tight in my arms.
"Can you talk about it?" I asked. "No," he nodded. "Could you talk about it to someone else?" I insisted, thinking my therapist might be able to help him out. "If I can't tell you mom, than I doubt I could tell anyone else! I don't know what I'm feeling. I just don't know." I gave him another tight hug and told him to know that I love him, that I promise him everything will be fine, and not to forget that it's OK to have those feelings, even if he can't describe them yet."
Then the ice cream came and we all felt a lot better! :-)
I think this is the hardest part of this whole thing. When the kids get terrified and worried, and there's really no way to protect them from what's coming. I too have feelings that I can't describe from time to time. Despair, fear, anger. It's hard to put into words the frustration that cancer leaves you with. It isolates you. But when you see this whole mess touching your children's heart, then it's unbearable! I wish there was something I could do to take their fear and pain away.
But wait! The situation gets "hairier"! This morning I woke up and tons of my hair had started falling off. I decided to take a shower and use the new shampoo I bought from the wig place. Supposedly it helps get rid of the toxins from chemo and it helps sooth the scalp.
I was excited to try it. I let the water drip on my head and I felt the weight of my wet hair on my shoulders. When I lifted my arms to start massaging my scalp, alas, tons of my hair was left in my hands. Wherever I touched hair just fell out in bunches, but that's not all! In the mean time the falling hair had started getting tangled up with my remaining (still attached) hair and pretty soon I had a really whopper of a...tangled situation in my hands and head.
I stepped out of the shower almost trembling. I called Brian and showed him the tangled mess on my head. "What am I going to do? Do I need to shave my head?" I remember how the lady at the wig shop asked me if I wanted to, and I felt it was too soon and said "No." Now I had to face the fact that the time has probably come.
I tried anything I could get my hands on to make it better. Tons of conditioner, Infusium, hair oil, you name it I tried it. Nothing worked. Every now and then I would stop and try to comb it. I can't describe how much hair I lost by doing this! I would touch my hair and long stretchy tufts would just slide out, sometimes without even pulling. After I filled an entire sink full of hair I decided I had to admit my defeat and accept the realization that the only way was to cut it.
I told Brian I wanted to be alone, but he insisted he wanted to stay. Finally we agreed that he should do it, so we found some good scissors and he started cutting the bottom first, and then moved on to the tangled part, trying to save as much as he could. Good boy!
So now I have a shorter haircut that doesn't look half bad, thanks to Brian. He did a good job afterall! I also have a bunch of dead toxic hair sitting in my sink that I need to clean up, but not before I take some pictures! I've never seen so much hair in my life! I have to keep a record of this for posterity!
It's a good thing I already bought some scarves! I wore my favorite one with a straw hat I bought from the wig shop. Now I have to swallow the fact that I actually have to get out of the house like this. The kids have their Opening Day for their baseball season and I have to be there. I can already imagine all the people looking at me knowingly, with their "she has cancer" look.'
But it's time for me to go. So I'll take a deep breath, keep my fingers crossed and pray that I survive my first public appearance with my new "cancer look". I was able to fake it so far, but I'm afraid these days are over.
So, keep your (half bald) head held up high, and off you go for new adventures, cancer girl!
Showing posts with label breast cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breast cancer. Show all posts
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Wig
Have you seen “The Bucket List”? I watched it a few months ago, before I was even diagnosed, and I really enjoyed it (little did I know!) Other than the fact that Nicholson plays his “crazy and obnoxious” Nicholson version and Morgan Freeman plays his “Driving Miss Daisy” character yet again, the movie was not half bad.
Well, for those who don’t know the plot, it’s about 2 terminally ill men, one is filthy rich (Nicholson), the other not so much (Freeman). The 2 meet each other in the cancer ward of a hospital that Nicholson basically owns. Freeman starts making a list of things that he’d like to do before he dies. When rich Nicholson gets a hold of it he makes everything happen, but not before he adds a few crazy ones of his own. Both men learn a lot from each other but unfortunately this is not one of those stories where you can say at the end that they lived happily ever after, because of course they both die of cancer eventually.
I too found my self thinking along those lines not too long ago, and the first thing on my list was to teach each of my kids a song on the guitar.
Today I’m happy to announce that David has learned how to play his very first song on my guitar, “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” by Iron and Wine, compliments to his amazingly talented mom who taught him all the chords and how to strum! He still needs to practice a little more but he did great for a first time! I’m so proud of him. Way to go David! :-)
On a different note, I went to the clinic to check my INR today and it’s within the normal range again, meaning I need to continue taking Coumadin and alternate the dose from 5mg to 2,5mg every other day as I have been doing. They didn’t take blood for any further tests, so I guess I’ll have to wait until next Friday to find out what my white blood count is. Last week it was 0.7! Holy cow! The normal range is 4.6-10.2 so I can’t help wondering if that is even humanly possible in a live state! Apparently yes for me.
The doctors mentioned last time that they’ll give me a shot of Neuplasta a day after chemo, in order to boost my WBC and my immune system. I hear it hurts the bones like heck when it enters the bone marrow, but it is very effective. I try to eat healthy and I started doing my stretching exercises again. Let’s not forget that I have a bad back on top of everything else, so I need to take it easy. I’m hoping that my counts will be up next week. Brian keeps stuffing things in my mouth and gets frustrated when I just can’t eat. Maybe one good thing would be that I’ll loose some weight.
Anyway after all the poking and pricking at the clinic, we went to a place called “Allusions” which claims to be “the natural solution to hair loss”. I was a little apprehended when I first walked in. The place looked nice, but I didn’t know what to expect. I felt a knot in my throat. Thankfully the lady that we talked to was very friendly and sweet. She noticed that I felt uncomfortable even just being there.
My guess is I wasn’t the first one to walk through that door carrying this load on their shoulders. She asked me if I was loosing my hair due to medical reasons. I could barely find the words to talk I was so dazed, but Brian saved me as he often does, by telling her I was diagnosed with breast cancer not too long ago and it’s been 2 weeks since my first treatment. I finally found my voice and told her that yesterday was the first day that I noticed a considerable amount of hair coming off. She looked at me and said smiling “Don’t worry, we’ll help you through this.” Immediately something in my gut told me that she really meant it and I relaxed a bit. OK, they don't bite.
She took us in a private back room to look at the wigs they had displayed on a shelf. I sat in a swiveling chair in front of a mirror feeling rather depressed at first. I had to wear a silly cap, kinda like a pantyhose that goes only on the top of the head, in order to keep the real hair down and out of the way.
I don’t know if I was ready yet to admit that I had lost that fight. Not that there was anything I could do about it of course, but it’s really hard to see your hair go! I would have never imagined! The thought of it only makes me feel sicker than I already am, if that’s even possible!
The lady started taking measurements of my head and making conversation. I just wanted to cry, but always true to myself, I held it together. Apparently the bone on the back of my head is not protruding enough, which to me didn’t seem to be such a big predicament, but I found out that it might be a little tricky to keep the wig from slipping towards the front because of it. She said that they can fix it but they’ll have to use double of something or another to keep it in place. By that point I didn’t really mind, “It’s not going to be my hair anyway, so who cares?” I thought grudgingly.
The first 2 wigs that I tried were about the same color as my own hair, only a lot longer. The hair itself was very good quality, they looked and felt very natural, but when I tried it on I felt ridiculous. I looked like one of the guys on SNL when they dress up like girls. It looked so not like me. Scary! Then I asked her if I could try a shorter hairstyle. She showed me 2 more that looked really nice and I loved the color! One was shoulder length and the other one was even shorter, barely below the ears.
I tried both on and we all agreed that those 2 were the ones that looked best on me, especially the short haired one. Who would have thought! I actually looked good in short hair! At that point I had started getting excited and having fun with the whole thing. It was like playing dress up again, and what girl doesn’t like that!
I was still busy talking to the lady, asking her opinion and trying on hats and scarves when I noticed for the first time that Brian had gotten pretty quiet. I turned my chair to look at him and I realized he had tears in his eyes. “Are you OK, honey?” I asked him. The lady quickly excused herself and got out of the room.
“Yes!” he said, “It’s just that I’ve seen how sad and worried you’ve been the past few days about losing your hair. I just saw your face relax for the first time in days when you tried that first wig! When you tried on the second one it was even better! Your face looked so bright and happy! I finally saw the pain melt away from you and for the first time you had a look that said “OK, I can do this”. I’m so happy for you!”
That’s my Brian! He’s always so sensitive and thoughtful. He even wanted me to buy both wigs! Isn’t he sweet? We’re talking close to $1200 for both! Good thing I have a prescription from the doctor for a "cranial prosthesis" and our health insurance will hopefully cover part of it. I told him I only needed one. If I feel like playing dress up again I can buy one of the cheaper ones. You can find some of the low quality ones for $30. If any of you girls (or boys) want a cool wig for Halloween in 2010 I know where you can find a really good one. Sorry it's already reserved for Halloween 2009. ;-)
The girl came back to the room a few minutes later and asked me if anyone has given me a “pink ribbon bag” yet. I had no idea what that was, so she left the room again and came back with this pretty tote that was FULL with goodies in her hands. It was so full it was almost impossible to carry around! I had to hand it to Brian because it was so heavy!
When I came home and opened it I found a hat, a water bottle, 3 books about cancer and how to self-heal (maybe they know something we don’t), a journal/sketch book with a pen, a chapstick and a hand lotion, some mints, a pink satin pillowcase (cotton pillowcases irritate the scalp when you don’t have hair), a pink aromatherapy heating and cooling pad, coloring pencils and post it notes, even a walkman with a tape that helps you meditate during chemo! I’m thinking I’ll probably be spending my next treatment visualizing that I’m zapping that tumor with a big laser gun or something. Not bad.
