Radiation #1

I had my first real radiation treatment today. I felt so strange walking into the changing room, taking off my clothes and wig, and slipping into the hospital gown. I felt like I was shedding my skin off and getting into a new one. Before and after. The one that helps me pretend to be OK and then the real deal underneath it all, the sick one.

I walked into the radiation lab. Every time there's a new person there to greet me. I don't remember their names, I don't really pay attention. The nurse told me I had to lie down on the same hard metal surface like before and rest my head on the pillow/mold they made for me a few weeks back. Once again I had to raise my arms over my head and reach for the bar that was right behind the pillow. They measured the marks on my chest one more time, made sure everything is in order, and then asked me to turn my head to the left and sit very still.

I was tensed, and every time I relaxed a little bit I thought I was going to move, maybe mess up their marks. I was sure that this would make them be cranky at me. I tried not to move at all, but I felt my back starting to tingle.

After a few last minute adjustments, they were ready to "zap" me. Everybody left the room silently. They were afraid to be exposed to the same radiation that will be infusing my body for the next 7 weeks. I was left there alone, exposed and worried.

The machine started whirling and beeping. It started moving from the very far right side of my body, stopping every minute or so to send the radiation beams down to my chest. Moving slowly, it moved unto a new position every few minutes, sending radiation from a new angle every time. It took about 30 minutes to complete the entire 180 degrees and finish the treatment on the very left side of my torso. The machine stopped making noise and it stopped moving. The nurses came back into the room and announced to me that my first treatment was over. Only 34 to go!

I tried to bring my arms down slowly, but they were completely numb and my shoulders were really sore. I tried to get up, but my back would not cooperate. The pain was killing me! The nurse grabbed unto my arm and helped me get up. She told me that I could stay there for as long as I needed.

I got to my feet slowly and sat to a chair to put my shoes on. I was stiff and sore all over. I managed to go back to the changing room, and put my "disguise" back on. I walked out to the car limping.

Natalie whined to me "What took you so long?" "You don't want to know" I replied to her.
Brian looked at me worried. "Did it hurt?" he asked me.

"No" I said, thinking that tomorrow I'll have to do it all over again...

Another day gone by. I've had a pretty busy day. I had to drive Darian to school in the morning because he missed the bus, came back home and got Natalie dressed and ready to go back to school because Darian's class had a "probability carnival" during their Math class. It was really fun and Natalie loved all the prizes she won. She even won the raffle! Actually, both Darian and Natalie won, so it was a good experience all around!

I came back home and got some rest and then went to pick up David from his school. I took him to Kohls in order to buy him some new clothes. He grows so fast! We found some jeans that he liked, but I need to take him to Old Navy tomorrow to find some more tops and a jacket because we couldn't find anything good there.

Brian was not feeling very well today so he spent the entire morning in bed. When I got back he was in his office working and he's still in there. Natalie and I started a fire in our fireplace (it's getting really cold here), we put our sleeping bags on the floor, had a snack and watched Madagascar 2 together. We both loved it!

After a while I went to get the mail and I saw that I had received one package from my sister and another one from my mother, with lots of fun stuff for my birthday. Yes, I know my birthday was a almost 2 weeks ago, but since 9/11 packages from the other side of the world take a ridiculous amount of time to get here. Gone are the days when I used to receive mail from Greece within 4 days.

I spent the rest of the day with the kids, watching movies and having fun together by the fireplace. I'm so happy that I don't spend my days in bed anymore! I dread the time that I'll start feeling tired again. I want to make the best of it now that I can.

Poor Darian was so happy that I went to his school today! He kept hugging me and saying "thank you" that I was able to go. It was the first time I actually met his teacher this year. Pathetic! I'm usually much more involved, I volunteer and help out the kids' teachers whenever I can. This is the first time that I haven't done it and it's hard for both me and the kids. They're used to seeing me at their school, and I'm used to having a closer relationship with their teachers. I guess we all have to accept our new "normal" and live with it for as long as it's needed.

