I came back from Arizona on Monday night. The flight was OK, not as bad as the one going there a few weeks back, when I felt pretty lousy right after my chemo.

I was hoping to go to sleep early, but that didn’t happen, of course. I woke up early the next morning in order to go the hospital for my new MRI. I decided not to take a sedative, so I was a little nervous that I would have a panic attack or something. It turns out I did just fine. It helps when they tell you how much time each scan takes. I was counting seconds in my head so it wasn’t that bad. This time my back didn’t hurt when I got up and there were only women around so I felt more comfortable being exposed.

I came home and tried to rest. It was disturbingly quiet. I miss the kids. The day went by as expected. I felt tired and I tried to get some rest until it was actually time to go to bed and I couldn’t.

I woke up early again the next morning. This time I had to go to the clinic for my chemo.
It was busy and my regular doctor was not there. I showed the nurse the bruise that I got after my last treatment. It extended all the way up to my elbow, following the path of my vein and there’s a specific point somewhere in the middle of my forearm where it looks and feels more like a burn, probably from the chemicals that went in. The nurse took a picture of it, but nobody told me anything about what I’m supposed to do to get rid of it.

Today I went to the clinic again for my Neulasta shot. My blood count was pretty low, even lower that last time. I can’t wait when all this is over. I’m going to see a new doctor in Cleveland on the 10th, the one who’s doing the clinical trials for a new vaccine for triple negative breast cancer patients. I will get a second opinion and see if I qualify for the research he’s working on.

After that, I’ll have my last treatment on the 24th and a few weeks after that I should be ready for the surgery. I’m worried and scared. I have a long recovery ahead of me, and I’m worried I might not have the help I need to go through this. Am I doing the right thing? After all I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life, however long that is.

I’m tired and I feel sick. I want to try and take a nap but I think our neighbors are having a party and there’s loud music coming into my bedroom. It’s frustrating. I’ll put some earplugs in my ears and I'll try to get some sleep.