I feel sick.I'm dizzy and in addition to my usual pain in my spine, my muscles hurt as if I ran a marathon. What really happened is that I had to park my car kinda far when I went to David's band concert 2 days ago. I had to walk for about 5 mins to get to the auditorium.

It was sunny and I was hot. Soon I could see David and Natalie walking way ahead of me as I was slowing down more and more with each step. I could feel that I had difficulty catching my breath. Once again I was reminded of how important it is to have the appropriate balance in order to have everything functioning normal in our bodies.

Chemo causes low red cell counts, among other unpleasant things. My low hemoglobin, translates to less amount of red cells "trapping" valuable oxygen. Less oxygen plus low platelets and low hematocrit, means I'm anemic so I get dizzy and I huff and puff like an old train engine when I walk over 5 secs. Great, isn't it!

My life has changed so much ever since this has happened. It's been a year and a half now that I've been going under treatment. I feel my body slowly shutting down. Every time a new symptom pops us, I feel I've lost another fight.

Now I'm in bed, barely having the strength to get up and do anything. I just want to rest, but I feel guilty, as if I'm giving up while I have so many people depending on me. That on its own scares me the most. What will happen to all those people who depend on me? I don't have the right to rest, I have no right to give up.

I'm so tired...

I had a lousy day. It started with a doctor's appointment that went well, but managed to send my gears in overdrive. All the "but if" scenarios have been running wild in my mind ever since I heard the dreaded words again. Aggresive, metastasis, Stage IV.

I'm sitting here thinking "Am I dying, and nobody is telling me? I feel weak and I look tired. I've lost 40 pounds and I don't feel like eating much. I'm yellow with shades of green, dark black circles under my eyes. I'm bald and I'm loosing my eyebrows and eyelashes a lot sooner than last time. My spine hurts and I need to be constantly taking medication to control the pain. This is my new "normal"

But when I put my make up on, by the way it takes at least 4 layers of foundation to achieve a natural color at this point, I look at myself in the mirror and say "hey, it's not that bad, I feel fine!" And it's true! I do get down emotionally every now and then, but overall I'm fine! Today was a bad day, but I've had weeks in a row being fine. More than fine, awesome!

So, note to self, there are always going to be bad days, I just have to keep going. I can't rely on what's going to happen in the future. It's too far ahead and I don't want to waste my time. My focus should be on the here and now. On day at a time, bringing one foot in front of the other. This is the only way.

I’m in my bed at the hotel, trying to get some rest. Brian is already asleep. He’s pretty sick with a cold, so he’s been feeling lousy all day. I feel really sorry for him. I wish there was more that I could do to make him feel better. It’s a good thing we have separate beds! It would be really bad if I got sick now. My immune system is shot! We both wash our hands and use hand sanitizers like crazy.

I had a busy day at the hospital, which looks more like a hotel, by the way. Everyone there is really nice and cheerful; one wonders where they find the courage. Looking around at the other people there, you can easily tell who the patients are and who the caregivers. First, we all wear personalized tags with our names on. They all have a nice big “P” for patients and “C” for caregivers.

Of course the dead giveaway is the fact that most patients have no hair, their color is yellow-green, and some are in wheelchairs. I asked Brian when we got back “Do I look as sick as those people?” He said I didn’t, but I’m suspecting he was trying to be nice. He did say though that when we were there he was thinking about how “beautiful” I look compared to the others. Should I believe him?

I met the oncologist after lunch. He was very kind and seemed trustworthy and knowledgeable. We went over my medical records, and then he examined me and told me that he wanted to run a bunch of other tests that would provide more info about my condition. Very important on that list are the PET scan, that tells you where and if there are more cancer cells in your body, and the genetic test that will show if my cancer is hereditary, or if I’m the first lucky one to have mutated DNA in our lineage. He also prescribed a stronger pain medication that is extended release, so I can manage my pain better.