I’m home with Natalie now. Brian, William and the boys went downtown to see the baseball game, so it’s just us girls getting ready for our slumber party. I’m thinking no hair dressing game this time, which is unfortunately Natalie’s favorite part of the slumber parties we have. She takes out her hair dryer and brushes my hair, puts ribbons and pins on them… It wouldn’t be so amusing if she was left with bunches of my hair in her hands, poor thing!
There’s still light outside so we will have to wait a couple more hours. I decided to turn on my computer and check my calendar. Lo and behold, I have more appointments coming up. One with a dietician next week, then my second round of chemo on Friday and my Look Good… Feel Better seminar that Brian signed me up for last week. Apparently they give you a big box with all kinds of goodies there too!
http://www.lookgoodfeelbetter.org/index.htm
This is a list of companies donating their products for the make-up kit they give you. A big thank you to all of them!
Avon Products, Inc.*
BeautiControl
Beiersdorf North America, Inc.
Bonne Bell, Inc.
Chanel Inc.
Clarins Groupe USA,
Cosmolab Inc.
Coty U.S., Inc.
Del Laboratories, Inc.
Elizabeth Arden
The Estee Lauder Companies Inc.
Aveda Corporation
Bobbi Brown Professional Cosmetics
Clinique Laboratories, Inc.
Estee Lauder Inc.
M.A.C. Cosmetics
Origins Natural Resources, Inc.
Prescriptives Inc.
Stila Cosmetics
Johnson & Johnson Consumer Products Worldwide.
Neutrogena Corporation
KAO Brands Company
Lindi Skin
L’Oreal USA, Inc.
Dermablend, Inc.
Lancome
L’Oreal
Maybelline, Inc.
Mary Kay, Inc.
Merle Norman Cosmetics
OPI Products, Inc.
Playtex Products, Inc.
Pochet of America
Procter & Gamble Cosmetics
Redex Industries, Inc
Revlon, Inc.
Almay
Schering-Plough Healthcare Products
Unilever Home & Personal Care NA
Chesebrough-Pond’s USA
YSL Beauté, Inc.
Alberto-Culver Company
Shiseido Cosmetics (America) Ltd.
Don't be jealous girls, I'd much rather buy the stuff at the mall, than have them given to me because I have breast cancer. I'm sure we all agree on this.
But truth be told, there are some perks to having cancer. Who knew! :-)
Well, for those who don’t know the plot, it’s about 2 terminally ill men, one is filthy rich (Nicholson), the other not so much (Freeman). The 2 meet each other in the cancer ward of a hospital that Nicholson basically owns. Freeman starts making a list of things that he’d like to do before he dies. When rich Nicholson gets a hold of it he makes everything happen, but not before he adds a few crazy ones of his own. Both men learn a lot from each other but unfortunately this is not one of those stories where you can say at the end that they lived happily ever after, because of course they both die of cancer eventually.
I too found my self thinking along those lines not too long ago, and the first thing on my list was to teach each of my kids a song on the guitar.
Today I’m happy to announce that David has learned how to play his very first song on my guitar, “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” by Iron and Wine, compliments to his amazingly talented mom who taught him all the chords and how to strum! He still needs to practice a little more but he did great for a first time! I’m so proud of him. Way to go David! :-)
On a different note, I went to the clinic to check my INR today and it’s within the normal range again, meaning I need to continue taking Coumadin and alternate the dose from 5mg to 2,5mg every other day as I have been doing. They didn’t take blood for any further tests, so I guess I’ll have to wait until next Friday to find out what my white blood count is. Last week it was 0.7! Holy cow! The normal range is 4.6-10.2 so I can’t help wondering if that is even humanly possible in a live state! Apparently yes for me.
The doctors mentioned last time that they’ll give me a shot of Neuplasta a day after chemo, in order to boost my WBC and my immune system. I hear it hurts the bones like heck when it enters the bone marrow, but it is very effective. I try to eat healthy and I started doing my stretching exercises again. Let’s not forget that I have a bad back on top of everything else, so I need to take it easy. I’m hoping that my counts will be up next week. Brian keeps stuffing things in my mouth and gets frustrated when I just can’t eat. Maybe one good thing would be that I’ll loose some weight.
Anyway after all the poking and pricking at the clinic, we went to a place called “Allusions” which claims to be “the natural solution to hair loss”. I was a little apprehended when I first walked in. The place looked nice, but I didn’t know what to expect. I felt a knot in my throat. Thankfully the lady that we talked to was very friendly and sweet. She noticed that I felt uncomfortable even just being there.
My guess is I wasn’t the first one to walk through that door carrying this load on their shoulders. She asked me if I was loosing my hair due to medical reasons. I could barely find the words to talk I was so dazed, but Brian saved me as he often does, by telling her I was diagnosed with breast cancer not too long ago and it’s been 2 weeks since my first treatment. I finally found my voice and told her that yesterday was the first day that I noticed a considerable amount of hair coming off. She looked at me and said smiling “Don’t worry, we’ll help you through this.” Immediately something in my gut told me that she really meant it and I relaxed a bit. OK, they don't bite.
She took us in a private back room to look at the wigs they had displayed on a shelf. I sat in a swiveling chair in front of a mirror feeling rather depressed at first. I had to wear a silly cap, kinda like a pantyhose that goes only on the top of the head, in order to keep the real hair down and out of the way.
I don’t know if I was ready yet to admit that I had lost that fight. Not that there was anything I could do about it of course, but it’s really hard to see your hair go! I would have never imagined! The thought of it only makes me feel sicker than I already am, if that’s even possible!
The lady started taking measurements of my head and making conversation. I just wanted to cry, but always true to myself, I held it together. Apparently the bone on the back of my head is not protruding enough, which to me didn’t seem to be such a big predicament, but I found out that it might be a little tricky to keep the wig from slipping towards the front because of it. She said that they can fix it but they’ll have to use double of something or another to keep it in place. By that point I didn’t really mind, “It’s not going to be my hair anyway, so who cares?” I thought grudgingly.
The first 2 wigs that I tried were about the same color as my own hair, only a lot longer. The hair itself was very good quality, they looked and felt very natural, but when I tried it on I felt ridiculous. I looked like one of the guys on SNL when they dress up like girls. It looked so not like me. Scary! Then I asked her if I could try a shorter hairstyle. She showed me 2 more that looked really nice and I loved the color! One was shoulder length and the other one was even shorter, barely below the ears.
I tried both on and we all agreed that those 2 were the ones that looked best on me, especially the short haired one. Who would have thought! I actually looked good in short hair! At that point I had started getting excited and having fun with the whole thing. It was like playing dress up again, and what girl doesn’t like that!
I was still busy talking to the lady, asking her opinion and trying on hats and scarves when I noticed for the first time that Brian had gotten pretty quiet. I turned my chair to look at him and I realized he had tears in his eyes. “Are you OK, honey?” I asked him. The lady quickly excused herself and got out of the room.
“Yes!” he said, “It’s just that I’ve seen how sad and worried you’ve been the past few days about losing your hair. I just saw your face relax for the first time in days when you tried that first wig! When you tried on the second one it was even better! Your face looked so bright and happy! I finally saw the pain melt away from you and for the first time you had a look that said “OK, I can do this”. I’m so happy for you!”
That’s my Brian! He’s always so sensitive and thoughtful. He even wanted me to buy both wigs! Isn’t he sweet? We’re talking close to $1200 for both! Good thing I have a prescription from the doctor for a "cranial prosthesis" and our health insurance will hopefully cover part of it. I told him I only needed one. If I feel like playing dress up again I can buy one of the cheaper ones. You can find some of the low quality ones for $30. If any of you girls (or boys) want a cool wig for Halloween in 2010 I know where you can find a really good one. Sorry it's already reserved for Halloween 2009. ;-)
The girl came back to the room a few minutes later and asked me if anyone has given me a “pink ribbon bag” yet. I had no idea what that was, so she left the room again and came back with this pretty tote that was FULL with goodies in her hands. It was so full it was almost impossible to carry around! I had to hand it to Brian because it was so heavy!
When I came home and opened it I found a hat, a water bottle, 3 books about cancer and how to self-heal (maybe they know something we don’t), a journal/sketch book with a pen, a chapstick and a hand lotion, some mints, a pink satin pillowcase (cotton pillowcases irritate the scalp when you don’t have hair), a pink aromatherapy heating and cooling pad, coloring pencils and post it notes, even a walkman with a tape that helps you meditate during chemo! I’m thinking I’ll probably be spending my next treatment visualizing that I’m zapping that tumor with a big laser gun or something. Not bad.
I’m home with Natalie now. Brian, William and the boys went downtown to see the baseball game, so it’s just us girls getting ready for our slumber party. I’m thinking no hair dressing game this time, which is unfortunately Natalie’s favorite part of the slumber parties we have. She takes out her hair dryer and brushes my hair, puts ribbons and pins on them… It wouldn’t be so amusing if she was left with bunches of my hair in her hands, poor thing!
There’s still light outside so we will have to wait a couple more hours. I decided to turn on my computer and check my calendar. Lo and behold, I have more appointments coming up. One with a dietician next week, then my second round of chemo on Friday and my Look Good… Feel Better seminar that Brian signed me up for last week. Apparently they give you a big box with all kinds of goodies there too!
http://www.lookgoodfeelbetter.org/index.htm
This is a list of companies donating their products for the make-up kit they give you. A big thank you to all of them!
Avon Products, Inc.*
BeautiControl
Beiersdorf North America, Inc.
Bonne Bell, Inc.
Chanel Inc.
Clarins Groupe USA,
Cosmolab Inc.
Coty U.S., Inc.
Del Laboratories, Inc.
Elizabeth Arden
The Estee Lauder Companies Inc.
Aveda Corporation
Bobbi Brown Professional Cosmetics
Clinique Laboratories, Inc.
Estee Lauder Inc.
M.A.C. Cosmetics
Origins Natural Resources, Inc.
Prescriptives Inc.
Stila Cosmetics
Johnson & Johnson Consumer Products Worldwide.
