Mesothelioma Cancer Awareness

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Monday, December 7, 2009

Some would say that it's stupid to live in constant denial. I say that sometimes it makes all the difference between life and death.

From the way beauty fades as we grow older, to all the heartwarming feelings that we realize we'll never experience again, to the total lack of interest in things that once used to be life's little guilty pleasures. They are all long gone, but we somehow try to convince ourselves that we still got them or, even more pathetic, that we can still win them back.

There are however those few moments of clarity. The moments when the truth hits you in the face like a stinky fish, just to remind you of all the things you don't really have anymore. And for a few horrifying minutes you know deep down, of all the things that aren't there anymore. And you hurt, even shed a tear or two. But then you manage to recompose and shudder the bad thoughts away. You try to remind yourself that you have to think positive and that this somehow is what you need to do whenever you happen to feel this way. Think positive. We don't dare to say it how it really is. We lie to ourselves. We live in denial. Just to be able to make it another day.

So, here's to kingdoms past and unfulfilled dreams. Here's to love, and beauty and every illusion of happiness we have ever left behind, never to find it again but only in our times of complete denial. Cheers!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Radiation stinks too!

I wish I could say that I'm feeling fine, but it would be a lie. I'm tired, in pain and sad. I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but I can't. I can barely move with all those painful burns all over my chest and throat.

I haven't put up the Christmas decorations yet. I'm hoping the boys will be able to help me this weekend. The house is a mess and there's nothing I can really do about it, other than look at it and feel horrible.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. It's so disheartening for me to realize that deep down I really wish I didn't have to worry about Christmas this year. It's too much. I'm glad I did some on-line shopping a couple of weeks ago, so I have most of the kids' and Brian's gifts ready, but other than that, I really don't have the energy to do anything else.

Natalie has started pre-school, so the house seems empty and quiet. The first couple of days I was glad to have a little break. Now I realize she really is one of the few reasons I have left to keep going.

So, I'm stuck in a recliner, not being able to move around too much, and not being able to eat or drink, because my throat hurts so bad when I swallow. I'm just watching TV and keep popping pain killers as I'm holding my breath trying to get them down without screaming in pain.

I know it sounds crazy to say it, but I'd rather be in a hospital than here. I hate trying to drag myself around and then having to accept that the only thing I can do with success is... sit in a chair. At least in a hospital you have the feeling of being sick, and you're taken care of as a sick person should be. Here I always struggle with the feeling that I'm not doing enough. There are always things to do, and in every step I realize I can't do them. It's driving me crazy!

The doctor gave me another week off radiation, so now I'll definitely have treatments until Christmas, but even with the 2 week break my burns are getting worse every day. The doctor said it's because even though I don't get any treatments, the radiation still works. My blood count is low again, so I've been feeling weak and dizzy.

I'll go back on Monday and the doctor will decide if I can resume treatments. I don't even know if this is good or bad. I guess I'm too tired to even respond.
I wish I had a switch I could flip on and off... I don't think I've ever wanted anything else so bad. Maybe I should ask Santa! Oh, wait...never mind.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The radiation has been going on as planned. With the exception of 2 times they had to cancel my appointment because there was some trouble with the machine, I have completed 8 treatments so far.

After my first week of treatment my back had started to really hurt. When I talked to the doctor last Monday she gave me some pain medication. We talked about ways that could probably help the pain so we agreed that I should start taking some anti-flammatory pills and see how it goes. After all that was said and done she casually mentioned "Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you that we found a spot in your right lung, it's really small, about 4mm, but we should look at it to make sure that everything is still OK.” I was devastated...

She said that she would compare my X-Ray with my previous CAT scan and see if the "spot" was something that pre-existed. It could be something completely innocent, like traces of a bad bronchitis that I had at some point etc. or something that would completely change things around, like a metastasis.

I spent an agonizing week, (no one called to give me an update or anything), thinking about all the different scenarios, and preparing my self for the worst. My Dr.’s appointments are usually on Mondays, so today was the day I was finally going to find out.

After my regular treatment was done a nurse took my vitals and led me to the Dr.'s office. A few minutes later a guy I had never seen before walked in. "Hello, I'm Dr. So and So", I didn't really catch his name. I thought "uh,oh they sent someone else to give me that bad news" but I didn't say anything. He started talking to me about the general side effects of radiation and such, which I found rather peculiar. I had been told all this before, several times as a matter of fact, what's the deal here? Soon after the Dr. finished all he had to say he asked politely "Do you have any questions?" Brian and I looked at each other. You have got to be kidding me!

I said "Dr. Leavik mentioned last week that she had noticed a spot in my right lung. She was supposed to compare the new X-Rays with my CAT scan and let me know..."
I saw his eyes twitch a little bit and he quickly looked down on the folder that was on his lap and started shifting all the papers around. "Uuuuh, I don't see anything here about that...How about I go find your scans and I'll cal you back later this afternoon. I’m really sorry!"

We thanked him and walked out of there pretty frustrated. Not only they hadn't called me, letting me stew on this for an entire week, but when I finally come this week, they act as if nothing had happened!

I'm grateful to that new Dr. that obviously felt really bad about this whole mess and looked into my file right away. He called me not once but twice! The first time to say that the "spot" pre-existed, so he's certain it's nothing serious, and the second time to tell me that the anti-flammatory the other Dr. told me to take, could cause nausea (which I had felt all of last week and couldn’t figure out why) stomach ulcers, and if combined with the Coumadin that I already take, it could cause serious bleeding!

