As if things weren’t bad enough already, today I decided to shave my head!
I had an appointment to get my new wig and have a last fitting. I knew that they were going to ask me if I wanted to do it or not, they had told me so last time, so at least I was prepared. However, up until the very last minute I wasn’t sure. But then when she took my scarf off and I saw the ugly bald spots and my thinning hair here and there, I decided to bite the bullet and go ahead and do it.
I’m not even sure if this is something I would like to share, but I promised to write the truth, so here it goes. This is the first time that I really wished not even Brian was in the room! It was just a bad experience. There are no other words to describe it. I felt so violated!
The girl that took care of me was very sweet and discreet; she even asked me if I wanted her to turn my chair around so that I wouldn’t be able to see her while shaving my head.
I said yes, but then I felt kind of stupid, because I knew that eventually I would have to face it. I kept asking Brian not to look at me and he was kind enough to try to look down at his Blackberry.
When the girl stepped out for a minute to bring my wig, I turned my chair and looked in the mirror. My heart just dropped. It felt as if I were looking at a picture of a prisoner at a Nazi concentration camp. Cancer stinks (Nazis too)! Brian tried to console me by telling me that even like this I still looked beautiful and he came over to hold me and kiss me. Isn’t he a sweetheart? Although I did appreciate the try, I could still see the result myself. It was horrible! There was a little fuzz left, but it looked absolutely ridiculous!
The girl soon returned with my wig and I put it on my head. I felt a little bit better. Less exposed, less vulnerable. It’s a whole new look for me and I must say that I prefer it that way. I know that some people like their wigs to match their old hair, but I wanted something completely different. I wanted to have a look so that if I saw someone I know in the street, they would think I just had a new cool haircut. I was afraid that just having a fake version of my own hair would be too obvious, but that’s just me.
I came home and wanted to go straight to my room. I just needed to take that wig off and scratch my itching scalp like crazy, but I was intercepted by the children. When the boys saw me wearing the wig they had mixed feelings about it. I looked too different they said, but they liked the style. Better than what’s underneath it, I thought. Natalie of course, loved it! That's my girl! I’ll try my best so that they never see me without hair. I'm thinking it would be too traumatic for them, as it was for me. I’m so happy that I ordered all those hats and scarves before hand! I even have a baseball cap with hair! Sweet!
Did I mention that it hurts when you lose your hair? Nobody prepared me for this, but it hurts like heck! Not the scalp, but the hair follicles, as the hair move. I think the shorter hair will help, until they’re gone too of course. The girl said it takes a couple of weeks for the pain to subside. When she washed my head, it hurt so bad, I had to try really hard not to scream. Ouch!
I wonder how it’s going to be tonight. They say that the scalp gets really cold, but fortunately I have a night cap! How sad is that? I'm hoping I'll get some rest, because I feel exhausted.
Last night I slept half of the night in a sleeping bag on the floor, by the fireplace. Natalie’s idea of a fun night! She loves to lay down by the fire! I woke up at about 3:00 am and went to my bed, and then I went back downstairs at around 7:30 am, before she realized I wasn't there the whole night. I knew that if she woke up and I wasn’t there, I’d be in big trouble for ruining it all for her!
Tonight I feel like reading before checking out, which is a good sign for me. Hopefully I’ll be able to relax and have a good night’s rest.
Cheers!
Showing posts with label hair loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hair loss. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
How to be a (bald) party pooper
I knew that some day I would have to face this, only I didn't expect it to be so soon.
Last night I was invited by my children to attend a music show they had prepared for me in our game room. I walked in the room and saw that indeed they had everything ready. The room was clean, the amp and microphone was ready, music playing in the background.
They gave me a few minutes to sit my tired bones on the recliner. A few seconds later Brian joined us too. Natalie hit play on Darian's mp3 player and notes from Kings and Queens by Aeorsmith filled the room. Natalie was "playing" the fake guitar the boys use to play Rockband, a video game that they all love to play, and David was keeping the rhythm by clapping his hands. Darian picked up the microphone and started singing. He did such a good job! Way to go Darian! We all loved it! It was so special!
I don't know why, but after they were done and we were all together for the first time in a while, all happy and relaxed I thought it might be a good opportunity to talk to them a little bit about what has been going on with me and what to expect next. I know...what was I thinking? What a party pooper!
I started explaining to them that I feel fine, how lucky I am that chemo didn't make me feel too sick the first time, but it might be a little harder as they give me more, and I explained to them some of the symptoms that I have now, like pain in my joints, fatigue, low blood count, shortness of breath etc.
I also wanted to prepare them about the upcoming surgery. I explained to them that chemo was Step 1, but there are more things I need to do afterwards. I tried to explain to them about how the surgery is done and what my choices are.
When I told them that I'll probably do the double mastectomy and not just a lumpectomy, Darian started to get visibly uncomfortable. He wanted to know the odds, and numbers.
I simply answered that I'm not sure and continued to go on, keeping in mind that maybe I'll have to tone things down a little bit, so that they don't begin to worry about me too much.