Neutrogena Corporation
KAO Brands Company
Lindi Skin
L’Oreal USA, Inc.
Dermablend, Inc.
Lancome
L’Oreal
Maybelline, Inc.
Mary Kay, Inc.
Merle Norman Cosmetics
OPI Products, Inc.
Playtex Products, Inc.
Pochet of America
Procter & Gamble Cosmetics
Redex Industries, Inc
Revlon, Inc.
Almay
Schering-Plough Healthcare Products
Unilever Home & Personal Care NA
Chesebrough-Pond’s USA
YSL Beauté, Inc.
Alberto-Culver Company
Shiseido Cosmetics (America) Ltd.
Don't be jealous girls, I'd much rather buy the stuff at the mall, than have them given to me because I have breast cancer. I'm sure we all agree on this.
But truth be told, there are some perks to having cancer. Who knew! :-)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Definitely not like Elvis!
It’s like a daily joke between me and the kids to let them come and tug on my hair to see if my hair is still attached to my scalp! Well, let’s just say today was different. The boys came to my room and while we were talking I ran my fingers through my hair and when I pulled it out a big tuft came out in my hand.
Within seconds our daily joke stopped being funny anymore. I smiled and tried to crack an awkward joke “It has begun, guys!” but I think I couldn’t hide the surprise on my face. David said astonished “I really thought it wouldn’t happen.” Darian looked at both of us nervously not knowing what to do or say. “Yeah, me too” I said trying to sound indifferent.
We all climbed back on my bed, a little more somber, and looked at the catalog for wigs, hats and scarves once again. I could tell that this time they both felt the urgency of choosing a good one for me. They marked their favorite ones and commented on the ones that they thought would make me look “old”. We agreed that we would all initial the ones we liked and buy the ones that got the most approval.
A few minutes later they left the room to move on to their next game and I was left on the bed feeling exhausted. The familiar shortness of breath that seems to have been residing in my lungs lately felt worse than ever. Deep breaths…David came back not too long after, he laid down right next me and said “It’s going to be OK mom.” While touching my hair gently.
I can sense the change around me. My oldest son has started talking softer to me; he even hugs and kisses me now. My youngest has been sneaking in my room with his book offering to read to me. He usually wants me to read to him but not too long ago I told him that it calms me to listen to him read. Now that I think about it, my little girl had nightmares about me going away this morning. I wonder why.
I can’t help thinking about things that I would like to be remembered for.
I’d like to leave behind a mark for my children to look back to, something that would inspire them to think of me. At the same time I dread the thought of leaving things unfinished.
I think about that box in the basement, full of letters and journals I’ve kept over the years. Do I want these left behind? I had Brian promise me that he would keep the letters, and the endless lists I made of the kids’ first words and funny things they said from time to time, but definitely burn the journals. It’s only more painful memories and who needs that?
I talk about last wishes. I don’t have any houses or land to leave behind, so it comes down to personal effects. Brian keeps silent notes in his head, I know it must not be easy for him to hear this, but he’s patient, he understands that those are things I need to say.
We talk about what he would do after. Would he get married again? I tell him he needs a mother for those kids, he answers he loves me. I promise to look after him and the kids, and he says he'll come and find me, so we can be together again.
OK, I know this goes too far. I really don’t feel that depressed. I’m actually quite optimistic about the whole thing. I’ll do what needs to be done and I’ll fight as much as I can, but just like playing any other game, you need to cover all your bases.
I really doubt that I’ll die of breast cancer or that it would happen anytime soon. I’ll probably die of a broken hip in my 90’s or something.
There’s only one thing I’m sure of. I would not want to die like Elvis! I’d take cancer any day!
;-)
Within seconds our daily joke stopped being funny anymore. I smiled and tried to crack an awkward joke “It has begun, guys!” but I think I couldn’t hide the surprise on my face. David said astonished “I really thought it wouldn’t happen.” Darian looked at both of us nervously not knowing what to do or say. “Yeah, me too” I said trying to sound indifferent.
We all climbed back on my bed, a little more somber, and looked at the catalog for wigs, hats and scarves once again. I could tell that this time they both felt the urgency of choosing a good one for me. They marked their favorite ones and commented on the ones that they thought would make me look “old”. We agreed that we would all initial the ones we liked and buy the ones that got the most approval.
A few minutes later they left the room to move on to their next game and I was left on the bed feeling exhausted. The familiar shortness of breath that seems to have been residing in my lungs lately felt worse than ever. Deep breaths…David came back not too long after, he laid down right next me and said “It’s going to be OK mom.” While touching my hair gently.
I can sense the change around me. My oldest son has started talking softer to me; he even hugs and kisses me now. My youngest has been sneaking in my room with his book offering to read to me. He usually wants me to read to him but not too long ago I told him that it calms me to listen to him read. Now that I think about it, my little girl had nightmares about me going away this morning. I wonder why.
I can’t help thinking about things that I would like to be remembered for.
I’d like to leave behind a mark for my children to look back to, something that would inspire them to think of me. At the same time I dread the thought of leaving things unfinished.
I think about that box in the basement, full of letters and journals I’ve kept over the years. Do I want these left behind? I had Brian promise me that he would keep the letters, and the endless lists I made of the kids’ first words and funny things they said from time to time, but definitely burn the journals. It’s only more painful memories and who needs that?
I talk about last wishes. I don’t have any houses or land to leave behind, so it comes down to personal effects. Brian keeps silent notes in his head, I know it must not be easy for him to hear this, but he’s patient, he understands that those are things I need to say.
We talk about what he would do after. Would he get married again? I tell him he needs a mother for those kids, he answers he loves me. I promise to look after him and the kids, and he says he'll come and find me, so we can be together again.
OK, I know this goes too far. I really don’t feel that depressed. I’m actually quite optimistic about the whole thing. I’ll do what needs to be done and I’ll fight as much as I can, but just like playing any other game, you need to cover all your bases.
I really doubt that I’ll die of breast cancer or that it would happen anytime soon. I’ll probably die of a broken hip in my 90’s or something.
There’s only one thing I’m sure of. I would not want to die like Elvis! I’d take cancer any day!
;-)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
I've had a couple of rough days yesterday and the day before. I went to see the doctor on Friday, and my blood count was a mess. My red cells are low, my white cells are super low, my INR went from 5.8 to 1.8, which explains why I've been feeling tired, dizzy and weak last week. Well, not that having cancer alone wouldn't have caused this! ;-)
Anyway, I'll have to go back and recheck everything next Friday, and then go back the Friday after that, to get another cocktail of poison to weed out the stupid cancer cells. Grrrrr!
The doctor said I have to be extra careful about infections, colds etc. so I have to avoid places with crowds, avoid being around pets and, the hardest one for me, not hug and kiss the kids, in case they pass on their germs to me. I'll probably have to wear a mask on the plane, if I end up going to Hawaii. We still want to make it happen, but we have to keep an open mind and accept the fact that it might not be possible. I'm hoping that I won't be too sick after my second treatment in 2 weeks. The first one wasn't that bad.
I bought some hats to have in case the inevitable happens. I tried them on and the kids and I were making jokes about looking funny. I wanted them to see me wearing them, so they can get used to the idea. I sometimes wonder if it's possible to skip that part, and keep my hair. Not very likely, I know. My cousin that had breast cancer didn't loose hers during chemo. I wish it would run in families, you know? My mom says it's because she was so optimistic about it, LOL!! I wish!
I hate it when the nurses talk to me and touch my hair and say " Such a same, you have such nice, thick, wavy hair!" It makes want to scream " I KNOWWW!!"
Anyway, enough cancer talk. William came and took the kids to the zoo today. It's very nice of him. Brian and I drove them there and Brian we'll have to go pick them up pretty soon so Darian can make it to his baseball practice. I promised him that I would take a nap, but I don't see that happening now. I like this time alone, I don't want to waste it on sleep.
I started making some "awareness" bracelets. Finally I can use all my pink beads! I bought some ribbon charms too, but they haven't arrived in the mail yet. I've made 2 so far and they look pretty cool. I'll take a picture as soon as can find my camera. I gave it to the boys to make their movies, I have no clue where they put it.
Well, that's all for now. I'm gonna try and get some rest, watching TV or something.
Anyway, I'll have to go back and recheck everything next Friday, and then go back the Friday after that, to get another cocktail of poison to weed out the stupid cancer cells. Grrrrr!
The doctor said I have to be extra careful about infections, colds etc. so I have to avoid places with crowds, avoid being around pets and, the hardest one for me, not hug and kiss the kids, in case they pass on their germs to me. I'll probably have to wear a mask on the plane, if I end up going to Hawaii. We still want to make it happen, but we have to keep an open mind and accept the fact that it might not be possible. I'm hoping that I won't be too sick after my second treatment in 2 weeks. The first one wasn't that bad.
I bought some hats to have in case the inevitable happens. I tried them on and the kids and I were making jokes about looking funny. I wanted them to see me wearing them, so they can get used to the idea. I sometimes wonder if it's possible to skip that part, and keep my hair. Not very likely, I know. My cousin that had breast cancer didn't loose hers during chemo. I wish it would run in families, you know? My mom says it's because she was so optimistic about it, LOL!! I wish!
I hate it when the nurses talk to me and touch my hair and say " Such a same, you have such nice, thick, wavy hair!" It makes want to scream " I KNOWWW!!"
Anyway, enough cancer talk. William came and took the kids to the zoo today. It's very nice of him. Brian and I drove them there and Brian we'll have to go pick them up pretty soon so Darian can make it to his baseball practice. I promised him that I would take a nap, but I don't see that happening now. I like this time alone, I don't want to waste it on sleep.
I started making some "awareness" bracelets. Finally I can use all my pink beads! I bought some ribbon charms too, but they haven't arrived in the mail yet. I've made 2 so far and they look pretty cool. I'll take a picture as soon as can find my camera. I gave it to the boys to make their movies, I have no clue where they put it.