I had my first blood tests (10 vials total) and an EKG right after. I felt lightheaded and tired. When the first results came back, the nurse came and told me that my hemoglobin was low (what’s new?) and that the doctor wanted me to have a blood transfusion tomorrow morning. Crap! I hate that!

They gave me my schedule for the rest of the week. It looks like Wednesday is going to be another busy day. They want to be done by Thursday so I can have my treatment on Friday, if I choose to. I’m not sure if I’m going to do it or not.

I don’t know why, but I miss my doctor in Ohio. I have this crazy thought that I would really like him to be with me right now. What can I say, I really trust the guy! It might be the fact that he’s the first doctor since I’ve moved here to actually give me his cell phone number, LOL!! I sent him a text once and he called me back within minutes. Plus he knows his stuff and he’s always up to date about current treatments and researches.

So…what am I doing here? Good question! I think tomorrow I’ll have a better idea of the different approach they claim to have here. I have appointments with a nutritionist, a pain management specialist and a naturopathic consultant (he will suggest natural supplements and treatments). I will also have a “mind & body” session with a therapist that teaches you how to reduce stress and focus on happy thoughts. It sounds pretty ridiculous right now, if you ask me. I’m thinking I might try acupuncture too. What the heck, I’ll try anything at this point!

Well that’s all there is for now. It’s late and I have to get up at 6:00 am. I’ll let you know how things go.

What can I say? I’ve been duped! I really thought I would be done with cancer and its treatments after December, but oh boy, don’t I feel stupid now! I was honestly ready to never return on this blog again, although I have really enjoyed pouring all those thoughts and feelings out. I thought it would be a sign of breaking free from the disease and I felt an urge to never look back after “beating” cancer in the first place. Note #1: Things never go as planned, so you always have to leave room for the unthinkable to happen and to be humiliated for not thinking about it in the first place. I had to learn the hard way.

I finished my radiation treatments on Dec. 28, right after Christmas. The girls at the radiology department even gave me a certificate that said that I passed, congratulating me for beating cancer! So what the heck happened? Why was I back at the doctor’s office only a few weeks later, getting another biopsy that would eventually confirm that my cancer was still there? Grrrr…

To my utter surprise and disbelief, I had to start chemo treatments again at the end of March. My cancer was sill there from what all the scans have shown. After all those treatments, another battle would have to begin once more this year. I was so ready for a truce! Why did it have to happen this way? I really needed a break!

Well, to cut a story short I started chemo again, I just finished my 3rd treatment and I’m supposed to have 6 total, so 3 more. I will have more radiation after that, electron beam radiation, and we’re still experimenting on cocktails. I have tried 2 different ones, so far.

I got an extra opinion from the Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Chicago. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes. I don’t anticipate posting as often as I did last time. I feel the need to focus on my family instead and spend less time shutting everyone out and isolating myself. We’ll see…

I've been thinking...

I read an article yesterday about a recent research on Triple Negative Cancer. There were many interesting facts and I found a lot of good advice to follow.

One thing though that caught my eye, made me feel really nervous. This oncologist was talking about a new drug that is now being used together with chemo (I didn't use this) and has increased the expectancy of a recurrence to 6.8 months instead of 3.3!! Come again?? Did I read this right? Do I really have an average of 3.3 months before this thing sprouts somewhere else?

I spent almost my entire night thinking of dying. Would I be scared? No, I concluded, it will be fine. But when I think about the kids...that's a different story.

Brian was able to ease my fears a little bit. The fact that he made the effort, encouraging me and holding me in his arms, was more important to me than the actual words. What words could really comfort a person facing death?

It was 4:00 am when I finally gave up on the possibility of going to sleep on my own and took a sleeping pill. I finally closed my eyes around 4:30 am. I woke up this morning late. Brian was already up working and he had already taken the kids to school.I felt so blessed, but also guilty.

My mind started wondering about all those ugly thoughts that occupy my mind lately. Not just about the cancer, but mostly about my future, my worth as a human being, my place in my house, my family, the whole world. Do I have any value? Am I just spent? Do I have anything to offer still? Do I matter?