I know Brian has a hard time accepting that we're both so tired and that we can't do all the things we used to be able to do. He feels that since I can't do it, the responsibility falls on his shoulders, but of course he can't do everything! I try to remind him time and again that this is something that affects everyone in the family and we need to accept the fact that things are not going to be the same, but he still gets upset about it and then gets me all stressed out too. I've made a promise though and I try to keep it. I have to keep these things out of my mind for now. I do whatever I can with the kids and the house, but mostly I'm in survival mode. I can't worry about the mess and the things that remain undone and unfinished. I really need to keep my strength and my sanity a priority.

The kids are in bed now, Brian's still working and I can relax and check my e-mail and post my thoughts. Pretty soon I think I'll try to go to bed and get some rest.

Oh, and I did mention that I laughed myself to tears again today? I love YouTube! Search for TV bloopers and you'll see what I mean...

Gramma, I hope you had a good laugh today too! ;-)

Laughter is the Best Medicine!

I try so hard to keep a positive attitude. Yet it seems that this too has to be a challenge.

As I witness things falling apart around me, the house looking like a tornado hit it, the kids looking at me with worry in their eyes and my husband hiding his pain from me, I keep repeating the same thing in my mind over and over again: "Don't let this bring you down, don't let it bring you down."

I've made a promise to laugh myself to tears at least once a day. I started 2 days ago. I'm glad that there are so many greek people posting funny things on YouTube, because I've laughed my self silly the past couple of days. Oh, how I had missed a good greek joke! I had forgotten how much I appreciate our kind of humor. It's the best remedy for feeling down. Funny to the point where...bathroom accidents might occur!

I'll let you know how this works. Who knows? It might be true, what they say about laughter...

Sick :-P

I was so sick today! It reminded me of the times I had chemo, only this was even worse, if that could ever be possible!

I woke around 6:30 am. The phone was ringing. It was David calling me from the bus to tell me that he forgot his English homework and could I please bring it to him.
I told him I would meet him at the front desk in a few minutes. I quickly got out of my bed and got dressed and ready to go.

There was a huge line of cars at the school, parents dropping off their kids. I was able to park and go inside. I saw David arriving at the exact time as me. I handed him his homework and turned around to head back to the car.

That's when I first realized that my stomach felt funny. My back still hurt a lot, it started acting up again last night, so I decided to take some pain medicine as soon as I got home.

By that time Darian was already taking a shower and soon he was ready to go to school too. I went back to bed after he left, Natalie was still asleep on our bed and I stayed there with her for a little while longer. Soon Brian was up too. He had to hurry and head downtown for work. Natalie and I went downstairs.

We started cleaning up a little bit. We did the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, and picked up the family room. Of course I needed a break after all that. These days I can only do so much at a time.

We sat on the couch and took out N's colored pencils. We were coloring and having a good time, when I started feeling more and more sick. I felt dizzy, tired achy, and nauseated. I lied down on the couch. I was still wearing my night cap (it keeps my funny, fuzzy head warm at night.) It also comes in handy as a night mask from time to time, so I pulled it down to cover my eyes. The light really bothered me.

My stomach was upset and my back was killing me. I took another painkiller, but I could not eat anything with it, although I knew I'm not supposed to take those on an empty stomach. I just couldn't.

I must have fallen asleep there, because at some point I heard Natalie's voice saying "Mom, I have some soup for you. Don't worry; I'll take good care of you!" I opened my eyes and saw that she had brought her little dish set and she was ready to feed me! She had put some water in one of her little pink bowls, some bread on a tiny plate, she had a little cup with even more water, and a yogurt! What a sweetheart!

I lied there while she started feeding me, spilling most of the water on me and giving me hugs and kisses after each bite. I told her my stomach was upset and I couldn't eat the yogurt. She was pretty bummed, but I praised her so many times for taking such good care of me and being thoughtful that she soon forgot about the yogurt.