I'm very relieved to hear that the cancer hasn't metastasized to my lung, and I'm glad that other doctor was decent enough to care and let me know, but I'm still very frustrated with my doctor! I think I'll call my oncologist. I want to see what he thinks about all this.

Well, other than that I’ve been feeling OK, compared to how I felt during chemo. I get pretty tired, especially in the afternoon, exactly how they said I would. I usually take a 2 hour nap and then I feel tired again around 11:00. I go to bed early so I wake up early. Not bad.

My chest has started to get a little red and I feel a little tingling and pain every now and then, but nothing serious so far.I get hot flashes and I sweat a lot but then get really cold within seconds. I feel dizzy and nauseous sometimes. Sounds like loads of fun, doesn't it? ;-)

I’m on week 3 and I really can’t wait to be done. There are so many things that I would like to do when this is all over. My list keeps growing. Will I have time?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Radiation #1

I had my first real radiation treatment today. I felt so strange walking into the changing room, taking off my clothes and wig, and slipping into the hospital gown. I felt like I was shedding my skin off and getting into a new one. Before and after. The one that helps me pretend to be OK and then the real deal underneath it all, the sick one.

I walked into the radiation lab. Every time there's a new person there to greet me. I don't remember their names, I don't really pay attention. The nurse told me I had to lie down on the same hard metal surface like before and rest my head on the pillow/mold they made for me a few weeks back. Once again I had to raise my arms over my head and reach for the bar that was right behind the pillow. They measured the marks on my chest one more time, made sure everything is in order, and then asked me to turn my head to the left and sit very still.

I was tensed, and every time I relaxed a little bit I thought I was going to move, maybe mess up their marks. I was sure that this would make them be cranky at me. I tried not to move at all, but I felt my back starting to tingle.

After a few last minute adjustments, they were ready to "zap" me. Everybody left the room silently. They were afraid to be exposed to the same radiation that will be infusing my body for the next 7 weeks. I was left there alone, exposed and worried.

The machine started whirling and beeping. It started moving from the very far right side of my body, stopping every minute or so to send the radiation beams down to my chest. Moving slowly, it moved unto a new position every few minutes, sending radiation from a new angle every time. It took about 30 minutes to complete the entire 180 degrees and finish the treatment on the very left side of my torso. The machine stopped making noise and it stopped moving. The nurses came back into the room and announced to me that my first treatment was over. Only 34 to go!

I tried to bring my arms down slowly, but they were completely numb and my shoulders were really sore. I tried to get up, but my back would not cooperate. The pain was killing me! The nurse grabbed unto my arm and helped me get up. She told me that I could stay there for as long as I needed.

I got to my feet slowly and sat to a chair to put my shoes on. I was stiff and sore all over. I managed to go back to the changing room, and put my "disguise" back on. I walked out to the car limping.

Natalie whined to me "What took you so long?" "You don't want to know" I replied to her.
Brian looked at me worried. "Did it hurt?" he asked me.

"No" I said, thinking that tomorrow I'll have to do it all over again...

Friday, October 16, 2009

Another day gone by. I've had a pretty busy day. I had to drive Darian to school in the morning because he missed the bus, came back home and got Natalie dressed and ready to go back to school because Darian's class had a "probability carnival" during their Math class. It was really fun and Natalie loved all the prizes she won. She even won the raffle! Actually, both Darian and Natalie won, so it was a good experience all around!

I came back home and got some rest and then went to pick up David from his school. I took him to Kohls in order to buy him some new clothes. He grows so fast! We found some jeans that he liked, but I need to take him to Old Navy tomorrow to find some more tops and a jacket because we couldn't find anything good there.

Brian was not feeling very well today so he spent the entire morning in bed. When I got back he was in his office working and he's still in there. Natalie and I started a fire in our fireplace (it's getting really cold here), we put our sleeping bags on the floor, had a snack and watched Madagascar 2 together. We both loved it!

After a while I went to get the mail and I saw that I had received one package from my sister and another one from my mother, with lots of fun stuff for my birthday. Yes, I know my birthday was a almost 2 weeks ago, but since 9/11 packages from the other side of the world take a ridiculous amount of time to get here. Gone are the days when I used to receive mail from Greece within 4 days.

I spent the rest of the day with the kids, watching movies and having fun together by the fireplace. I'm so happy that I don't spend my days in bed anymore! I dread the time that I'll start feeling tired again. I want to make the best of it now that I can.

Poor Darian was so happy that I went to his school today! He kept hugging me and saying "thank you" that I was able to go. It was the first time I actually met his teacher this year. Pathetic! I'm usually much more involved, I volunteer and help out the kids' teachers whenever I can. This is the first time that I haven't done it and it's hard for both me and the kids. They're used to seeing me at their school, and I'm used to having a closer relationship with their teachers. I guess we all have to accept our new "normal" and live with it for as long as it's needed.

I know Brian has a hard time accepting that we're both so tired and that we can't do all the things we used to be able to do. He feels that since I can't do it, the responsibility falls on his shoulders, but of course he can't do everything! I try to remind him time and again that this is something that affects everyone in the family and we need to accept the fact that things are not going to be the same, but he still gets upset about it and then gets me all stressed out too. I've made a promise though and I try to keep it. I have to keep these things out of my mind for now. I do whatever I can with the kids and the house, but mostly I'm in survival mode. I can't worry about the mess and the things that remain undone and unfinished. I really need to keep my strength and my sanity a priority.

The kids are in bed now, Brian's still working and I can relax and check my e-mail and post my thoughts. Pretty soon I think I'll try to go to bed and get some rest.