Brian gave me a look and said in Greek, "Don't you understand? He needs to hear it in numbers." I got it. Darian's ability to understand things is all revolved around numbers, statistics and odds." I quickly back tracked and said that Daddy would explain the odds of not having cancer again after completely removing the breasts in numbers, so you can understand. Brian was able to break it down in simple terms so that everybody understood that whatever my odds of a recurring breast cancer might be, they would be cut by 90% if I removed the breasts.
Then I made sure to explain to them that a plastic surgeon would reconstruct my chest and it would look the same, if not better! Mom would look exactly the same! Nobody will be able to tell that I had surgery and removed my breasts, because I'll have new ones!" I said excitedly.
For David the conclusion was easy. "I think you should do it" he said simply. Darian understood, but still looked uneasy. Natalie was jumping on the treadmill or climbing all over my chair humming songs to her self, so my guess is that she was the easiest to persuade.
I went on explaining them that after the surgery it's going to take me a little longer to recover. It's going to be a bit painful, I'll have a drain for a couple of weeks, I'll need a lot of rest and I won't be able to pick things up for a while, so we will all have to be patient until I get better.
I noticed Darian had started to rub his eyes. He was trying to hold back tears. I signaled Brian to go sit by him. Brian went and took him in his arms. We tried to explain to him that mom is fine and she'll be even better once she gets this cancer out of her, but he was inconsolable. He kept rubbing his face silently while tears were pouring out of his beautiful blue eyes.
I got up, sat right next to him and hugged him. I tried to calm to him and validate his feelings while I kept saying that I will be all right. "It's OK to be sad, it's OK to feel angry, it's OK to be scared. I feel the same way too. Can you tell me how you feel?" I asked.
"I can't, I can't!" were the only words that could come out of his mouth. By that time Brian and the rest of the kids left the room in order to give us some privacy. I asked them to get us some ice cream, and I was left alone with Darian, still holding him tight in my arms.
"Can you talk about it?" I asked. "No," he nodded. "Could you talk about it to someone else?" I insisted, thinking my therapist might be able to help him out. "If I can't tell you mom, than I doubt I could tell anyone else! I don't know what I'm feeling. I just don't know." I gave him another tight hug and told him to know that I love him, that I promise him everything will be fine, and not to forget that it's OK to have those feelings, even if he can't describe them yet."
Then the ice cream came and we all felt a lot better! :-)
I think this is the hardest part of this whole thing. When the kids get terrified and worried, and there's really no way to protect them from what's coming. I too have feelings that I can't describe from time to time. Despair, fear, anger. It's hard to put into words the frustration that cancer leaves you with. It isolates you. But when you see this whole mess touching your children's heart, then it's unbearable! I wish there was something I could do to take their fear and pain away.
But wait! The situation gets "hairier"! This morning I woke up and tons of my hair had started falling off. I decided to take a shower and use the new shampoo I bought from the wig place. Supposedly it helps get rid of the toxins from chemo and it helps sooth the scalp.
I was excited to try it. I let the water drip on my head and I felt the weight of my wet hair on my shoulders. When I lifted my arms to start massaging my scalp, alas, tons of my hair was left in my hands. Wherever I touched hair just fell out in bunches, but that's not all! In the mean time the falling hair had started getting tangled up with my remaining (still attached) hair and pretty soon I had a really whopper of a...tangled situation in my hands and head.
I stepped out of the shower almost trembling. I called Brian and showed him the tangled mess on my head. "What am I going to do? Do I need to shave my head?" I remember how the lady at the wig shop asked me if I wanted to, and I felt it was too soon and said "No." Now I had to face the fact that the time has probably come.
I tried anything I could get my hands on to make it better. Tons of conditioner, Infusium, hair oil, you name it I tried it. Nothing worked. Every now and then I would stop and try to comb it. I can't describe how much hair I lost by doing this! I would touch my hair and long stretchy tufts would just slide out, sometimes without even pulling. After I filled an entire sink full of hair I decided I had to admit my defeat and accept the realization that the only way was to cut it.
I told Brian I wanted to be alone, but he insisted he wanted to stay. Finally we agreed that he should do it, so we found some good scissors and he started cutting the bottom first, and then moved on to the tangled part, trying to save as much as he could. Good boy!
So now I have a shorter haircut that doesn't look half bad, thanks to Brian. He did a good job afterall! I also have a bunch of dead toxic hair sitting in my sink that I need to clean up, but not before I take some pictures! I've never seen so much hair in my life! I have to keep a record of this for posterity!
It's a good thing I already bought some scarves! I wore my favorite one with a straw hat I bought from the wig shop. Now I have to swallow the fact that I actually have to get out of the house like this. The kids have their Opening Day for their baseball season and I have to be there. I can already imagine all the people looking at me knowingly, with their "she has cancer" look.'
But it's time for me to go. So I'll take a deep breath, keep my fingers crossed and pray that I survive my first public appearance with my new "cancer look". I was able to fake it so far, but I'm afraid these days are over.