I must have continued slipping in and out of sleep because the next thing I remember was the front door opening and David was home from school.

I told him I felt really sick and now that he was here I was going to go to my bed and try to get some real rest. Of course a few minutes later, both of them were on my bed talking to me.

That's when I started feeling even worse. I told David I was going to be sick, and to take Natalie out. I rushed to the bathroom and vomited. I was dizzy and my sinuses hurt so bad!
I didn't know what to do. I opened one of those Thermacare heating pads that I use for my back and held it over my nose. Soon it started draining and I felt a little better.

I went back downstairs and took another little nap while David was playing video games and Natalie was watching him. Soon it was almost 5:00 pm. I had to go pick Darian from school. I gathered all the energy I could muster and drove to school. The same story as before. There was a long line of cars, and I waited patiently for my turn to get to the entrance of the building where Darian was waiting for me. I drove back home in a daze.

I went straight to my bed again. Next thing I know, Brian was home and he brought me a bowl of stew that one of the ladies from church had prepared for us. I could not taste much, but it felt good to finally have something in my stomach. He also gave me one of my anti-nausea pills. Duh, why didn't I think of that before? Anyway, I went back to sleep and I finally woke up again around 8:00 pm.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go back to sleep tonight, but I feel so tired right now, I'm sure I'll sleep like a baby. I sure hope that I'll be better tomorrow. I hate being sick, especially now that my body resistance is so low and I have no means to fight back the germs. I bet that's why I feel so bad. David had the same thing a few days ago but he wasn't that sick.

Stupid cancer... I'll just try to get some more rest now and hopefully I'll be a lot better tomorrow. Thank goodness it's Saturday!

Routine

I'm having trouble going to sleep lately. As a consequence of course, I have a hard time waking up early in the morning. When I do manage to get up, I try to help the kids to get out to school. Sometimes, when they run late, I have to drive them. I have to admit I usually do it without really "being there". It's like an out of body experience!

When I get back, I still feel tired most of the times. I retrieve to the couch and spend some more time resting there. If Natalie is already up my work is cut up for me. She's always so full of energy! She wants to play and do all kinds of things. I play tea parties with one eye open, and hear her endless stories somewhere down in my subconscious, nodding yes or no every now and then. I even read her books!

When I finally get up, I start our daily routine, which consists mainly of me picking up the mess certain males in this household leave all over the place. It irritates me to think that there are 5 people living in this house, and only one cleaning up after everybody. What's even worse is that on the days that I don't feel very well, their mess accumulates, making it a nightmare for the days that I actually have a little energy left in me and decide to get up and start cleaning. I have to spend my entire morning picking up toys, garbage, empty plates, cups and silverware, wash dishes and wipe down sticky counters and tables. Of course after doing all that, it's time for them to come back home, and lo and behold, things start getting out of place again and I just feel useless and wiped out. That's when I hate my life the most.

My best times? When I spend time with the kids doing the things they like. I search for new music and funny video clips on the PC with David, play board games and cards with Darian, and do endless crafts with Natalie, as she's always into making something new and pretty.

So I better go and start making those crafts! Today she wants to make Christmas cards. It should be fun!

Have you ever looked in the mirror and found your self to be surprised at what you see looking back at you? It happens to me all the time lately.

Ever since I've had the mastectomy I obviously look different. I've always been a busty girl, so it feels really strange to have nothing left there anymore. I refuse to wear the prosthetic forms that came with the special camisole I bought before surgery. I tried wearing them a couple of times, but I can't help feeling ridiculous! It feels so fake, and useless, not to mention that it itches like crazy!

So these days when I look at my sick reflection in the mirror, even I can't recognize me anymore! I've gain a lot of weight during chemo ( the doctor kindly explained to me that it happens frequently to pre-menopause women), I barely have any hair, my eye lashes are almost all gone and my eye brows are just starting to grow back. My eyes have sunken in their sockets and I have deep black circles under them.