Oh, and I did mention that I laughed myself to tears again today? I love YouTube! Search for TV bloopers and you'll see what I mean...

Gramma, I hope you had a good laugh today too! ;-)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Laughter is the Best Medicine!

I try so hard to keep a positive attitude. Yet it seems that this too has to be a challenge.

As I witness things falling apart around me, the house looking like a tornado hit it, the kids looking at me with worry in their eyes and my husband hiding his pain from me, I keep repeating the same thing in my mind over and over again: "Don't let this bring you down, don't let it bring you down."

I've made a promise to laugh myself to tears at least once a day. I started 2 days ago. I'm glad that there are so many greek people posting funny things on YouTube, because I've laughed my self silly the past couple of days. Oh, how I had missed a good greek joke! I had forgotten how much I appreciate our kind of humor. It's the best remedy for feeling down. Funny to the point where...bathroom accidents might occur!

I'll let you know how this works. Who knows? It might be true, what they say about laughter...

Friday, October 9, 2009

Sick :-P

I was so sick today! It reminded me of the times I had chemo, only this was even worse, if that could ever be possible!

I woke around 6:30 am. The phone was ringing. It was David calling me from the bus to tell me that he forgot his English homework and could I please bring it to him.
I told him I would meet him at the front desk in a few minutes. I quickly got out of my bed and got dressed and ready to go.

There was a huge line of cars at the school, parents dropping off their kids. I was able to park and go inside. I saw David arriving at the exact time as me. I handed him his homework and turned around to head back to the car.

That's when I first realized that my stomach felt funny. My back still hurt a lot, it started acting up again last night, so I decided to take some pain medicine as soon as I got home.

By that time Darian was already taking a shower and soon he was ready to go to school too. I went back to bed after he left, Natalie was still asleep on our bed and I stayed there with her for a little while longer. Soon Brian was up too. He had to hurry and head downtown for work. Natalie and I went downstairs.

We started cleaning up a little bit. We did the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, and picked up the family room. Of course I needed a break after all that. These days I can only do so much at a time.

We sat on the couch and took out N's colored pencils. We were coloring and having a good time, when I started feeling more and more sick. I felt dizzy, tired achy, and nauseated. I lied down on the couch. I was still wearing my night cap (it keeps my funny, fuzzy head warm at night.) It also comes in handy as a night mask from time to time, so I pulled it down to cover my eyes. The light really bothered me.

My stomach was upset and my back was killing me. I took another painkiller, but I could not eat anything with it, although I knew I'm not supposed to take those on an empty stomach. I just couldn't.

I must have fallen asleep there, because at some point I heard Natalie's voice saying "Mom, I have some soup for you. Don't worry; I'll take good care of you!" I opened my eyes and saw that she had brought her little dish set and she was ready to feed me! She had put some water in one of her little pink bowls, some bread on a tiny plate, she had a little cup with even more water, and a yogurt! What a sweetheart!

I lied there while she started feeding me, spilling most of the water on me and giving me hugs and kisses after each bite. I told her my stomach was upset and I couldn't eat the yogurt. She was pretty bummed, but I praised her so many times for taking such good care of me and being thoughtful that she soon forgot about the yogurt.

I must have continued slipping in and out of sleep because the next thing I remember was the front door opening and David was home from school.

I told him I felt really sick and now that he was here I was going to go to my bed and try to get some real rest. Of course a few minutes later, both of them were on my bed talking to me.

That's when I started feeling even worse. I told David I was going to be sick, and to take Natalie out. I rushed to the bathroom and vomited. I was dizzy and my sinuses hurt so bad!
I didn't know what to do. I opened one of those Thermacare heating pads that I use for my back and held it over my nose. Soon it started draining and I felt a little better.

I went back downstairs and took another little nap while David was playing video games and Natalie was watching him. Soon it was almost 5:00 pm. I had to go pick Darian from school. I gathered all the energy I could muster and drove to school. The same story as before. There was a long line of cars, and I waited patiently for my turn to get to the entrance of the building where Darian was waiting for me. I drove back home in a daze.

I went straight to my bed again. Next thing I know, Brian was home and he brought me a bowl of stew that one of the ladies from church had prepared for us. I could not taste much, but it felt good to finally have something in my stomach. He also gave me one of my anti-nausea pills. Duh, why didn't I think of that before? Anyway, I went back to sleep and I finally woke up again around 8:00 pm.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go back to sleep tonight, but I feel so tired right now, I'm sure I'll sleep like a baby. I sure hope that I'll be better tomorrow. I hate being sick, especially now that my body resistance is so low and I have no means to fight back the germs. I bet that's why I feel so bad. David had the same thing a few days ago but he wasn't that sick.

Stupid cancer... I'll just try to get some more rest now and hopefully I'll be a lot better tomorrow. Thank goodness it's Saturday!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Routine

I'm having trouble going to sleep lately. As a consequence of course, I have a hard time waking up early in the morning. When I do manage to get up, I try to help the kids to get out to school. Sometimes, when they run late, I have to drive them. I have to admit I usually do it without really "being there". It's like an out of body experience!

When I get back, I still feel tired most of the times. I retrieve to the couch and spend some more time resting there. If Natalie is already up my work is cut up for me. She's always so full of energy! She wants to play and do all kinds of things. I play tea parties with one eye open, and hear her endless stories somewhere down in my subconscious, nodding yes or no every now and then. I even read her books!