So, keep your (half bald) head held up high, and off you go for new adventures, cancer girl!
Last night I was invited by my children to attend a music show they had prepared for me in our game room. I walked in the room and saw that indeed they had everything ready. The room was clean, the amp and microphone was ready, music playing in the background.
They gave me a few minutes to sit my tired bones on the recliner. A few seconds later Brian joined us too. Natalie hit play on Darian's mp3 player and notes from Kings and Queens by Aeorsmith filled the room. Natalie was "playing" the fake guitar the boys use to play Rockband, a video game that they all love to play, and David was keeping the rhythm by clapping his hands. Darian picked up the microphone and started singing. He did such a good job! Way to go Darian! We all loved it! It was so special!
I don't know why, but after they were done and we were all together for the first time in a while, all happy and relaxed I thought it might be a good opportunity to talk to them a little bit about what has been going on with me and what to expect next. I know...what was I thinking? What a party pooper!
I started explaining to them that I feel fine, how lucky I am that chemo didn't make me feel too sick the first time, but it might be a little harder as they give me more, and I explained to them some of the symptoms that I have now, like pain in my joints, fatigue, low blood count, shortness of breath etc.
I also wanted to prepare them about the upcoming surgery. I explained to them that chemo was Step 1, but there are more things I need to do afterwards. I tried to explain to them about how the surgery is done and what my choices are.
When I told them that I'll probably do the double mastectomy and not just a lumpectomy, Darian started to get visibly uncomfortable. He wanted to know the odds, and numbers.
I simply answered that I'm not sure and continued to go on, keeping in mind that maybe I'll have to tone things down a little bit, so that they don't begin to worry about me too much.
Brian gave me a look and said in Greek, "Don't you understand? He needs to hear it in numbers." I got it. Darian's ability to understand things is all revolved around numbers, statistics and odds." I quickly back tracked and said that Daddy would explain the odds of not having cancer again after completely removing the breasts in numbers, so you can understand. Brian was able to break it down in simple terms so that everybody understood that whatever my odds of a recurring breast cancer might be, they would be cut by 90% if I removed the breasts.
Then I made sure to explain to them that a plastic surgeon would reconstruct my chest and it would look the same, if not better! Mom would look exactly the same! Nobody will be able to tell that I had surgery and removed my breasts, because I'll have new ones!" I said excitedly.
For David the conclusion was easy. "I think you should do it" he said simply. Darian understood, but still looked uneasy. Natalie was jumping on the treadmill or climbing all over my chair humming songs to her self, so my guess is that she was the easiest to persuade.
I went on explaining them that after the surgery it's going to take me a little longer to recover. It's going to be a bit painful, I'll have a drain for a couple of weeks, I'll need a lot of rest and I won't be able to pick things up for a while, so we will all have to be patient until I get better.
I noticed Darian had started to rub his eyes. He was trying to hold back tears. I signaled Brian to go sit by him. Brian went and took him in his arms. We tried to explain to him that mom is fine and she'll be even better once she gets this cancer out of her, but he was inconsolable. He kept rubbing his face silently while tears were pouring out of his beautiful blue eyes.
I got up, sat right next to him and hugged him. I tried to calm to him and validate his feelings while I kept saying that I will be all right. "It's OK to be sad, it's OK to feel angry, it's OK to be scared. I feel the same way too. Can you tell me how you feel?" I asked.
"I can't, I can't!" were the only words that could come out of his mouth. By that time Brian and the rest of the kids left the room in order to give us some privacy. I asked them to get us some ice cream, and I was left alone with Darian, still holding him tight in my arms.
"Can you talk about it?" I asked. "No," he nodded. "Could you talk about it to someone else?" I insisted, thinking my therapist might be able to help him out. "If I can't tell you mom, than I doubt I could tell anyone else! I don't know what I'm feeling. I just don't know." I gave him another tight hug and told him to know that I love him, that I promise him everything will be fine, and not to forget that it's OK to have those feelings, even if he can't describe them yet."
Then the ice cream came and we all felt a lot better! :-)
I think this is the hardest part of this whole thing. When the kids get terrified and worried, and there's really no way to protect them from what's coming. I too have feelings that I can't describe from time to time. Despair, fear, anger. It's hard to put into words the frustration that cancer leaves you with. It isolates you. But when you see this whole mess touching your children's heart, then it's unbearable! I wish there was something I could do to take their fear and pain away.
But wait! The situation gets "hairier"! This morning I woke up and tons of my hair had started falling off. I decided to take a shower and use the new shampoo I bought from the wig place. Supposedly it helps get rid of the toxins from chemo and it helps sooth the scalp.
I was excited to try it. I let the water drip on my head and I felt the weight of my wet hair on my shoulders. When I lifted my arms to start massaging my scalp, alas, tons of my hair was left in my hands. Wherever I touched hair just fell out in bunches, but that's not all! In the mean time the falling hair had started getting tangled up with my remaining (still attached) hair and pretty soon I had a really whopper of a...tangled situation in my hands and head.