Well, that's all for now. I'm gonna try and get some rest, watching TV or something.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Cocktails, beads and wires
The first round of chemo went fine. The gave me a "cocktail" of 2 drugs and I was pumped up with so much anti- nausea medicine and steroids that I felt fine all day yesterday and most of the day today. I had a little bit of a fever, chills and hot flashes, but nothing serious.
Starting earlier this afternoon I started feeling a little more sick to my stomach and more fatigued, but I still feel OK. The doctor told me it's probably going to get worse within the next 2 days, but I think I'll be fine. It hasn't been that bad so far, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. They also told me I should expect my hair to start going "bye-bye" within the next 10-25 days. I've already started looking for hats, scarves and wigs. The kids help me choose, so it's kinda fun actually! We're still keeping a positive attitude around here! :-)
I started working on some jewelery again. It's been a while and I had forgotten how much I like it. I'm glad I had the energy to do it. I'm making something new for Mikie and I'm thinking maybe something for all the girls in the family. I still haven't come up with the right idea, but it's somewhere in there. I'll figure it out.
Well, I better go now. Yesterday I couldn't sleep. I finally was able to around 5:00 am, so I promised Brian I would try to go to bed early tonight. It's already after midnight of course, so...I don't know if I'll be able to. I think I should start taking that sedative the doctors gave me. :-(
Starting earlier this afternoon I started feeling a little more sick to my stomach and more fatigued, but I still feel OK. The doctor told me it's probably going to get worse within the next 2 days, but I think I'll be fine. It hasn't been that bad so far, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. They also told me I should expect my hair to start going "bye-bye" within the next 10-25 days. I've already started looking for hats, scarves and wigs. The kids help me choose, so it's kinda fun actually! We're still keeping a positive attitude around here! :-)
I started working on some jewelery again. It's been a while and I had forgotten how much I like it. I'm glad I had the energy to do it. I'm making something new for Mikie and I'm thinking maybe something for all the girls in the family. I still haven't come up with the right idea, but it's somewhere in there. I'll figure it out.
Well, I better go now. Yesterday I couldn't sleep. I finally was able to around 5:00 am, so I promised Brian I would try to go to bed early tonight. It's already after midnight of course, so...I don't know if I'll be able to. I think I should start taking that sedative the doctors gave me. :-(
Not even gardening...
I always like to plant things in the Spring! I just planted some seeds with Natalie yesterday. She was thrilled! I also bought a rosebush, but I haven't planted it yet.
Unfortunately my doctor told me today that one of the things I should avoid while I'm doing chemo is...gardening! He said there's a higher risk of infection since my immune system is going to have a hard time keeping up during the treatments. Rats! I sure am glad I did it the day before he told me. I'm hoping Brian and the boys can plant the rosebush. :-)
I had my first round yesterday. It was OK. I don't feel any nausea or dizziness yet, I do have a terrible heartburn though, and I feel pretty tired. My doctor warned me that the next 2 days will be the worst. He gave me a prescription to take care of these symptoms, so I should be fine.
We'll see...
Unfortunately my doctor told me today that one of the things I should avoid while I'm doing chemo is...gardening! He said there's a higher risk of infection since my immune system is going to have a hard time keeping up during the treatments. Rats! I sure am glad I did it the day before he told me. I'm hoping Brian and the boys can plant the rosebush. :-)
I had my first round yesterday. It was OK. I don't feel any nausea or dizziness yet, I do have a terrible heartburn though, and I feel pretty tired. My doctor warned me that the next 2 days will be the worst. He gave me a prescription to take care of these symptoms, so I should be fine.
We'll see...
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Round One - Us and Them
I had my first treatment today. It was raining and it was pretty depressing.
I felt uneasy and worried.
When I arrived at the clinic of course I had to fill out all the paperwork first. I felt so uncomfortable in there. I really didn't get good vibes from the place.
After all the paper work was done, a nurse came and took me to a room to take my vitals and ask me some questions. Then we went back to the waiting room to get Brian and walked to a different room where my oncologist was going to come and talk to me.
Before the nurse left she put a ...paper (what the heck, PAPER??) robe/shirt on the chair. I assumed of course that I was supposed to wear it. It felt so uncomfortable, it was short and didn't have sleeves, like a short poncho made of paper. I felt so...degraded. Why do they treat sick people this way? Like having cancer and being poked and pricked and probed doesn't already take enough of our dignity away? I was obvious a little sad, and Brian who saw me like this got really upset. He worries about me a lot.
Finally the doctor came in. As soon as he saw me I could tell that he felt apologetic too. "You really didn't need to take your clothes off and wear that!" Really? Then why do you even have those things in here? For those who feel like wearing them?
Anyway, he told me not to worry, everything will be OK blah, blah, and he talked about my cancer and the way he wants to treat it. Brian of course had a ton of questions again. I really don't know how he comes up with all that stuff! Of course it's extremely helpful, because I'm still in such a daze over this whole thing. There are still moments that I just don't feel like talking about it! I want them to do whatever needs to be done, no questions asked. I know it's not the right approach, but that's how I feel, so having Brian with me is really a blessing. He's the one that keeps me sane, and of course...completely informed!
I was a little surprised when the Dr. ,who saw my reaction after having to listen to all the details and statistics, came close, held my hand and told me: "You're like my wife when she had breast cancer. She didn't want to hear or talk about it, she just wanted it out of her." Bingo!
Well after all the talking, he sent a nurse to come and talk to me (some more) about all the side effects that I would probably experience after the treatment. She explained step by step what they were going to do to me, she gave me 2 folders full of information and a cute tote bag to put everything in. She was very nice and friendly. She was also very thorough, so Brian didn't really have a lot to ask this time! ;-) When she was done she took me to the 3rd floor to start the treatment.
When they called me and lead me to the room, my heart just dropped.
Here I was in long shaped room packed with la-z-boy chairs, about 25 chairs total, each with an IV stand on the side, and tons of really old and middle age suffering people (many of them African Americans, since this is their downtown office) sitting miserably in them, with IVs stuck in their arms or chests. Granted they had la-z-boyz, although they were the really cheap kind, but nobody seemed to be enjoying this "luxurious comfort".
My first thought was that it looked like a very old hair salon that a lot of sick people liked to frequent in order to get their haircuts. Then I noticed 2 bald ladies, one wearing a wig and another one with a scarf, so that perception seemed pretty lame on my part.
I felt restless. Is this how I'm going to be in a few weeks? I couldn't help feeling that I really did not belong in that group. I could tell that many of the old folks were staring at me, thinking that I was too young to be there. Some would just nod their heads to let me know they understood this would be hard on me, just like it was hard on them. I could even hear whispers, but now I think that it could have been all in my head. I heard a rush of blood going to my head blurring my vision and I felt disoriented for minute or two.
The nurse that took me in probably noticed the horror in my face too.
She said: "Eeee, let's take you over to that far corner, it's more quiet and your husband can have a seat right next to you too." Thank goodness!
I ended up sitting at the very end of the room and although it was a lot better, I still could not believe what my eyes were seeing! "How could this be?"Brian said. I could tell that he felt so bad! First the paper poncho, now this. He kept apologizing to me and saying how sorry he was. He kept saying "I'm supposed to take care of you, and this is unacceptable! We'll find a different place."
It didn't take too long for both of us to realize what was wrong in this picture. Since this was their downtown office, it must "serve" patients that can only afford the less favorable health insurances, like Medicare etc.
I felt so sorry for those people, and guilty at the same time. I didn't like being treated this way, but at least I have the option to get up and say: "Are you kidding me? You call this "care"? (ironically that's also the name of the clinic!) I'll go somewhere else, and my insurance will still cover everything."
I was ashamed to realize that all those old people and working class adults, who looked so frail and were scared as much as I was, if not more, really had no other choice but to take this "care" and deal with it. No other option.
I turned to Brian and said': "You know, I only have 5 more treatments. It's not that bad. I just want to do it and be done. I really don't care what this place looks like." I think he felt a little better. I know I did.
Later though, when I went to use the restroom, we saw that down another hallway there were... "private rooms". Women with gold fingers on their fat fingers, right by their husbands in their expensive suits, peacefully reading their newspaper or talking on their Blackberries, while the IV dripped in their arms.
At first I was relieved. That's more like it! That's what I'm used to! Let's do this next time! And then it hit me again. Us and them...
Like cancer will treat us better than it treats them, because we get to be in a private room while they push poison in our veins. Malakies (take out your Greek dictionaries.)
It was a surreal experience, to say the least. It certainly was an eye opener and it made me feel quite strange.
Anyway I went back and started the IV again. A young nurse kept coming to take my vitals every 15-30 minutes. She said it's because it was my first time and they were worried about a possible allergic reaction to the medication.
Well, it did feel like there was something nasty flowing in my veins (yeah, I wonder why), but now, several hours later, I still don't have any nausea or dizziness yet, just a really bad heartburn.
They did give me 2 different medications through my IV for nausea etc. before the chemo, so I should be OK for today. If it gets worse tomorrow, my oncologist has already prescribed the same kind of medicine in pills. I'll have to take those for the next 48 hours just in case.
I feel rather tired of course and by blood pressure that's usually between 80-100, is up to 120-130 again. I know it's still withing normal range, but it's higher than my normal. My diastolic though is fine. My heart rate also went up again after the treatment. It was 74 yesterday, but it was 102 this evening.
They did checked my INR (how much time it takes for my blood to clot) which, to my dismay, had climbed up to... 5.8!! Yikes!
It should normally be between 2-3, so of course now they're afraid it might cause bleeding! They told me not to take the Coumadin (the blood thinner I've been taking since I got out of the hospital) for the next couple of days, then take only half a pill (2.5 mg) on Monday, then switch back to 5mg, then 2.5mg again and alternate the dose until Friday when they'll recheck it.