When I finally get up, I start our daily routine, which consists mainly of me picking up the mess certain males in this household leave all over the place. It irritates me to think that there are 5 people living in this house, and only one cleaning up after everybody. What's even worse is that on the days that I don't feel very well, their mess accumulates, making it a nightmare for the days that I actually have a little energy left in me and decide to get up and start cleaning. I have to spend my entire morning picking up toys, garbage, empty plates, cups and silverware, wash dishes and wipe down sticky counters and tables. Of course after doing all that, it's time for them to come back home, and lo and behold, things start getting out of place again and I just feel useless and wiped out. That's when I hate my life the most.

My best times? When I spend time with the kids doing the things they like. I search for new music and funny video clips on the PC with David, play board games and cards with Darian, and do endless crafts with Natalie, as she's always into making something new and pretty.

So I better go and start making those crafts! Today she wants to make Christmas cards. It should be fun!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Have you ever looked in the mirror and found your self to be surprised at what you see looking back at you? It happens to me all the time lately.

Ever since I've had the mastectomy I obviously look different. I've always been a busty girl, so it feels really strange to have nothing left there anymore. I refuse to wear the prosthetic forms that came with the special camisole I bought before surgery. I tried wearing them a couple of times, but I can't help feeling ridiculous! It feels so fake, and useless, not to mention that it itches like crazy!

So these days when I look at my sick reflection in the mirror, even I can't recognize me anymore! I've gain a lot of weight during chemo ( the doctor kindly explained to me that it happens frequently to pre-menopause women), I barely have any hair, my eye lashes are almost all gone and my eye brows are just starting to grow back. My eyes have sunken in their sockets and I have deep black circles under them.

The funny thing is that after almost 2 months without any chemo inside me, I actually feel a lot better. I'm stronger and I have much more energy. The surgery set me back, but only a little bit. Still, whenever I look at my sorry face in the mirror I can't help but getting startled. Is that really me? What the heck happened to me? Will I ever get back to normal? I feel OK, why don't I look like the way I feel?

I started loosing some weight, so I guess that's a start! But other than that I'm just a sad remembrance of my old self. Battered and tired, frail and deformed. For some reason though, I don't feel defeated yet, not yet. I still have some fight within me, and I won't give up. Am I perhaps delusional? After all, my cancer is very aggressive and has already done a number on me.

There are times when I talk to Brian that I feel the reality of the situation. He always grounds me. Sometimes I really wish he would lie to me, but then again I don't. This is one of the reasons I love him so deeply, no crap coming from him. Always the truth. I know what I'm up against. I can prepare for what's about to come around the corner.

I feel the need to be with my children, see them grow and be there for them. This is what keeps me going. I want to be in my children's lives for as long as they need me. So I guess I'll keep trying. As long as I can.

Monday, October 5, 2009

It's been a while since the last time I posted. I'm still alive, no worries!
I just felt the need to retrieve to my "cave" for a little, in order to have the opportunity to think about things more clearly, and consider my true feelings about this whole mess. I really didn't feel like writing. Now I guess, I'm back! LOL!

I have completely healed from surgery and I'm doing quite well. I have a surprisingly good range of motion on my right arm. I kept doing stretches and all kinds of exercises. It does come handy to be an ex-physical therapist after all! I still feel tired and need to take breaks many times a day, but I'm gaining strength every day.

My family came and left and our time together was priceless. I'm really happy we finally had some time together. My sister spoiled us with all those gourmet meals that she made for us and she was so good with the kids! My mom kept "nagging" me to eat my fruit and vegetables, and kept trying to encourage me. My brother took such good care of me that first night at the hospital and then kept me motivated to go out and take walks when I got back home. I sure felt that I was the "baby" of the family once more and it was actually kinda fun! I really love them all!

There are so many people that have touched my heart with their kind thoughts and prayers, and offered their help during this difficult time for all of us. Brian's mom has come to help us out multiple times, and it's always so good for me when she's here. She has a unique way of keeping me motivated without being "on my case". I just feel better when she's around!

Gramma came to see us after her reunion in Indiana. We were so happy to see her. I really felt the warmth of her prayers so close to me! I only wish we had more time together.

Many friends from church, both from here and Arizona, have reached out to do whatever they can for us. Some by visiting or preparing meals for us every other day, others by sending cards and flowers to encourage me.

I'm so humbled from all this outpouring of love and support from everybody. I'm so grateful! I don't think I can find the right words to thank them all.

I went to the radiologist for the first time on Thursday. She is really nice and she made me feel I'm in good hands. I had a second appointment for a CAT scan on Friday. The nurses and the doctor took measurements and made marks on my chest to pinpoint the spots where the radiation will be applied. They drew a big square around the right side of my chest using a Sharpie! Then they put a gazillion stickers on me to keep the marks from fading.

My next appointment is on the 19th of the month. It's a test run, in order to calibrate the machine that will zap me, without actually doing it. My first real treatment will be the day after.
The plan calls for 5 days a week for a total of 7 weeks. The doctor warned me that it will feel like a bad sunburn, sore to the touch and very red. The skin also gets thicker and tighter as more scar tissue is formed. She gave a prescription for a lotion I'm supposed to use 2-3 times a day. She also said that I will eventually start feeling tired and I'll probably need to take more naps, or go to bed really early. Oh well, anything to get rid of whatever is left in there.

I don't know if my cancer treatment in its entirety will be successful enough to get rid of the cancer that has inhabited my body. There's always the chance for a metastasis. I have no real control over it. I can only hope and pray.