I stepped out of the shower almost trembling. I called Brian and showed him the tangled mess on my head. "What am I going to do? Do I need to shave my head?" I remember how the lady at the wig shop asked me if I wanted to, and I felt it was too soon and said "No." Now I had to face the fact that the time has probably come.
I tried anything I could get my hands on to make it better. Tons of conditioner, Infusium, hair oil, you name it I tried it. Nothing worked. Every now and then I would stop and try to comb it. I can't describe how much hair I lost by doing this! I would touch my hair and long stretchy tufts would just slide out, sometimes without even pulling. After I filled an entire sink full of hair I decided I had to admit my defeat and accept the realization that the only way was to cut it.
I told Brian I wanted to be alone, but he insisted he wanted to stay. Finally we agreed that he should do it, so we found some good scissors and he started cutting the bottom first, and then moved on to the tangled part, trying to save as much as he could. Good boy!
So now I have a shorter haircut that doesn't look half bad, thanks to Brian. He did a good job afterall! I also have a bunch of dead toxic hair sitting in my sink that I need to clean up, but not before I take some pictures! I've never seen so much hair in my life! I have to keep a record of this for posterity!
It's a good thing I already bought some scarves! I wore my favorite one with a straw hat I bought from the wig shop. Now I have to swallow the fact that I actually have to get out of the house like this. The kids have their Opening Day for their baseball season and I have to be there. I can already imagine all the people looking at me knowingly, with their "she has cancer" look.'
But it's time for me to go. So I'll take a deep breath, keep my fingers crossed and pray that I survive my first public appearance with my new "cancer look". I was able to fake it so far, but I'm afraid these days are over.
So, keep your (half bald) head held up high, and off you go for new adventures, cancer girl!
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Wig
Have you seen “The Bucket List”? I watched it a few months ago, before I was even diagnosed, and I really enjoyed it (little did I know!) Other than the fact that Nicholson plays his “crazy and obnoxious” Nicholson version and Morgan Freeman plays his “Driving Miss Daisy” character yet again, the movie was not half bad.
Well, for those who don’t know the plot, it’s about 2 terminally ill men, one is filthy rich (Nicholson), the other not so much (Freeman). The 2 meet each other in the cancer ward of a hospital that Nicholson basically owns. Freeman starts making a list of things that he’d like to do before he dies. When rich Nicholson gets a hold of it he makes everything happen, but not before he adds a few crazy ones of his own. Both men learn a lot from each other but unfortunately this is not one of those stories where you can say at the end that they lived happily ever after, because of course they both die of cancer eventually.
I too found my self thinking along those lines not too long ago, and the first thing on my list was to teach each of my kids a song on the guitar.
Today I’m happy to announce that David has learned how to play his very first song on my guitar, “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” by Iron and Wine, compliments to his amazingly talented mom who taught him all the chords and how to strum! He still needs to practice a little more but he did great for a first time! I’m so proud of him. Way to go David! :-)
On a different note, I went to the clinic to check my INR today and it’s within the normal range again, meaning I need to continue taking Coumadin and alternate the dose from 5mg to 2,5mg every other day as I have been doing. They didn’t take blood for any further tests, so I guess I’ll have to wait until next Friday to find out what my white blood count is. Last week it was 0.7! Holy cow! The normal range is 4.6-10.2 so I can’t help wondering if that is even humanly possible in a live state! Apparently yes for me.
The doctors mentioned last time that they’ll give me a shot of Neuplasta a day after chemo, in order to boost my WBC and my immune system. I hear it hurts the bones like heck when it enters the bone marrow, but it is very effective. I try to eat healthy and I started doing my stretching exercises again. Let’s not forget that I have a bad back on top of everything else, so I need to take it easy. I’m hoping that my counts will be up next week. Brian keeps stuffing things in my mouth and gets frustrated when I just can’t eat. Maybe one good thing would be that I’ll loose some weight.
Anyway after all the poking and pricking at the clinic, we went to a place called “Allusions” which claims to be “the natural solution to hair loss”. I was a little apprehended when I first walked in. The place looked nice, but I didn’t know what to expect. I felt a knot in my throat. Thankfully the lady that we talked to was very friendly and sweet. She noticed that I felt uncomfortable even just being there.
My guess is I wasn’t the first one to walk through that door carrying this load on their shoulders. She asked me if I was loosing my hair due to medical reasons. I could barely find the words to talk I was so dazed, but Brian saved me as he often does, by telling her I was diagnosed with breast cancer not too long ago and it’s been 2 weeks since my first treatment. I finally found my voice and told her that yesterday was the first day that I noticed a considerable amount of hair coming off. She looked at me and said smiling “Don’t worry, we’ll help you through this.” Immediately something in my gut told me that she really meant it and I relaxed a bit. OK, they don't bite.