I'm supposed to call them if my fever goes over 100.5 even if it's the middle of the night. I just checked and I have 100.4, I feel chills and I'm all sweaty at the same time. I'll pretend I won't check it again until tomorrow, because I'll be asleep. ;-)
I know that if I call they'll tell me to go to the ER, and I also know exactly how it's going to be there. I'll have to wait 3-4 hours for someone to even glance my way! So, thanks but no thanks, I can sleep in my bed, get some rest, and go tomorrow, if I need to (knock, knock). I'm hoping not.
And this brings us to my other problem. How is it possible for me to be dead tired, but still can't sleep! My doctor gave me Ativan (a sedative to calm me down If I'm too anxious to sleep), but I really don't want to take it. I'm sick and tired of all the medication I have to take, but I feel I still need to give it a try. So, I'll hurry up and wrap up, read the new book I downloaded on my Kindle, a very interesting book called "Beyond Belief: The Secret Gospel of Thomas"
Hopefully I won't be too sick to write tomorrow. The warned me that the next 2 days will be the worst! This will be quite the Happy Easter!
Save me Easter Bunny!
I felt uneasy and worried.
When I arrived at the clinic of course I had to fill out all the paperwork first. I felt so uncomfortable in there. I really didn't get good vibes from the place.
After all the paper work was done, a nurse came and took me to a room to take my vitals and ask me some questions. Then we went back to the waiting room to get Brian and walked to a different room where my oncologist was going to come and talk to me.
Before the nurse left she put a ...paper (what the heck, PAPER??) robe/shirt on the chair. I assumed of course that I was supposed to wear it. It felt so uncomfortable, it was short and didn't have sleeves, like a short poncho made of paper. I felt so...degraded. Why do they treat sick people this way? Like having cancer and being poked and pricked and probed doesn't already take enough of our dignity away? I was obvious a little sad, and Brian who saw me like this got really upset. He worries about me a lot.
Finally the doctor came in. As soon as he saw me I could tell that he felt apologetic too. "You really didn't need to take your clothes off and wear that!" Really? Then why do you even have those things in here? For those who feel like wearing them?
Anyway, he told me not to worry, everything will be OK blah, blah, and he talked about my cancer and the way he wants to treat it. Brian of course had a ton of questions again. I really don't know how he comes up with all that stuff! Of course it's extremely helpful, because I'm still in such a daze over this whole thing. There are still moments that I just don't feel like talking about it! I want them to do whatever needs to be done, no questions asked. I know it's not the right approach, but that's how I feel, so having Brian with me is really a blessing. He's the one that keeps me sane, and of course...completely informed!
I was a little surprised when the Dr. ,who saw my reaction after having to listen to all the details and statistics, came close, held my hand and told me: "You're like my wife when she had breast cancer. She didn't want to hear or talk about it, she just wanted it out of her." Bingo!
Well after all the talking, he sent a nurse to come and talk to me (some more) about all the side effects that I would probably experience after the treatment. She explained step by step what they were going to do to me, she gave me 2 folders full of information and a cute tote bag to put everything in. She was very nice and friendly. She was also very thorough, so Brian didn't really have a lot to ask this time! ;-) When she was done she took me to the 3rd floor to start the treatment.
When they called me and lead me to the room, my heart just dropped.
Here I was in long shaped room packed with la-z-boy chairs, about 25 chairs total, each with an IV stand on the side, and tons of really old and middle age suffering people (many of them African Americans, since this is their downtown office) sitting miserably in them, with IVs stuck in their arms or chests. Granted they had la-z-boyz, although they were the really cheap kind, but nobody seemed to be enjoying this "luxurious comfort".
My first thought was that it looked like a very old hair salon that a lot of sick people liked to frequent in order to get their haircuts. Then I noticed 2 bald ladies, one wearing a wig and another one with a scarf, so that perception seemed pretty lame on my part.
I felt restless. Is this how I'm going to be in a few weeks? I couldn't help feeling that I really did not belong in that group. I could tell that many of the old folks were staring at me, thinking that I was too young to be there. Some would just nod their heads to let me know they understood this would be hard on me, just like it was hard on them. I could even hear whispers, but now I think that it could have been all in my head. I heard a rush of blood going to my head blurring my vision and I felt disoriented for minute or two.
The nurse that took me in probably noticed the horror in my face too.
She said: "Eeee, let's take you over to that far corner, it's more quiet and your husband can have a seat right next to you too." Thank goodness!
I ended up sitting at the very end of the room and although it was a lot better, I still could not believe what my eyes were seeing! "How could this be?"Brian said. I could tell that he felt so bad! First the paper poncho, now this. He kept apologizing to me and saying how sorry he was. He kept saying "I'm supposed to take care of you, and this is unacceptable! We'll find a different place."
It didn't take too long for both of us to realize what was wrong in this picture. Since this was their downtown office, it must "serve" patients that can only afford the less favorable health insurances, like Medicare etc.
I felt so sorry for those people, and guilty at the same time. I didn't like being treated this way, but at least I have the option to get up and say: "Are you kidding me? You call this "care"? (ironically that's also the name of the clinic!) I'll go somewhere else, and my insurance will still cover everything."
I was ashamed to realize that all those old people and working class adults, who looked so frail and were scared as much as I was, if not more, really had no other choice but to take this "care" and deal with it. No other option.
I turned to Brian and said': "You know, I only have 5 more treatments. It's not that bad. I just want to do it and be done. I really don't care what this place looks like." I think he felt a little better. I know I did.
Later though, when I went to use the restroom, we saw that down another hallway there were... "private rooms". Women with gold fingers on their fat fingers, right by their husbands in their expensive suits, peacefully reading their newspaper or talking on their Blackberries, while the IV dripped in their arms.
At first I was relieved. That's more like it! That's what I'm used to! Let's do this next time! And then it hit me again. Us and them...
Like cancer will treat us better than it treats them, because we get to be in a private room while they push poison in our veins. Malakies (take out your Greek dictionaries.)
It was a surreal experience, to say the least. It certainly was an eye opener and it made me feel quite strange.
Anyway I went back and started the IV again. A young nurse kept coming to take my vitals every 15-30 minutes. She said it's because it was my first time and they were worried about a possible allergic reaction to the medication.
Well, it did feel like there was something nasty flowing in my veins (yeah, I wonder why), but now, several hours later, I still don't have any nausea or dizziness yet, just a really bad heartburn.
They did give me 2 different medications through my IV for nausea etc. before the chemo, so I should be OK for today. If it gets worse tomorrow, my oncologist has already prescribed the same kind of medicine in pills. I'll have to take those for the next 48 hours just in case.
I feel rather tired of course and by blood pressure that's usually between 80-100, is up to 120-130 again. I know it's still withing normal range, but it's higher than my normal. My diastolic though is fine. My heart rate also went up again after the treatment. It was 74 yesterday, but it was 102 this evening.
They did checked my INR (how much time it takes for my blood to clot) which, to my dismay, had climbed up to... 5.8!! Yikes!
It should normally be between 2-3, so of course now they're afraid it might cause bleeding! They told me not to take the Coumadin (the blood thinner I've been taking since I got out of the hospital) for the next couple of days, then take only half a pill (2.5 mg) on Monday, then switch back to 5mg, then 2.5mg again and alternate the dose until Friday when they'll recheck it.
I'm supposed to call them if my fever goes over 100.5 even if it's the middle of the night. I just checked and I have 100.4, I feel chills and I'm all sweaty at the same time. I'll pretend I won't check it again until tomorrow, because I'll be asleep. ;-)
I know that if I call they'll tell me to go to the ER, and I also know exactly how it's going to be there. I'll have to wait 3-4 hours for someone to even glance my way! So, thanks but no thanks, I can sleep in my bed, get some rest, and go tomorrow, if I need to (knock, knock). I'm hoping not.
And this brings us to my other problem. How is it possible for me to be dead tired, but still can't sleep! My doctor gave me Ativan (a sedative to calm me down If I'm too anxious to sleep), but I really don't want to take it. I'm sick and tired of all the medication I have to take, but I feel I still need to give it a try. So, I'll hurry up and wrap up, read the new book I downloaded on my Kindle, a very interesting book called "Beyond Belief: The Secret Gospel of Thomas"
Hopefully I won't be too sick to write tomorrow. The warned me that the next 2 days will be the worst! This will be quite the Happy Easter!
Save me Easter Bunny!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The nasty medicine that scares hair away and other horror stories...
Brian has been calling around other hospitals, talking to breast specialists and looking for a second opinion all morning. It seems we're on the right path, so I'll start my chemo tomorrow. We'll probably see other specialists before it's time for my surgery.
I'm debating whether I should get a haircut or not. Many people who have cancer say it's easier to deal with the hair loss, if your hair is already short. I don't know. I think I want to keep my hair and bid them farewell as they go, LOL!!
Today I was explaining to Natalie that I will start taking this really nasty medicine and that my hair will not like it at all! So all the hair, all over my body, will want to escape. For as long as I take the medicine, my hair will not want to have anything to do with me and they'll stay away. When I'm done taking my medicine, they'll come back again. She thought it was pretty funny(I think it was the sound effects I made like "heeelp, I'm outta here", that did it.) Then the 2 of us started looking for hats and scarves on the Internet. She was very happy to help me choose the right ones. She's so cute!
I hope the kids won't worry too much when they see me being sick after each treatment. I try to talk about it with them, and answer all their questions. I try to make it sound that it's not such a big deal. From their reaction so far I think I've done a good job and they're going to be OK. They know what to expect, so I'm hoping it's not going to be such a big shock to them. I joke a lot about it, so David and Darian following my lead I guess, offered to give me an afro wig they bought for Halloween! I guess everybody's spirits are still high! :-)
Well, that's all for now. I'll keep you posted as more things come up.
I'm debating whether I should get a haircut or not. Many people who have cancer say it's easier to deal with the hair loss, if your hair is already short. I don't know. I think I want to keep my hair and bid them farewell as they go, LOL!!