I'm at peace though. I feel there's no reason for sorrow or fear. I know that everything will be OK either way. :-)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Just a quick note to say that I got back from the hospital a few hours ago. I don't have much energy, and I'm a little groggy but other than that I'm doing surprisingly well. The incisions don't hurt so bad, but my muscles on my shoulders and chest are extremely sore. I know that once the medication that goes directly into the incisions through one of the tubes will run out, the pain will get worse and I'll have to depend on my pills. I don't feel like eating, but I have to try to keep something in my stomach for when I take the pain killers.

The drains are a pain in the neck, but I'm trying to be patient. I have to carry them around wherever I go and empty them every 7-8 hours or so.

I have to go back to the clinic on Friday for another blood test. My blood count is still low.
On Monday I'll see my breast surgeon. She will remove the bandages and the drains that are ready to go.

I'm very tired now, so I think that I shoud take a nap. I'm so grateful that everything went well with the surgery. I trully felt many prayers coming my way. Things went so well, I know I had someone to look after me. Many thanks to everyone out there for their kind thoughts and prayers.

I'll get the pathology report on Monday, so I'll have more to say then. Cheers.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

I'm having the surgery early tomorrow morning. My mom, sister and brother are all here by now and they've been taking such good care of me that I feel completely spoiled!

My sister prepares those gourmet meals everyday, and both her and my mom make sure I take my medicine and my vitamins, they cut fruit and make all kinds of healthy snacks for me. My mom keeps the house clean while Mikie and Antonis play with the kids endless hours. Everybody is well taken care of. It's amazing! Lets just say that when they leave it will be super hard to go back to the way things were before they were here.

I feel a little nervous about tomorrow, but I know that there are many people praying for me so that gives me courage. I have no idea when the next time I'll be able to post, but hopefully sometime later this week I'll have an update.

For the time being I'll just have to fight my nerves and try to keep calm. Until tomorrow...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Days go by slowly. I still feel weak from the last chemo, but I'm getting better. My mom and sister are going to arrive to Chicago today. They will stay at my mom's cousin for a couple of days and then head down to Ohio. I'm very excited to see them! I'm worried about having the house clean, but I can't do much. It will have to do.

Tomorrow I have another appointment at the oncologist's office for a last blood test before the surgery. I have a pre-admition test (EKG, physical etc.) at the hospital on Monday. I also have an appointment with the anaesthesiologist for a consultation. After that the clock will start ticking. I have to stop taking Coumadin on the 19th and replace it with some other medicine that I'm supposed to inject to myself. I'm hoping my mom can do it. She's an expert at giving shots. I actually learned from her, long before I went to college.

I need to be at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning on Monday the 24th. The surgery is scheduled for 7:00 am. I'm still nervous, but I'm coping. Everyday I think about it, but as time goes by it gets to be less and less disturbing. I guess I'm getting used to the idea.

I know there's more to a person that a good body or a cute face, and people who fail to see this are living a dream, and it's not a good one either. They are up for a rude awakening as time goes by and their physical appearance changes, which is inevitable of course. I know I will still be me even with a changed body, only I will have learned a few things on the way. I can see it now.

Well I guess that's all for now. I have a few errands I need to run today. I'm hoping I can do a few things before I get really tired again.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The day has been quiet so far. We had a small celebration for Brian's birthday, he didn't want to make a big deal out of it this year. He liked his present so that's nice.

I'm in my room getting some rest now. I told the kids to come to me if they need anything and to pretend that dad is not here. He's in his office working.

Sally left last night with William. Her flight was leaving early this morning from Dayton, so William took her to the airport. She worked so hard when she was here! I'm so grateful, but I also feel bad I was not able to help.

I don't have much else to say. I'm much calmer now. I'm sure that I'll start getting more nervous again as the days go by and the day of the surgery is getting closer. For the time being I try to take it easy, one day at a time.

I have a list of things that I need to have ready for the surgery. I found it on a message board and it seems very helpful. I need to find the strength to go out and get some of the stuff that I don't already have. I ordered a special camisole that comes with pockets for the drains. Everybody on the MB said that it's a must have. I also need to buy some big button down shirts. Apparently you're kind of swollen the first few days so your own clothes don't fit, plus you can't raise your arms so the only thing you can wear for a while are those shirts. I also need one of those round cushions that go around your neck when you travel. The ladies on the board say it's impossible to sleep in your bed, you have to sleep on a recliner and this really helps. I need a pillow that I will need to hold under my arm so that my skin there doesn't get irritated from rubbing against the skin of my torso. They say the incision doesn't hurt so bad, it's the drains that hurt.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a good day and I'll be able to go get some of the stuff. Or maybe I'll wait until my mom and sister will be here in a few days and they can help me.
I still can't get used to the idea. It's been 6 years since I have seen anyone from my family. They haven't even seen Natalie yet. It feels unreal.

I better get some rest now before the kids come knocking on my door asking for things.
My bones hurt again today. What's new...

Friday, August 7, 2009

I made the call. I've been thinking about it for days, but I reached the decision and I immediately knew that this is one call that I have to make myself. I picked up the receiver and dialed the number of the breast surgeon. As if I was being mocked, or rather tortured, I got their answering machine 3-4 times in a row saying they're busy helping other patients. Each time I had to muster the courage to dial the stupid number again. When I finally got them on the phone I took a big breath and told them my decision. I want a bilateral mastectomy. Now they officially have me down for the surgery on the 24th of August.