She took us in a private back room to look at the wigs they had displayed on a shelf. I sat in a swiveling chair in front of a mirror feeling rather depressed at first. I had to wear a silly cap, kinda like a pantyhose that goes only on the top of the head, in order to keep the real hair down and out of the way.
I don’t know if I was ready yet to admit that I had lost that fight. Not that there was anything I could do about it of course, but it’s really hard to see your hair go! I would have never imagined! The thought of it only makes me feel sicker than I already am, if that’s even possible!
The lady started taking measurements of my head and making conversation. I just wanted to cry, but always true to myself, I held it together. Apparently the bone on the back of my head is not protruding enough, which to me didn’t seem to be such a big predicament, but I found out that it might be a little tricky to keep the wig from slipping towards the front because of it. She said that they can fix it but they’ll have to use double of something or another to keep it in place. By that point I didn’t really mind, “It’s not going to be my hair anyway, so who cares?” I thought grudgingly.
The first 2 wigs that I tried were about the same color as my own hair, only a lot longer. The hair itself was very good quality, they looked and felt very natural, but when I tried it on I felt ridiculous. I looked like one of the guys on SNL when they dress up like girls. It looked so not like me. Scary! Then I asked her if I could try a shorter hairstyle. She showed me 2 more that looked really nice and I loved the color! One was shoulder length and the other one was even shorter, barely below the ears.
I tried both on and we all agreed that those 2 were the ones that looked best on me, especially the short haired one. Who would have thought! I actually looked good in short hair! At that point I had started getting excited and having fun with the whole thing. It was like playing dress up again, and what girl doesn’t like that!
I was still busy talking to the lady, asking her opinion and trying on hats and scarves when I noticed for the first time that Brian had gotten pretty quiet. I turned my chair to look at him and I realized he had tears in his eyes. “Are you OK, honey?” I asked him. The lady quickly excused herself and got out of the room.
“Yes!” he said, “It’s just that I’ve seen how sad and worried you’ve been the past few days about losing your hair. I just saw your face relax for the first time in days when you tried that first wig! When you tried on the second one it was even better! Your face looked so bright and happy! I finally saw the pain melt away from you and for the first time you had a look that said “OK, I can do this”. I’m so happy for you!”
That’s my Brian! He’s always so sensitive and thoughtful. He even wanted me to buy both wigs! Isn’t he sweet? We’re talking close to $1200 for both! Good thing I have a prescription from the doctor for a "cranial prosthesis" and our health insurance will hopefully cover part of it. I told him I only needed one. If I feel like playing dress up again I can buy one of the cheaper ones. You can find some of the low quality ones for $30. If any of you girls (or boys) want a cool wig for Halloween in 2010 I know where you can find a really good one. Sorry it's already reserved for Halloween 2009. ;-)
The girl came back to the room a few minutes later and asked me if anyone has given me a “pink ribbon bag” yet. I had no idea what that was, so she left the room again and came back with this pretty tote that was FULL with goodies in her hands. It was so full it was almost impossible to carry around! I had to hand it to Brian because it was so heavy!
When I came home and opened it I found a hat, a water bottle, 3 books about cancer and how to self-heal (maybe they know something we don’t), a journal/sketch book with a pen, a chapstick and a hand lotion, some mints, a pink satin pillowcase (cotton pillowcases irritate the scalp when you don’t have hair), a pink aromatherapy heating and cooling pad, coloring pencils and post it notes, even a walkman with a tape that helps you meditate during chemo! I’m thinking I’ll probably be spending my next treatment visualizing that I’m zapping that tumor with a big laser gun or something. Not bad.
I’m home with Natalie now. Brian, William and the boys went downtown to see the baseball game, so it’s just us girls getting ready for our slumber party. I’m thinking no hair dressing game this time, which is unfortunately Natalie’s favorite part of the slumber parties we have. She takes out her hair dryer and brushes my hair, puts ribbons and pins on them… It wouldn’t be so amusing if she was left with bunches of my hair in her hands, poor thing!
There’s still light outside so we will have to wait a couple more hours. I decided to turn on my computer and check my calendar. Lo and behold, I have more appointments coming up. One with a dietician next week, then my second round of chemo on Friday and my Look Good… Feel Better seminar that Brian signed me up for last week. Apparently they give you a big box with all kinds of goodies there too!
http://www.lookgoodfeelbetter.org/index.htm
This is a list of companies donating their products for the make-up kit they give you. A big thank you to all of them!
Avon Products, Inc.*
BeautiControl
Beiersdorf North America, Inc.
Bonne Bell, Inc.
Chanel Inc.
Clarins Groupe USA,
Cosmolab Inc.
Coty U.S., Inc.
Del Laboratories, Inc.
Elizabeth Arden
The Estee Lauder Companies Inc.
Aveda Corporation
Bobbi Brown Professional Cosmetics
Clinique Laboratories, Inc.
Estee Lauder Inc.
M.A.C. Cosmetics
Origins Natural Resources, Inc.
Prescriptives Inc.
