Another long day. I woke up this morning and Brian had already gone to work. I didn't even hear him wake up! I went downstairs and cleaned the kitchen. After I was done I really had nothing more to do. I sat there on the couch doing nothing at all.

I could sense the danger. If I were left to my own devices I would probably start going down really fast again. So, I decided to make some more bracelets before Joleene and Debbie came, just to keep my mind occupied with something less troubling and time went by relatively fast.

They came to see me sometime in the afternoon and it was nice to spend some time with them. It feels good to be able to talk to friends freely about what's going on. I like to see them treat me the same way they used to. They don't look at me as a sick person, at least that's what I hope.

Yesterday we went to church. At the end of the sacrament meeting the bishop came to greet us. I asked him if he had a minute for us to talk to him some day and he replied that he would be glad to talk to us right then. We went to his office and talked for about 20 minutes. There were a couple of times that I found it hard to keep it together. His eyes looked so worried and I was very emotional, but I didn't cry. I never do. After we talked to him I felt relieved. It was the right thing to do and I regret not doing it sooner.

By the time we left church we had talked to 3-4 people about it. It was interesting to see people's reaction. From total disbelief to utter sadness, or plain curiosity. I assume that by the end of the week a lot more people will know. That's how it usually goes.

I felt exhausted when I came home, mostly emotionally. I had never talked to so many people about my cancer before. I felt overwhelmed. I went to bed and took a nap. When I woke up I still felt tired and a little sad. So many things ran through my mind.

I try to escape, but I'm my worst enemy. I get pulled back by my own fears and worries. It's hard to see the bright side of things, especially when there's really none. I have so many hard decisions to make, none of them will get me out of this. I just have to accept things and move on, but it's sometimes hard to have hope and without hope there's really nothing.

I'll keep trying.

I've had a poem stuck on my mind all day. One of my favorites by K.P.Kavafis. Here's a translation.

CANDLES

The days to come are standing right before us,
like a row of little lighted candles -
gold, warm and lively little candles.

The bygone days are left behind,
a dismal row of burned-out candles;
those that are nearest smoking still,
cold candles, melted and bent.

I don't want to look at them; their sight saddens me,
and it saddens me to recall their former glow.
I look ahead at my still lighted candles.

I don't want to turn around, lest I see and shudder
how fast the darksome line grows longer,
how fast the burned-out candles multiply.