So often people associate their value on what other people around them, especially loved ones, think of them. If my spouse thinks I'm pretty, then I'm confident. If my boss says I'm a good employer then I'm successful, if my parents say I'm a good girl then I'm in the right path.

Yesterday I stopped and thought a lot about this. I believe that I have a purpose here on earth. I don't believe I came here after a series of coincidences or random acts. I believe that there is a greater power that created us. He loves us and he oversees things. I also believe that I was made to look after his own image. I believe he handpicked me and placed me here for a purpose. He chose me, and he chose my husband and our kids to be together on this earth and whatever follows after it. Most of all, he loves me, no matter what, and he is there for me in my darkest hours, when I humble myself and ask.

I get my value from him, not anybody else. If he says that I'm worthy to be here at this place and this time, who am I to argue? Do I loose my value, just because bad things happened to me, or because I made a few mistakes? I don't think so. If he says that he loves me, why wouldn't I feel worthy of love? If he says that he forgives me, why should I be so hard on myself? If he says that I'm the best of his creations, why would I feel so down on my self?

I think we should recalibrate. Find our worth and value where it truly lies. With our Heavenly Father and not with those around us. We should put our chin up and continue down the path he has for us. Head held up high, no matter how battered we are. He still loves us, he still chose us, we are still his children and he will provide for us always.

:-)

Freedom!

It’s 7:45 am. All three kids have gone to school and B to work. I sit on my bed and breathe in the silence in the air. What an incredible feeling! For years now I’ve always had at times the youngest of my kids around my skirt. This is the first time that they all go to school.

I don’t know what to do with my new found freedom. Many things have already crossed my mind. I think about maybe volunteering at the hospital, at least this is my top preference for now, but then I second guess myself. Is it too soon to be in an environment full of sick, sometimes dying people? It hasn’t been that long since I considered myself one of them. So I think, and rethink, but for now I haven’t decided yet. I used to volunteer at the school before I got sick, but we’re half way through the school year, the positions are already filled. Maybe find a job somewhere, but where?

I swipe away the thoughts and try to concentrate on what I should do right now instead. Maybe I should clean up the family room and the kitchen a little bit, maybe my bedroom too, where everybody’s stuff seem to end up in these days. But I look at the clock again and change my mind. It’s not even 8:00 yet! And then I find it! I will stay in my bed and enjoy a few moment of doing nothing. Then I’ll have to do something for myself, a nice hot bath, or walk on the treadmill first and then take the nice hot bath, then drink a yummy hot chocolate by the warm fire of the fireplace while reading a good book.

This day will be mine to savor every free minute of it. So, I’m going to snooze a little bit more, and go on to pamper myself right after. You should probably do the same too. We all deserve it!

The End

It's been little over a week since I finished radiation. As expected, my skin all around the incision is red, dry and it hurts like heck. It actually looks like cooked flesh, really disgusting! I've been taking oxycodone, a lot of it... All it does is make me feel loopy, and takes the edge off the pain.

My last radiation was on the 28th. Brian's family was still here, so we all went out for dinner to celebrate...the big event. It still hasn't registered to my brain.
It feels strange not to have to go for treatment every day. I started at the beginning of October! I would almost say I miss it, but my pain keeps me well grounded! :-)

I'm thinking I should close this blog and start a new one. This one has served its purpose. It has been a way for me to vent during my entire treatment. Now I don't really want to talk about cancer anymore. At the end I did feel that I had reached my limit, now I'm glad it's over. I want it all behind me as I start the new year, hopefully a better one.

I am so grateful to all of you for reading this blog and keeping me in your prayers. I know there were times that it was only those prayers that carried me through. I'm so thankful for all those e-mails I received giving me hope and helping me hang in there, and all the help from family and friends who came to visit. It's great to have people that care about you and are willing to go the extra mile to keep you going too. I couldn't have done it without you.

That's all for now. I'll be back with any updates, good or bad. :-)