Stila Cosmetics
Johnson & Johnson Consumer Products Worldwide.
Neutrogena Corporation
KAO Brands Company
Lindi Skin
L’Oreal USA, Inc.
Dermablend, Inc.
Lancome
L’Oreal
Maybelline, Inc.
Mary Kay, Inc.
Merle Norman Cosmetics
OPI Products, Inc.
Playtex Products, Inc.
Pochet of America
Procter & Gamble Cosmetics
Redex Industries, Inc
Revlon, Inc.
Almay
Schering-Plough Healthcare Products
Unilever Home & Personal Care NA
Chesebrough-Pond’s USA
YSL Beauté, Inc.
Alberto-Culver Company
Shiseido Cosmetics (America) Ltd.
Don't be jealous girls, I'd much rather buy the stuff at the mall, than have them given to me because I have breast cancer. I'm sure we all agree on this.
But truth be told, there are some perks to having cancer. Who knew! :-)
Well, for those who don’t know the plot, it’s about 2 terminally ill men, one is filthy rich (Nicholson), the other not so much (Freeman). The 2 meet each other in the cancer ward of a hospital that Nicholson basically owns. Freeman starts making a list of things that he’d like to do before he dies. When rich Nicholson gets a hold of it he makes everything happen, but not before he adds a few crazy ones of his own. Both men learn a lot from each other but unfortunately this is not one of those stories where you can say at the end that they lived happily ever after, because of course they both die of cancer eventually.
I too found my self thinking along those lines not too long ago, and the first thing on my list was to teach each of my kids a song on the guitar.
Today I’m happy to announce that David has learned how to play his very first song on my guitar, “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” by Iron and Wine, compliments to his amazingly talented mom who taught him all the chords and how to strum! He still needs to practice a little more but he did great for a first time! I’m so proud of him. Way to go David! :-)
On a different note, I went to the clinic to check my INR today and it’s within the normal range again, meaning I need to continue taking Coumadin and alternate the dose from 5mg to 2,5mg every other day as I have been doing. They didn’t take blood for any further tests, so I guess I’ll have to wait until next Friday to find out what my white blood count is. Last week it was 0.7! Holy cow! The normal range is 4.6-10.2 so I can’t help wondering if that is even humanly possible in a live state! Apparently yes for me.
The doctors mentioned last time that they’ll give me a shot of Neuplasta a day after chemo, in order to boost my WBC and my immune system. I hear it hurts the bones like heck when it enters the bone marrow, but it is very effective. I try to eat healthy and I started doing my stretching exercises again. Let’s not forget that I have a bad back on top of everything else, so I need to take it easy. I’m hoping that my counts will be up next week. Brian keeps stuffing things in my mouth and gets frustrated when I just can’t eat. Maybe one good thing would be that I’ll loose some weight.
Anyway after all the poking and pricking at the clinic, we went to a place called “Allusions” which claims to be “the natural solution to hair loss”. I was a little apprehended when I first walked in. The place looked nice, but I didn’t know what to expect. I felt a knot in my throat. Thankfully the lady that we talked to was very friendly and sweet. She noticed that I felt uncomfortable even just being there.
My guess is I wasn’t the first one to walk through that door carrying this load on their shoulders. She asked me if I was loosing my hair due to medical reasons. I could barely find the words to talk I was so dazed, but Brian saved me as he often does, by telling her I was diagnosed with breast cancer not too long ago and it’s been 2 weeks since my first treatment. I finally found my voice and told her that yesterday was the first day that I noticed a considerable amount of hair coming off. She looked at me and said smiling “Don’t worry, we’ll help you through this.” Immediately something in my gut told me that she really meant it and I relaxed a bit. OK, they don't bite.
She took us in a private back room to look at the wigs they had displayed on a shelf. I sat in a swiveling chair in front of a mirror feeling rather depressed at first. I had to wear a silly cap, kinda like a pantyhose that goes only on the top of the head, in order to keep the real hair down and out of the way.
I don’t know if I was ready yet to admit that I had lost that fight. Not that there was anything I could do about it of course, but it’s really hard to see your hair go! I would have never imagined! The thought of it only makes me feel sicker than I already am, if that’s even possible!
The lady started taking measurements of my head and making conversation. I just wanted to cry, but always true to myself, I held it together. Apparently the bone on the back of my head is not protruding enough, which to me didn’t seem to be such a big predicament, but I found out that it might be a little tricky to keep the wig from slipping towards the front because of it. She said that they can fix it but they’ll have to use double of something or another to keep it in place. By that point I didn’t really mind, “It’s not going to be my hair anyway, so who cares?” I thought grudgingly.
The first 2 wigs that I tried were about the same color as my own hair, only a lot longer. The hair itself was very good quality, they looked and felt very natural, but when I tried it on I felt ridiculous. I looked like one of the guys on SNL when they dress up like girls. It looked so not like me. Scary! Then I asked her if I could try a shorter hairstyle. She showed me 2 more that looked really nice and I loved the color! One was shoulder length and the other one was even shorter, barely below the ears.