I feel quite calmer now that this part is out of the way. I know I made the right choice. At least I don't have to worry about making up my mind, which is what has been driving me crazy the last few days. I'm still a little worried though. It's not so easy. I still have this picture in my mind, my chest empty, with two bloody scars on it. I don't understand how some women can be so strong about it. I guess I'm a wimp. It will take me a while to accept this new reality, the new me. Sometimes I just can't swallow my fear, it's too much.

I've been feeling very lonely lately. No wonder. Brian is very busy with work, he works non stop until very late so we really have no time to talk or see each other at all. We had a short conversation a couple of days ago. He told me he's overwhelmed and tired. The stress from work is starting to get to him. I understand but it's hard.

Still, I know what I have to do and I won't let cancer, or anything else that is under my control for that matter, take me away from my children and the things I still have to offer them. If I keep this in mind I know that it can quiet all my fears and worries. I have to do it for them and pray that in the meantime it won't jump up and show its ugly face somewhere else.

We'll see...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The kids are back home and the house is full of fun, laughter, noise, whining, and arguing again. It's like they were never gone! Brian and I are glad to have everybody back. We can't get enough of them.

Natalie loved her new room. It looks awesome! Darian has grown even taller than the last time I saw him, David is back to teasing the two little ones, and it's nice to have Sally here with us again.

Today has been quiet. Sally of course is full of energy and as I'm typing these lines she's outside with the kids pulling weeds. I wish I could join them, just to have something to do other than feeling lousy in my room, but I'm not supposed to be touching dirt, or be in the sun.

My breast surgeon called not too long ago. She wanted to let me know that she had a chance to look at the MRI and both the oncologist and her agree that the right breast needs to be removed. She also added that I'll have to stop taking the blood thinner 5 days before surgery and have an injection of some other kind of medicine instead. I'll have to stop the day of the surgery and then start again shortly after.

The one issue still pending is whether I'll have a bilateral now or later. I've spent endless hours thinking about it and have not been able to come to a decision. How does one decide or come to terms with something like this? I keep playing the different scenarios in my head and all them stink because the outcome remains the same.

I know that what makes sense is to have a bilateral now. It minimizes the risk of having to deal with this again, at least on that spot. My priority should be to beat the cancer out of me, not how I will look, or feel about my self afterwards. It's a tough decision either way. Deep down I know what the right thing to do is, I just need to swallow it.

The doctor told me that she'll be waiting for a call from me when I make up my mind. I think I'll call her before I start doubting again. Of course I feel scared and insecure. It's only a couple of weeks away before my body changes forever. I feel the need to talk about it just so that I can hear my own voice admitting that I know what the right thing to do is, over and over again.

Well, that's that. I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription before they close.
I'll whine again some other time.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Countdown

What a day! I went to see the breast surgeon. One of the toughest days, if not THE toughest, I've had so far. Everything started out fine. She was glad to see the tumor had shrunk significantly, she wanted another MRI so I reminded her I just had one a few weeks ago (mercy, I confess!!). She said she wasn't aware so it's OK, I don't need another one (that was a close one!)

Then she spent a good 10 minutes trying to break the news to me that I need a mastectomy. I let her go on and on. I didn't want to ruin the performance. She was trying so hard to explain to me that the size of the tumor could be dealt with a lumpectomy, but the change in my skin and the fact that there's still some swelling suggests that a mastectomy would be the wisest thing to do. Lady, I'm way ahead of you!

Anyway, I told her I had already decided to have a mastectomy and I'm actually thinking of having a bilateral. She seemed relieved. We had many questions to ask about the timing and all the procedures.

So I'll have the surgery on the 21st, then continue with radiation 3 weeks later, 5 days a week for 5 weeks, then wait for about 8 months to have the reconstruction. I was a little shaken by the fact that it's going to take so long.

When I asked her about removing both breasts she said that some women prefer to have both breasts removed at the same time, others wait to remove the second one when they do the reconstruction. Then you have at least one that won't have scar tissue (apparently radiation does a number on your skin, thus making the reconstruction a real challenge, to say the least)

Everything went fine up until that point. I didn't hear anything that I didn't already know, except the date of the surgery and the duration of the radiation.

Then I asked how many days I would be in hospital, expecting to hear at least 2-3 days. "It's an overnight procedure" she said. I couldn't believe my ears! I have heard women complaining and even protesting and collecting signatures about what they call "drive thru mastectomies" , but by reading the blogs most women report that they had at least 2 days.

I can't believe that they hack you and then send you packing the next day. Of course you have to go back to the hospital countless times withing the next 10 days for them to check things, remove drains, and tubes they leave hanging out of the incision! I was flabbergasted! That's just my luck. Everything has to be hard till the very end. I can't catch a break.

We asked a few more questions and then said our thank yous and goodbyes and headed to our car. I felt broken. I couldn't hold my tears back. All my fears were released and I fell into a downward spiral until hours later I hit rock bottom. I'm still trying to recover.

I'm not sure what hit me so hard. The fact that I actually have a date for my mastectomy? Perhaps that I have about a week to think and decide if I want it bilaterally now and suffer the consequences or later and prolong an already painful and uncomfortable situation? That I feel like cattle being pushed and poked through a grinder? That I'll never be the same again? Where do I begin?

The truth is I was not prepared for this mini break down. I think others might say it's expected, but it caught me completely off guard. I think it was just a release after all those days of stressing about the appointment, who knows. If I were a drinking person I would have liked to get hammered right about then. I wanted to be numbed and shut down. I couldn't stand thinking about things anymore, and I couldn't stand feeling the pain. So what could I have done?