The funny thing is that after almost 2 months without any chemo inside me, I actually feel a lot better. I'm stronger and I have much more energy. The surgery set me back, but only a little bit. Still, whenever I look at my sorry face in the mirror I can't help but getting startled. Is that really me? What the heck happened to me? Will I ever get back to normal? I feel OK, why don't I look like the way I feel?

I started loosing some weight, so I guess that's a start! But other than that I'm just a sad remembrance of my old self. Battered and tired, frail and deformed. For some reason though, I don't feel defeated yet, not yet. I still have some fight within me, and I won't give up. Am I perhaps delusional? After all, my cancer is very aggressive and has already done a number on me.

There are times when I talk to Brian that I feel the reality of the situation. He always grounds me. Sometimes I really wish he would lie to me, but then again I don't. This is one of the reasons I love him so deeply, no crap coming from him. Always the truth. I know what I'm up against. I can prepare for what's about to come around the corner.

I feel the need to be with my children, see them grow and be there for them. This is what keeps me going. I want to be in my children's lives for as long as they need me. So I guess I'll keep trying. As long as I can.

It's been a while since the last time I posted. I'm still alive, no worries!
I just felt the need to retrieve to my "cave" for a little, in order to have the opportunity to think about things more clearly, and consider my true feelings about this whole mess. I really didn't feel like writing. Now I guess, I'm back! LOL!

I have completely healed from surgery and I'm doing quite well. I have a surprisingly good range of motion on my right arm. I kept doing stretches and all kinds of exercises. It does come handy to be an ex-physical therapist after all! I still feel tired and need to take breaks many times a day, but I'm gaining strength every day.

My family came and left and our time together was priceless. I'm really happy we finally had some time together. My sister spoiled us with all those gourmet meals that she made for us and she was so good with the kids! My mom kept "nagging" me to eat my fruit and vegetables, and kept trying to encourage me. My brother took such good care of me that first night at the hospital and then kept me motivated to go out and take walks when I got back home. I sure felt that I was the "baby" of the family once more and it was actually kinda fun! I really love them all!

There are so many people that have touched my heart with their kind thoughts and prayers, and offered their help during this difficult time for all of us. Brian's mom has come to help us out multiple times, and it's always so good for me when she's here. She has a unique way of keeping me motivated without being "on my case". I just feel better when she's around!

Gramma came to see us after her reunion in Indiana. We were so happy to see her. I really felt the warmth of her prayers so close to me! I only wish we had more time together.

Many friends from church, both from here and Arizona, have reached out to do whatever they can for us. Some by visiting or preparing meals for us every other day, others by sending cards and flowers to encourage me.

I'm so humbled from all this outpouring of love and support from everybody. I'm so grateful! I don't think I can find the right words to thank them all.

I went to the radiologist for the first time on Thursday. She is really nice and she made me feel I'm in good hands. I had a second appointment for a CAT scan on Friday. The nurses and the doctor took measurements and made marks on my chest to pinpoint the spots where the radiation will be applied. They drew a big square around the right side of my chest using a Sharpie! Then they put a gazillion stickers on me to keep the marks from fading.

My next appointment is on the 19th of the month. It's a test run, in order to calibrate the machine that will zap me, without actually doing it. My first real treatment will be the day after.
The plan calls for 5 days a week for a total of 7 weeks. The doctor warned me that it will feel like a bad sunburn, sore to the touch and very red. The skin also gets thicker and tighter as more scar tissue is formed. She gave a prescription for a lotion I'm supposed to use 2-3 times a day. She also said that I will eventually start feeling tired and I'll probably need to take more naps, or go to bed really early. Oh well, anything to get rid of whatever is left in there.

I don't know if my cancer treatment in its entirety will be successful enough to get rid of the cancer that has inhabited my body. There's always the chance for a metastasis. I have no real control over it. I can only hope and pray.

I'm at peace though. I feel there's no reason for sorrow or fear. I know that everything will be OK either way. :-)