I tried both on and we all agreed that those 2 were the ones that looked best on me, especially the short haired one. Who would have thought! I actually looked good in short hair! At that point I had started getting excited and having fun with the whole thing. It was like playing dress up again, and what girl doesn’t like that!
I was still busy talking to the lady, asking her opinion and trying on hats and scarves when I noticed for the first time that Brian had gotten pretty quiet. I turned my chair to look at him and I realized he had tears in his eyes. “Are you OK, honey?” I asked him. The lady quickly excused herself and got out of the room.
“Yes!” he said, “It’s just that I’ve seen how sad and worried you’ve been the past few days about losing your hair. I just saw your face relax for the first time in days when you tried that first wig! When you tried on the second one it was even better! Your face looked so bright and happy! I finally saw the pain melt away from you and for the first time you had a look that said “OK, I can do this”. I’m so happy for you!”
That’s my Brian! He’s always so sensitive and thoughtful. He even wanted me to buy both wigs! Isn’t he sweet? We’re talking close to $1200 for both! Good thing I have a prescription from the doctor for a "cranial prosthesis" and our health insurance will hopefully cover part of it. I told him I only needed one. If I feel like playing dress up again I can buy one of the cheaper ones. You can find some of the low quality ones for $30. If any of you girls (or boys) want a cool wig for Halloween in 2010 I know where you can find a really good one. Sorry it's already reserved for Halloween 2009. ;-)
The girl came back to the room a few minutes later and asked me if anyone has given me a “pink ribbon bag” yet. I had no idea what that was, so she left the room again and came back with this pretty tote that was FULL with goodies in her hands. It was so full it was almost impossible to carry around! I had to hand it to Brian because it was so heavy!
When I came home and opened it I found a hat, a water bottle, 3 books about cancer and how to self-heal (maybe they know something we don’t), a journal/sketch book with a pen, a chapstick and a hand lotion, some mints, a pink satin pillowcase (cotton pillowcases irritate the scalp when you don’t have hair), a pink aromatherapy heating and cooling pad, coloring pencils and post it notes, even a walkman with a tape that helps you meditate during chemo! I’m thinking I’ll probably be spending my next treatment visualizing that I’m zapping that tumor with a big laser gun or something. Not bad.
I’m home with Natalie now. Brian, William and the boys went downtown to see the baseball game, so it’s just us girls getting ready for our slumber party. I’m thinking no hair dressing game this time, which is unfortunately Natalie’s favorite part of the slumber parties we have. She takes out her hair dryer and brushes my hair, puts ribbons and pins on them… It wouldn’t be so amusing if she was left with bunches of my hair in her hands, poor thing!
There’s still light outside so we will have to wait a couple more hours. I decided to turn on my computer and check my calendar. Lo and behold, I have more appointments coming up. One with a dietician next week, then my second round of chemo on Friday and my Look Good… Feel Better seminar that Brian signed me up for last week. Apparently they give you a big box with all kinds of goodies there too!
http://www.lookgoodfeelbetter.org/index.htm
This is a list of companies donating their products for the make-up kit they give you. A big thank you to all of them!
Avon Products, Inc.*
BeautiControl
Beiersdorf North America, Inc.
Bonne Bell, Inc.
Chanel Inc.
Clarins Groupe USA,
Cosmolab Inc.
Coty U.S., Inc.
Del Laboratories, Inc.
Elizabeth Arden
The Estee Lauder Companies Inc.
Aveda Corporation
Bobbi Brown Professional Cosmetics
Clinique Laboratories, Inc.
Estee Lauder Inc.
M.A.C. Cosmetics
Origins Natural Resources, Inc.
Prescriptives Inc.
Stila Cosmetics
Johnson & Johnson Consumer Products Worldwide.
Neutrogena Corporation
KAO Brands Company
Lindi Skin
L’Oreal USA, Inc.
Dermablend, Inc.
Lancome
L’Oreal
Maybelline, Inc.
Mary Kay, Inc.
Merle Norman Cosmetics
OPI Products, Inc.
Playtex Products, Inc.
Pochet of America
Procter & Gamble Cosmetics
Redex Industries, Inc
Revlon, Inc.
Almay
Schering-Plough Healthcare Products
Unilever Home & Personal Care NA
Chesebrough-Pond’s USA
YSL Beauté, Inc.
Alberto-Culver Company
Shiseido Cosmetics (America) Ltd.
Don't be jealous girls, I'd much rather buy the stuff at the mall, than have them given to me because I have breast cancer. I'm sure we all agree on this.
But truth be told, there are some perks to having cancer. Who knew! :-)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Definitely not like Elvis!
It’s like a daily joke between me and the kids to let them come and tug on my hair to see if my hair is still attached to my scalp! Well, let’s just say today was different. The boys came to my room and while we were talking I ran my fingers through my hair and when I pulled it out a big tuft came out in my hand.