I bet most of you know the answer already, and I know it too. Well, what can I say? I felt that I couldn't pray right then. I didn't have the peace of mind to put 2 thoughts together, let alone articulate how messed up I felt. My only hope was that He already knew and that He'd take care of me regardless. But considering the amount of distress I felt I guess that's not how it works.

Finally I was able to calm down enough to only think about Him and that was all that was needed. I know that everything happens for a reason, I don't know what I have to learn from all those hardships yet, but I know that I'll be prepared when I'm called to use what I have learned from all this. I get the feeling that I have to learn to be tough because we shall all have more tough times ahead of us.

It's a long and unpleasant process. Sometimes I wish I could deactivate, just like those robots in science fiction movies, but I have to make do with what I've been given, and unfortunately I was not designed with an off switch. Which means I have to tough it out and learn whatever I can while doing it. So that's what I'm prepared to do.

This thing will not wipe me out. I think I now understand that the battle is not necessarily about beating cancer, but surviving and prevailing from our own fears.

There I go being all cerebral and such. I better take my pills and call it a night. A long night.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The appointment with the breast surgeon is tomorrow. I've been thinking about it all day.
I searched on Google images for mastectomy. I felt my heart sinking lower and lower. Cuts, scars, and bruises, but no faces. I wonder how those women's faces would look. Sad? Scared? Or maybe happy to be still alive, I don't know.

Ugh! Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and wish this thing away. Yeah, I know. No luck there.

I try to imagine my body different. I think my old clothes might fit again if I lose some "volume" up front. I can't help but feeling that it's unfair, not right, and I want to scream "Why me? Why any of us? Why isn't there a cure yet?" but a lot of good that would do.

I feel so alone. Today I went out for a few minutes and I saw a lady in her car wearing a scarf on her head to hide her bald head. My heart skipped a beat. I was wearing my wig at the moment and I felt like yelling out "I have it too" and taking my wig off. Of course I didn't. I just looked at her knowingly as she drove away to face her own fears and nightmares and I was left with mine.

At the end of the day we fight our fights alone and although I have experienced so much kindness, love and care from countless people since this has happened, I still feel like I'm alone in this. I do find comfort in prayer, especially when I pray for everyday things and my family. If I can still pray for normal things, like I used to, it somehow means that I can go on with my normal life, I can hang on and not worry about beating any big fights for my life and staying alive. I'm kidding myself, of course. I know that it all comes down to this.

I'm worried about this surgery. My heart seems to be beating so fast since I started chemo. I get so tired and as my defences have gone down gradually I feel weaker and weaker. Will my heart make it through the surgery? I guess we'll find out.

Today more than any other time I feel that it really stinks to not have loads of money. Brian always tells me how his Grandpa says that money isn't everything, but it sure beats whatever is in second place! LOL!! Wise Grandpa! :-)

As the medical bills have started pilling up and Brian has less billable hours because he has to stay home and take care of me we have started to see things getting tighter and tighter. I don't know what else to do. It's unfair to fight for your life and worry about paying all those bills at the same time. Will there ever be a day where money will not be an issue? I might not even be alive to see it. At least when Brian worked for P&G he had a life insurance for me too.

As these dark thoughts keep pouring out of me, I feel that my only happy thought for the day is that my kids will be coming back on Tuesday. I've missed them so much. But then the devil whispers in the back of my mind, "you can't even take care of them" and my happy feelings disappear.

It's true. I'll be overwhelmed. Sick and overwhelmed while they struggle day after day to get my attention and spend the time they used to when I felt better. Coming on my bed and spending hours at my feet while I feel too sick to get up and get food for them. Of course someone else will be here to take of their needs, but it's not going to be me. I know how much they want this back and it kills me to admit that I can't do it anymore.

Another day gone. My heart is heavy but I feel OK physically. Emotionally not so well. Can you tell?

Friday, July 31, 2009

I had a fine day yesterday, considering that the previous day was one of my worst days so far.
I took all my medication, I've really lost count to what I take anymore, and went downstairs to help with the housework. David was already at the basement cleaning. He has asked to clean the basement and the garage all by himself so that he can earn money. He's worked really hard the past few days. I'm very proud of him.

Alex from across the street came by and the boys played for a while. I went to check on them and we started talking about them liking girls etc. Surprisingly they had all kind of questions for me and they seemed to appreciate the advice. I had to try hard not to laugh with some of the things they asked, but I'm glad that my son trusts me enough to reach out and talk to me about what's on his mind. We spent the rest of the day together, hanging out, watching TV, looking up things on the Internet and reviewing the movies he makes with his friends. The last one, a spoof on all those ghost shows that are popular on TV lately was hilarious.

Today I woke up early and I had enough energy to start painting Natalie's room with Brian. I took all the stuff out of the room, covered the bed so that it wouldn't get dirty, wiped the walls clean, did all the spackling and painted one of the walls. Of course after all this I got pretty tired and had to stop in order to rest, but thankfully William came and took over so now we have only 1 wall left to be done with the room. I have many new cute things to put in the room, so I'm excited to have it done before the kids come back on Tuesday. I can't wait to see Natalie's face when she sees it. She'll be so excited!

The rest of the day went by calmly. My right arm is really killing me. The big bruises are fading, but the spot where I got the lost chemo is red, inflamed and incredibly sore. Brian put some cortisone on it and then we bandaged it very lightly. It feels a little better now.

I took my strong pain pills not too long ago, since the spine throbbing pain is back again, so I've just started getting a bit dizzy. I'll try to go to bed. I want to wake up early tomorrow so I can hopefully go to church.