Today I was explaining to Natalie that I will start taking this really nasty medicine and that my hair will not like it at all! So all the hair, all over my body, will want to escape. For as long as I take the medicine, my hair will not want to have anything to do with me and they'll stay away. When I'm done taking my medicine, they'll come back again. She thought it was pretty funny(I think it was the sound effects I made like "heeelp, I'm outta here", that did it.) Then the 2 of us started looking for hats and scarves on the Internet. She was very happy to help me choose the right ones. She's so cute!
I hope the kids won't worry too much when they see me being sick after each treatment. I try to talk about it with them, and answer all their questions. I try to make it sound that it's not such a big deal. From their reaction so far I think I've done a good job and they're going to be OK. They know what to expect, so I'm hoping it's not going to be such a big shock to them. I joke a lot about it, so David and Darian following my lead I guess, offered to give me an afro wig they bought for Halloween! I guess everybody's spirits are still high! :-)
Well, that's all for now. I'll keep you posted as more things come up.
Triple Negative - - -
Soooo, I have triple negative breast cancer after all. I feel numb, a little scared, and sad. Maybe a little angry too.
Brian and I started looking on the Internet for hours to find info. The best ones we could come up with were the John Hopkins Hospital in MD, and the Ireland Cancer Center in Cleveland.
Last Monday, right after my CAT scan, I was admitted and stayed in the hospital until Friday. I was treated for a pulmonary embolism, put on an heparin IV, a blood thinner, and now I have to take a pill for keeping my blood thin on a daily basis for the next 6 months. The clots will eventually be absorbed, but we have to make sure that I won't have any new ones pop up.
Of course all this delayed my cancer treatment for about a week. I finally went to see the oncologist this Tuesday. I really liked him. The tests for metastasis came back negative, so this is good news, but the bad news is that my cancer is a rare form of breast cancer, which unfortunately will limit my options for treatment.
The new and more successful treatments target cancers that have estrogen and progesterone receptors. Mine does not have those receptors. It's called a triple negative breast cancer, which is more aggressive and "likes" to metastasize in other areas of the body.
So it's good that I'm clear so far, but my chemo will have to be stronger to catch and hopefully eradicate any dormant cancer cells "visiting' my other organs. :-)
I'm starting my first treatment tomorrow. I expect I'll feel sick, drowsy, dizzy and tired for a couple of days after, and my next treatment will be in 3 weeks. I'll have to do a total of 6 treatments, and then have the surgery sometime in the summer.
We're still looking for a second opinion. We have contacted a great cancer research facility in Cleveland that has just started a trial for a vaccine for triple negative breast cancers. We've also talked to a few other breast specialists and they all agree on my current treatment plan. So, I guess I'll finish my chemotherapy here, and then look at my other options after that.
That's all my news for now. I'll keep you posted on how things develop here.
Brian and I started looking on the Internet for hours to find info. The best ones we could come up with were the John Hopkins Hospital in MD, and the Ireland Cancer Center in Cleveland.
Last Monday, right after my CAT scan, I was admitted and stayed in the hospital until Friday. I was treated for a pulmonary embolism, put on an heparin IV, a blood thinner, and now I have to take a pill for keeping my blood thin on a daily basis for the next 6 months. The clots will eventually be absorbed, but we have to make sure that I won't have any new ones pop up.
Of course all this delayed my cancer treatment for about a week. I finally went to see the oncologist this Tuesday. I really liked him. The tests for metastasis came back negative, so this is good news, but the bad news is that my cancer is a rare form of breast cancer, which unfortunately will limit my options for treatment.
The new and more successful treatments target cancers that have estrogen and progesterone receptors. Mine does not have those receptors. It's called a triple negative breast cancer, which is more aggressive and "likes" to metastasize in other areas of the body.
So it's good that I'm clear so far, but my chemo will have to be stronger to catch and hopefully eradicate any dormant cancer cells "visiting' my other organs. :-)
I'm starting my first treatment tomorrow. I expect I'll feel sick, drowsy, dizzy and tired for a couple of days after, and my next treatment will be in 3 weeks. I'll have to do a total of 6 treatments, and then have the surgery sometime in the summer.
We're still looking for a second opinion. We have contacted a great cancer research facility in Cleveland that has just started a trial for a vaccine for triple negative breast cancers. We've also talked to a few other breast specialists and they all agree on my current treatment plan. So, I guess I'll finish my chemotherapy here, and then look at my other options after that.
That's all my news for now. I'll keep you posted on how things develop here.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Oncologist
I went to see the oncologist today. I really liked him! Many people had told me that the most important thing is to have a good relationship with your oncologist and now I can see why. Both Brian and I were very impressed with him!
I will still seek a second (and maybe even a third) opinion when it's time to make a decision about the surgery. I'm glad I still have some time to think things through. I start chemotherapy on Friday.
The doctor told me that I will have some nausea and dizziness for a couple of days after each treatment, and he gave me some medicine that will help. I'll have treatments once in three weeks and I'll have to do 6 rounds. After that, sometime this summer, I will have the surgery too.
I try to keep my spirits up. I haven't been getting much sleep lately. My doctor gave me a sedative a few days ago, so I think I might take one tonight. I'm starting to get pretty tired during the day.
I will still seek a second (and maybe even a third) opinion when it's time to make a decision about the surgery. I'm glad I still have some time to think things through. I start chemotherapy on Friday.
The doctor told me that I will have some nausea and dizziness for a couple of days after each treatment, and he gave me some medicine that will help. I'll have treatments once in three weeks and I'll have to do 6 rounds. After that, sometime this summer, I will have the surgery too.
I try to keep my spirits up. I haven't been getting much sleep lately. My doctor gave me a sedative a few days ago, so I think I might take one tonight. I'm starting to get pretty tired during the day.
Monday, April 6, 2009
The day before tomorrow
I came back home on Friday afternoon. My INR was finally within normal range (2.4) so I was discharged.
My computers did not have an Internet connection inside the hospital, so I couldn't write much, although I did keep some notes here and there.
Sally left on Saturday noon (she came late at night on Tuesday), so I really didn't have much time to see her, but I'm so grateful that she took care of the kids while I was in the hospital. It really made a difference for the kids to have her here while I was gone.
I have another appointment with my breast surgeon and my oncologist tomorrow morning, so I'm pretty sure I'll find out when I'll be starting the chemo. I try to take it easy and not get too tired. My pulse is not so high anymore (it had reached 150 on Friday and was about 120 Saturday). I don't feel so out of breath all the time, so that's a good sign.
Brian has been working from home since I got sick so he could keep an eye on things, but we're thinking of sending Natalie to a preschool when he goes back again. This way I can get some rest during the day. I'm thinking that it's going to cost us a pretty penny, but we have to make it work because I could really use some rest. It will be good for her too.
I'm not so worried about tomorrow. I just want to finally see my pathology report and face the ugly beast.
My computers did not have an Internet connection inside the hospital, so I couldn't write much, although I did keep some notes here and there.
Sally left on Saturday noon (she came late at night on Tuesday), so I really didn't have much time to see her, but I'm so grateful that she took care of the kids while I was in the hospital. It really made a difference for the kids to have her here while I was gone.
I have another appointment with my breast surgeon and my oncologist tomorrow morning, so I'm pretty sure I'll find out when I'll be starting the chemo. I try to take it easy and not get too tired. My pulse is not so high anymore (it had reached 150 on Friday and was about 120 Saturday). I don't feel so out of breath all the time, so that's a good sign.
Brian has been working from home since I got sick so he could keep an eye on things, but we're thinking of sending Natalie to a preschool when he goes back again. This way I can get some rest during the day. I'm thinking that it's going to cost us a pretty penny, but we have to make it work because I could really use some rest. It will be good for her too.
I'm not so worried about tomorrow. I just want to finally see my pathology report and face the ugly beast.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Day 5: Pulmonary Embolism? Shut up!
I’m in the hospital. :-(
I came here this morning (I guess I should say yesterday, since it's 2:00 am now) to do the typical breast cancer tests. CAT scans, X-Rays, MRI, bone scans etc. It took me an entire morning of running around from one place to the other, getting undressed, drinking weird tasting liquids, getting injected and being scanned. I finally got home after several hours, simply exhausted!
I was ready for some much needed rest, but I had barely taken my clothes off when the phones started ringing. The home phone, my cell, Brian's cell...What the heck? Several calls from doctors, nurses and secretaries in a state of panic, who were all trying to reach me and share the "good" news. The CAT scan showed that I had multiple blood clots in my lungs, so I should rush to the Emergency Room!
Well, what do you know!
I put my clothes back on grudgingly, having this sinister idea at the back of my mind that I should just ignore the lot of them and just take a nap instead. But Brian was pretty worried, he called William and asked him to come and stay with the kids, and so we headed back to the hospital.
The staff there had already been told to wait for me, so things moved relatively fast for an ER. After they asked me some questions about my health and how I felt, they took my blood pressure and pulse and I was admitted with no further questions.
They put me in a wheelchair and they took me to a room for an initial check up. A young doctor came to check on me. I explained to him that I was diagnosed with breast cancer only 5 days ago and that when I had my CAT scan they found that I had a pulmonary embolism. He said it's not uncommon to have an embolism when you have a malignant tumor. Great!I got the feeling that he was trying to act casually, but at the same time he avoided looking at me. Is it my idea or am I getting that a lot lately...
Later on someone came and explained to me that they needed to put me on a Heparin IV. When blood clots form in our body the treatment is not to try to get rid of them, but to make it easier for the clot to move around, without blocking any arteries. The heparin is a blood thinner that should do the trick.
Since it wouldn't be so practical to be stuck on an IV all the time, I was told that they would give me a different medication after a day or two. Another blood thinner called Coumadin. A pill that will join my other pill friends and will be taken once a day for 6 months. The only drawback, it takes 3-4 days for Coumadin to start working, so the heparin and the Coumedin have to overlap for a few days. In the meantime I have to be monitored to make sure my blood clotting abilities stay within normal range. Not too thin, not too thick, the perfect mix!