Within seconds our daily joke stopped being funny anymore. I smiled and tried to crack an awkward joke “It has begun, guys!” but I think I couldn’t hide the surprise on my face. David said astonished “I really thought it wouldn’t happen.” Darian looked at both of us nervously not knowing what to do or say. “Yeah, me too” I said trying to sound indifferent.
We all climbed back on my bed, a little more somber, and looked at the catalog for wigs, hats and scarves once again. I could tell that this time they both felt the urgency of choosing a good one for me. They marked their favorite ones and commented on the ones that they thought would make me look “old”. We agreed that we would all initial the ones we liked and buy the ones that got the most approval.
A few minutes later they left the room to move on to their next game and I was left on the bed feeling exhausted. The familiar shortness of breath that seems to have been residing in my lungs lately felt worse than ever. Deep breaths…David came back not too long after, he laid down right next me and said “It’s going to be OK mom.” While touching my hair gently.
I can sense the change around me. My oldest son has started talking softer to me; he even hugs and kisses me now. My youngest has been sneaking in my room with his book offering to read to me. He usually wants me to read to him but not too long ago I told him that it calms me to listen to him read. Now that I think about it, my little girl had nightmares about me going away this morning. I wonder why.
I can’t help thinking about things that I would like to be remembered for.
I’d like to leave behind a mark for my children to look back to, something that would inspire them to think of me. At the same time I dread the thought of leaving things unfinished.
I think about that box in the basement, full of letters and journals I’ve kept over the years. Do I want these left behind? I had Brian promise me that he would keep the letters, and the endless lists I made of the kids’ first words and funny things they said from time to time, but definitely burn the journals. It’s only more painful memories and who needs that?
I talk about last wishes. I don’t have any houses or land to leave behind, so it comes down to personal effects. Brian keeps silent notes in his head, I know it must not be easy for him to hear this, but he’s patient, he understands that those are things I need to say.
We talk about what he would do after. Would he get married again? I tell him he needs a mother for those kids, he answers he loves me. I promise to look after him and the kids, and he says he'll come and find me, so we can be together again.
OK, I know this goes too far. I really don’t feel that depressed. I’m actually quite optimistic about the whole thing. I’ll do what needs to be done and I’ll fight as much as I can, but just like playing any other game, you need to cover all your bases.
I really doubt that I’ll die of breast cancer or that it would happen anytime soon. I’ll probably die of a broken hip in my 90’s or something.
There’s only one thing I’m sure of. I would not want to die like Elvis! I’d take cancer any day!
;-)
Within seconds our daily joke stopped being funny anymore. I smiled and tried to crack an awkward joke “It has begun, guys!” but I think I couldn’t hide the surprise on my face. David said astonished “I really thought it wouldn’t happen.” Darian looked at both of us nervously not knowing what to do or say. “Yeah, me too” I said trying to sound indifferent.
We all climbed back on my bed, a little more somber, and looked at the catalog for wigs, hats and scarves once again. I could tell that this time they both felt the urgency of choosing a good one for me. They marked their favorite ones and commented on the ones that they thought would make me look “old”. We agreed that we would all initial the ones we liked and buy the ones that got the most approval.
A few minutes later they left the room to move on to their next game and I was left on the bed feeling exhausted. The familiar shortness of breath that seems to have been residing in my lungs lately felt worse than ever. Deep breaths…David came back not too long after, he laid down right next me and said “It’s going to be OK mom.” While touching my hair gently.
I can sense the change around me. My oldest son has started talking softer to me; he even hugs and kisses me now. My youngest has been sneaking in my room with his book offering to read to me. He usually wants me to read to him but not too long ago I told him that it calms me to listen to him read. Now that I think about it, my little girl had nightmares about me going away this morning. I wonder why.
I can’t help thinking about things that I would like to be remembered for.
I’d like to leave behind a mark for my children to look back to, something that would inspire them to think of me. At the same time I dread the thought of leaving things unfinished.
I think about that box in the basement, full of letters and journals I’ve kept over the years. Do I want these left behind? I had Brian promise me that he would keep the letters, and the endless lists I made of the kids’ first words and funny things they said from time to time, but definitely burn the journals. It’s only more painful memories and who needs that?
I talk about last wishes. I don’t have any houses or land to leave behind, so it comes down to personal effects. Brian keeps silent notes in his head, I know it must not be easy for him to hear this, but he’s patient, he understands that those are things I need to say.
We talk about what he would do after. Would he get married again? I tell him he needs a mother for those kids, he answers he loves me. I promise to look after him and the kids, and he says he'll come and find me, so we can be together again.
OK, I know this goes too far. I really don’t feel that depressed. I’m actually quite optimistic about the whole thing. I’ll do what needs to be done and I’ll fight as much as I can, but just like playing any other game, you need to cover all your bases.
I really doubt that I’ll die of breast cancer or that it would happen anytime soon. I’ll probably die of a broken hip in my 90’s or something.
There’s only one thing I’m sure of. I would not want to die like Elvis! I’d take cancer any day!
;-)
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