I was so tired and they were taking forever. I don't know why. They made it sound that I had to rush there, but here I was 4-5 hours at the exact same condition. I was cranky. I knew I should have trusted my rebel thoughts and stayed home isntead.
They finally gave me a room at about 1:30 in the morning, so here I am in hospital room #5239. I have an IV and I'm strapped with some electrodes on my chest so they can check my heartbeat at all times. Apparently it's racing like a rabbit's heart while chasing a wagon full of delicious carrots!
Let the fun begin! Before I could even understand what was really wrong with me they started taking vitals, blood etc. Within an hour they had taken from me at least 1o vials of blood for tests! They also told me that I'll have to stay here for at least 4 days, until they get me stabilized.
I am so exhausted. I'll try to go to sleep. I just don't want to think about it anymore.
I came here this morning (I guess I should say yesterday, since it's 2:00 am now) to do the typical breast cancer tests. CAT scans, X-Rays, MRI, bone scans etc. It took me an entire morning of running around from one place to the other, getting undressed, drinking weird tasting liquids, getting injected and being scanned. I finally got home after several hours, simply exhausted!
I was ready for some much needed rest, but I had barely taken my clothes off when the phones started ringing. The home phone, my cell, Brian's cell...What the heck? Several calls from doctors, nurses and secretaries in a state of panic, who were all trying to reach me and share the "good" news. The CAT scan showed that I had multiple blood clots in my lungs, so I should rush to the Emergency Room!
Well, what do you know!
I put my clothes back on grudgingly, having this sinister idea at the back of my mind that I should just ignore the lot of them and just take a nap instead. But Brian was pretty worried, he called William and asked him to come and stay with the kids, and so we headed back to the hospital.
The staff there had already been told to wait for me, so things moved relatively fast for an ER. After they asked me some questions about my health and how I felt, they took my blood pressure and pulse and I was admitted with no further questions.
They put me in a wheelchair and they took me to a room for an initial check up. A young doctor came to check on me. I explained to him that I was diagnosed with breast cancer only 5 days ago and that when I had my CAT scan they found that I had a pulmonary embolism. He said it's not uncommon to have an embolism when you have a malignant tumor. Great!I got the feeling that he was trying to act casually, but at the same time he avoided looking at me. Is it my idea or am I getting that a lot lately...
Later on someone came and explained to me that they needed to put me on a Heparin IV. When blood clots form in our body the treatment is not to try to get rid of them, but to make it easier for the clot to move around, without blocking any arteries. The heparin is a blood thinner that should do the trick.
Since it wouldn't be so practical to be stuck on an IV all the time, I was told that they would give me a different medication after a day or two. Another blood thinner called Coumadin. A pill that will join my other pill friends and will be taken once a day for 6 months. The only drawback, it takes 3-4 days for Coumadin to start working, so the heparin and the Coumedin have to overlap for a few days. In the meantime I have to be monitored to make sure my blood clotting abilities stay within normal range. Not too thin, not too thick, the perfect mix!
I was so tired and they were taking forever. I don't know why. They made it sound that I had to rush there, but here I was 4-5 hours at the exact same condition. I was cranky. I knew I should have trusted my rebel thoughts and stayed home isntead.
They finally gave me a room at about 1:30 in the morning, so here I am in hospital room #5239. I have an IV and I'm strapped with some electrodes on my chest so they can check my heartbeat at all times. Apparently it's racing like a rabbit's heart while chasing a wagon full of delicious carrots!
Let the fun begin! Before I could even understand what was really wrong with me they started taking vitals, blood etc. Within an hour they had taken from me at least 1o vials of blood for tests! They also told me that I'll have to stay here for at least 4 days, until they get me stabilized.
I am so exhausted. I'll try to go to sleep. I just don't want to think about it anymore.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Day 2
I woke up early and my stomach still felt like it did the night before. It had turned into a tight knot that was making it difficult for me to breath! I felt sick. I showered and got ready to go to the hospital for my very first MRI. Oh, joy of joys!
I took a sedative, so by the time we got to the hospital I was already feeling disoriented and oozy. After registration we found our way to Radiology.
Only a few minutes later and I had to leave Brian and Natalie in the waiting room to follow a nurse into the inner sanctum of the "magnetic fields". She lead me to a room with a locker where I had to change into a gown and scrubs.
When I reemerged, dressed up in that ridiculous outfit, she sat me in a wheelchair and she pushed me right outside the MRI room. I was left there waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Now that I think about it I'm not sure if it was really that long, but it did feel like an eternity.
By that time and although the medicine had already started to kick in, everything around me looked empty and unbearably dull. I don't think I started drooling or anything, although I felt so drunk that maybe I did but was too high to even realize!
Thankfully the nurse finally came back and told me to follow her once again. I went into the room where they would do the MRI. She told me I had to lie on my stomach, put both my breast inside two openings that she would adjust for me and stay still for about an hour. Hey, it sounds kinky, I'm in! Then she put an IV on my arm. Not much pain there. I thought "This is going to be a piece of cake!" And it was! Well, sort of.
The radiologist came in, a dude that really couldn't care less and didn't say much. I lied down on the platform that the nurse had already covered with some sheets before I came in, and she placed some funky headphones on my head (they were pretty big). "To listen to music if I wanted to" she said. She tried to keep my hair out of the way, so that I could look at the little mirror that was now placed right in front of my face. Somehow it was showing some cabinets from across the room, but mostly it was reflecting the tips of my hair. Nothing interesting there, so I closed my eyes.
The music was lame, but I was able to relax listening to it. I dozed off and woke up many times, each time at the sound of the nurse's voice telling me how long the next scan would last. I lost count after a while and went back to looking in the mirror, the stupid cabinets, and my newly permed hair with the shiny soft locks that I knew I was going to loose sooner or later.
Still nothing interesting there to see. I closed my eyes again. For a moment I thought that when all this is over I ought to remember to tell them that they should put a DVD screen instead of this small mirror. Watching a movie would be much better than their… furniture. I could very easily stay still for 2 hours watching a movie with Johnny Depp. Hmm...but now that I think about it, maybe it would get too hot in that tube. Not only because Johnny would raise the temperature with his slurred words, but the monitor would probably emit enough heat to make it even more uncomfortable in there. So I guess it's a bad idea after all.
Anyway, about 45 -50 minutes later the MRI was over. Right when I was starting to drift into another nice nap, I heard the voice telling me they would get me out of the tube and to "be careful to keep my elbows close to my body". The nurse came in again. She told me that I did great and that I didn't move an inch! :-)
I tried to get up, but to my horror and embarrassment, I couldn't!
I was on my stomach for so long that my back was locked into that place!
I tried to roll on my side but I remembered that my breasts were still...well, down there. I lifted my shoulders up and grabbed the one side of the bed with one hand. I tried to release my breasts from those uncomfortable holes they had been hanging in and tried to cover them at the same time, but my back still would not budge. Awesome!
I think the dude that couldn't care less, probably found me to be a very amusing show at that point.I was finally able to drag my self to the side and crawl out of that thing. The nurse helped me put my gown back on and she led me back to the dressing room to find my clothes and whatever little dignity I had left within me.
I came out when I was fully clothed and ready. I found Brian and Natalie still waiting for me. I could tell they were ready to get out of there. "Same here" I thought.
We stepped out of the entrance of the hospital. It was pretty cold.We got in the car and Brian drove us home. I don't remember talking much, and if we did I don't remember what we talked about. I was still tired and dizzy from the sedative.
When we pulled into our driveway we found some beautiful flowers waiting outside the door. Bryan and the Sandpoint team had sent them along with a really sweet note:
"Dear Stamatia,We send these flowers to make your heart happy today,and we want you to know that we hope and pray for yourspeedy recovery and healing.Love,Bryan & the Sandpoint Team"
They were gorgeous bright spring colors! I put them in our bedroom. Every time I look at them they cheer me up. :-)I decided to stay in my bed for a little rest. I was hoping I could check my e-mail. I sent a few messages to friends and family the night before, so I was curious to read their thoughts.
I found a reply from Maria, always very kind, and another one from Gramma.
Gramma is always so sweet! She wrote me the lyrics to a hymn that one of her friends had sent her when Grampa was in the hospital. It sounded really lovely, but I think the seeds of bitterness have already been sown in my garden.
I know that she was trying to encourage me but unfortunately the timing was bad. Right after my first MRI, after being poked and strapped to an IV and stripped off my clothes and told to lie face down on a cold bed with my breasts hanging in some holes, so that a scan would show a malignant tumor I already know I have in one of them! Let’s just say I wasn’t feeling so receptive to the idea of the glory of His strength at the moment.
Am I becoming a cynic?
Sorry Gramma. :-(
I took a sedative, so by the time we got to the hospital I was already feeling disoriented and oozy. After registration we found our way to Radiology.
Only a few minutes later and I had to leave Brian and Natalie in the waiting room to follow a nurse into the inner sanctum of the "magnetic fields". She lead me to a room with a locker where I had to change into a gown and scrubs.
When I reemerged, dressed up in that ridiculous outfit, she sat me in a wheelchair and she pushed me right outside the MRI room. I was left there waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Now that I think about it I'm not sure if it was really that long, but it did feel like an eternity.
By that time and although the medicine had already started to kick in, everything around me looked empty and unbearably dull. I don't think I started drooling or anything, although I felt so drunk that maybe I did but was too high to even realize!
Thankfully the nurse finally came back and told me to follow her once again. I went into the room where they would do the MRI. She told me I had to lie on my stomach, put both my breast inside two openings that she would adjust for me and stay still for about an hour. Hey, it sounds kinky, I'm in! Then she put an IV on my arm. Not much pain there. I thought "This is going to be a piece of cake!" And it was! Well, sort of.
The radiologist came in, a dude that really couldn't care less and didn't say much. I lied down on the platform that the nurse had already covered with some sheets before I came in, and she placed some funky headphones on my head (they were pretty big). "To listen to music if I wanted to" she said. She tried to keep my hair out of the way, so that I could look at the little mirror that was now placed right in front of my face. Somehow it was showing some cabinets from across the room, but mostly it was reflecting the tips of my hair. Nothing interesting there, so I closed my eyes.
The music was lame, but I was able to relax listening to it. I dozed off and woke up many times, each time at the sound of the nurse's voice telling me how long the next scan would last. I lost count after a while and went back to looking in the mirror, the stupid cabinets, and my newly permed hair with the shiny soft locks that I knew I was going to loose sooner or later.
Still nothing interesting there to see. I closed my eyes again. For a moment I thought that when all this is over I ought to remember to tell them that they should put a DVD screen instead of this small mirror. Watching a movie would be much better than their… furniture. I could very easily stay still for 2 hours watching a movie with Johnny Depp. Hmm...but now that I think about it, maybe it would get too hot in that tube. Not only because Johnny would raise the temperature with his slurred words, but the monitor would probably emit enough heat to make it even more uncomfortable in there. So I guess it's a bad idea after all.
Anyway, about 45 -50 minutes later the MRI was over. Right when I was starting to drift into another nice nap, I heard the voice telling me they would get me out of the tube and to "be careful to keep my elbows close to my body". The nurse came in again. She told me that I did great and that I didn't move an inch! :-)
I tried to get up, but to my horror and embarrassment, I couldn't!
I was on my stomach for so long that my back was locked into that place!
I tried to roll on my side but I remembered that my breasts were still...well, down there. I lifted my shoulders up and grabbed the one side of the bed with one hand. I tried to release my breasts from those uncomfortable holes they had been hanging in and tried to cover them at the same time, but my back still would not budge. Awesome!
I think the dude that couldn't care less, probably found me to be a very amusing show at that point.I was finally able to drag my self to the side and crawl out of that thing. The nurse helped me put my gown back on and she led me back to the dressing room to find my clothes and whatever little dignity I had left within me.
I came out when I was fully clothed and ready. I found Brian and Natalie still waiting for me. I could tell they were ready to get out of there. "Same here" I thought.
We stepped out of the entrance of the hospital. It was pretty cold.We got in the car and Brian drove us home. I don't remember talking much, and if we did I don't remember what we talked about. I was still tired and dizzy from the sedative.
When we pulled into our driveway we found some beautiful flowers waiting outside the door. Bryan and the Sandpoint team had sent them along with a really sweet note:
"Dear Stamatia,We send these flowers to make your heart happy today,and we want you to know that we hope and pray for yourspeedy recovery and healing.Love,Bryan & the Sandpoint Team"
They were gorgeous bright spring colors! I put them in our bedroom. Every time I look at them they cheer me up. :-)I decided to stay in my bed for a little rest. I was hoping I could check my e-mail. I sent a few messages to friends and family the night before, so I was curious to read their thoughts.
I found a reply from Maria, always very kind, and another one from Gramma.
Gramma is always so sweet! She wrote me the lyrics to a hymn that one of her friends had sent her when Grampa was in the hospital. It sounded really lovely, but I think the seeds of bitterness have already been sown in my garden.
I know that she was trying to encourage me but unfortunately the timing was bad. Right after my first MRI, after being poked and strapped to an IV and stripped off my clothes and told to lie face down on a cold bed with my breasts hanging in some holes, so that a scan would show a malignant tumor I already know I have in one of them! Let’s just say I wasn’t feeling so receptive to the idea of the glory of His strength at the moment.
Am I becoming a cynic?
Sorry Gramma. :-(
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Day 1
So here I am. End of day 1 after being diagnosed with breast cancer.
I woke up this morning feeling great. Last night I was up talking to B. until 4:00 am! It was the best talk we've ever had! I'm so lucky to have him. He's so supportive and strong. I really love the guy!
I felt really blessed this morning. I was full of energy and I almost felt happy! Weird, I know. It helps me to know that I have so many people thinking about me and praying for me. I guess it does give strength after all.
I got up at 7:00 am, yes after only 3 hours of sleep. I helped the kids get ready for school and sat down in the office. Time to break the news to my family in Greece.
I had already told Sally the day before. She sent an e-mail out to everyone in the family to let them know. Emily e-mailed me and then called. She always knows how to make people laugh. It was great.
It was already late to call my folks the day before, but I knew that I should do it today.
I was able to get a hold of my brother first. He's so great to talk to about things like this. He really made me feel a lot better. Thanks Antoni mou!:-)
Then I talked to my sister. Mikie already knew that I was going in for a biopsy. Too bad I didn't have good news to share. We had a nice talk. She was a little bit shocked at first, concerned, but she too was able to encourage me. I felt so much better after talking to them. I really miss them both.
Brian had to go to Dayton today. It was hard for me during the day. It's always harder when he's not around. I was in a daze for the rest of the day. I have this tight feeling in my stomach, like somebody gave me a big kick in the gut (not butt, Mr. Smarty Pants.)
I cooked dinner for the kids and when Brian got home around 6:40 I was already feeling tired and ever more scared, if that could ever be possible.
We watched that video game show we had recorded on the DVR and then sent the kids to bed. The 2 of us then went to bed and spent some time talking again. It was comforting. Some times listening to his voice while laying on his chest gives me the most incredible feeling. I'm safe there. Protected. Nothing can go wrong when I'm in his arms listening to his deep soothing voice.
I woke up this morning feeling great. Last night I was up talking to B. until 4:00 am! It was the best talk we've ever had! I'm so lucky to have him. He's so supportive and strong. I really love the guy!
I felt really blessed this morning. I was full of energy and I almost felt happy! Weird, I know. It helps me to know that I have so many people thinking about me and praying for me. I guess it does give strength after all.
I got up at 7:00 am, yes after only 3 hours of sleep. I helped the kids get ready for school and sat down in the office. Time to break the news to my family in Greece.
I had already told Sally the day before. She sent an e-mail out to everyone in the family to let them know. Emily e-mailed me and then called. She always knows how to make people laugh. It was great.
It was already late to call my folks the day before, but I knew that I should do it today.
I was able to get a hold of my brother first. He's so great to talk to about things like this. He really made me feel a lot better. Thanks Antoni mou!:-)
Then I talked to my sister. Mikie already knew that I was going in for a biopsy. Too bad I didn't have good news to share. We had a nice talk. She was a little bit shocked at first, concerned, but she too was able to encourage me. I felt so much better after talking to them. I really miss them both.
Brian had to go to Dayton today. It was hard for me during the day. It's always harder when he's not around. I was in a daze for the rest of the day. I have this tight feeling in my stomach, like somebody gave me a big kick in the gut (not butt, Mr. Smarty Pants.)
I cooked dinner for the kids and when Brian got home around 6:40 I was already feeling tired and ever more scared, if that could ever be possible.
We watched that video game show we had recorded on the DVR and then sent the kids to bed. The 2 of us then went to bed and spent some time talking again. It was comforting. Some times listening to his voice while laying on his chest gives me the most incredible feeling. I'm safe there. Protected. Nothing can go wrong when I'm in his arms listening to his deep soothing voice.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Ground Zero
Today I found out that I have breast cancer. :-(
I know it’s almost paranoid, but I feel so blessed right now. I have a husband that loves me. I have someone to share my deepest thoughts and fears. I know in the core of my heart that we were meant to be together. I also know that I will share this life and the next with him. I love him dearly and he loves me too.
Up until recently I felt that I had no one to support me and that everything worth living for was lost for me. Today I found out that I am surrounded by people that care and love me. I used to tell my therapist “I don’t have a support system” and guess what, I do after all!
I’m touched by the way Sally tried so hard to control her emotions and helped me feel that she’s someone I can always count on.
I’m happy that I got to tell Gramma myself. I really felt her love and concern in her e-mail.
Emily showed her support in her own unique way. By being funny as heck! I so needed a good laugh!
Annie called and left a sweet message offering to help in any way she could.
Love, all around. Family, at last. I do belong.
I’m so happy and relieved about the way Brian and I can talk about anything and everything in the most sincere way.
I feel so empowered by this right now. I feel that for the first time in a very long time I can use my mind again. I see things so clear!
I can look inwards and be able to interpret things that have evaded an explanation from me for years!
Both of us were able to make such progress today. I feel so much closer to him right now. I LOVE HIM! My goodness, I’m madly in love with my husband and he’s mine to keep for ever! Awesome!
I know it’s almost paranoid, but I feel so blessed right now. I have a husband that loves me. I have someone to share my deepest thoughts and fears. I know in the core of my heart that we were meant to be together. I also know that I will share this life and the next with him. I love him dearly and he loves me too.
Up until recently I felt that I had no one to support me and that everything worth living for was lost for me. Today I found out that I am surrounded by people that care and love me. I used to tell my therapist “I don’t have a support system” and guess what, I do after all!
I’m touched by the way Sally tried so hard to control her emotions and helped me feel that she’s someone I can always count on.
I’m happy that I got to tell Gramma myself. I really felt her love and concern in her e-mail.
Emily showed her support in her own unique way. By being funny as heck! I so needed a good laugh!
Annie called and left a sweet message offering to help in any way she could.
Love, all around. Family, at last. I do belong.
I’m so happy and relieved about the way Brian and I can talk about anything and everything in the most sincere way.
I feel so empowered by this right now. I feel that for the first time in a very long time I can use my mind again. I see things so clear!
I can look inwards and be able to interpret things that have evaded an explanation from me for years!
Both of us were able to make such progress today. I feel so much closer to him right now. I LOVE HIM! My goodness, I’m madly in love with my husband and he’s mine to keep for ever! Awesome!
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