On Monday I have an appointment with my breast surgeon. I'm hoping I'll find out the date of the surgery. I'm anxious to move on to the next step. But then again I'm scared. I try not to worry about it too much, but I can't help it. It haunts my thoughts. Every morning I wake up thinking about it. I wish I could fast forward to the end of all this, but I know I need to hang on.

I'm praying it will be a better day tomorrow, with less pain and less things to worry about.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Hope

I had my last round of chemo about a week ago. I still feel lousy. There are a few things though that brighten my load. Everytime I think about a symptom I experience I know that it might be the last time I feel knowing that it's related to the poison that runs through my veins.
My mouth hurts, it will be the last time, my hips ache, it's the last time, everything that has been holding me down these past 5 months of treatment, will slowly fade away, and hopefully never come back.

I'm having a rough day today, so I can't really write much, but I feel a glimpse of hope as I count the days and I realize that as they go by I can look forward and not anticipate to feel like this or worse in a few weeks again. It can only get better, right? I can only pray to keep this hope.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Round Six-How to be a pin cushion




That's it then. My last chemo treatment was yesterday. Not the most pleasant experience, I have to say. I guess they saved the worst for last.

I had an appointment early in the morning. My doctor was on vacation (again) and I saw one of his nurses. Everything seemed to be OK.

I went on the 3rd floor and got situated in one of the private rooms. A few minutes later my nurse came in ready to hook me up on the IV. I asked not to have the IV on my hand, since I still have a scar there from last time, so she would try to find a spot on my forearm. Here comes the trouble.

She started poking me with the needle, but as soon as she tried to thread the catheter, my vein would make a little blister that looked ready to pop and literary push the catheter out.
She tried a new spot, the same thing happened. She told me that she would have another nurse try.

A new nurse came, tried to put the IV in, same thing. She tried again at a different spot, nope. By that time they decided that I must be slightly dehydrated and that's why my veins were reacting that way. I started drinking water while the nurses decided to call their manager.

A young girl came in. She decided to switch arms and try my right one. She pushed the needle in and tried to place the catheter, but right there in front of our eyes the catheter was pushed back out. She tried again, on my wrist this time. Same thing. She stopped and looked at me "We will have to call somebody else" she said with defeat in her voice. Another nurse came in. She looked at my arms that had already started to bruise. "I'm so sorry! Your arms look like pin cusions!"
"Don't worry about it" I said, "let's try to get this IV in." She opened a new needle, this was the seventh one, and tried. This time it really hurt. She tried to push back when the catheter was being pushed out, and she was finally able to do it. She taped it in place and they started the saline drip right away.

I had to wait for another 2:30 hours until all four bags of medicine were out. I usually read while waiting, but this time I just slept. I was so exhausted!

When it was all done we drove home, and by that time both my arms looked purple blue. But somehow I didn't really care. It was over! This was my last treatment. I have to go back in three weeks so they can check my blood count. I already have an appointment with my breast surgeon scheduled on the 3rd. I guess I'll find more about the surgery then.

I had the Neulasta shot this morning and I've been in bed since I got home. I took a nap and watched TV. It's after 9:00 and the day is gone. Another useless day gone by. I know I have to rest, and I don't really have the energy to do anything else, but at the same time I hate wasting an entire day like this.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind. On the one hand and I'm so grateful I have people to listen to me and help me through this difficult time, on the other, I know that when it comes down to it, I'm on my own on this one.

I pray and take it one day at a time. Day after day.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Another long day. I woke up this morning and Brian had already gone to work. I didn't even hear him wake up! I went downstairs and cleaned the kitchen. After I was done I really had nothing more to do. I sat there on the couch doing nothing at all.

I could sense the danger. If I were left to my own devices I would probably start going down really fast again. So, I decided to make some more bracelets before Joleene and Debbie came, just to keep my mind occupied with something less troubling and time went by relatively fast.

They came to see me sometime in the afternoon and it was nice to spend some time with them. It feels good to be able to talk to friends freely about what's going on. I like to see them treat me the same way they used to. They don't look at me as a sick person, at least that's what I hope.

Yesterday we went to church. At the end of the sacrament meeting the bishop came to greet us. I asked him if he had a minute for us to talk to him some day and he replied that he would be glad to talk to us right then. We went to his office and talked for about 20 minutes. There were a couple of times that I found it hard to keep it together. His eyes looked so worried and I was very emotional, but I didn't cry. I never do. After we talked to him I felt relieved. It was the right thing to do and I regret not doing it sooner.

By the time we left church we had talked to 3-4 people about it. It was interesting to see people's reaction. From total disbelief to utter sadness, or plain curiosity. I assume that by the end of the week a lot more people will know. That's how it usually goes.

I felt exhausted when I came home, mostly emotionally. I had never talked to so many people about my cancer before. I felt overwhelmed. I went to bed and took a nap. When I woke up I still felt tired and a little sad. So many things ran through my mind.

I try to escape, but I'm my worst enemy. I get pulled back by my own fears and worries. It's hard to see the bright side of things, especially when there's really none. I have so many hard decisions to make, none of them will get me out of this. I just have to accept things and move on, but it's sometimes hard to have hope and without hope there's really nothing.

I'll keep trying.

I've had a poem stuck on my mind all day. One of my favorites by K.P.Kavafis. Here's a translation.

CANDLES

The days to come are standing right before us,
like a row of little lighted candles -
gold, warm and lively little candles.

The bygone days are left behind,
a dismal row of burned-out candles;
those that are nearest smoking still,
cold candles, melted and bent.

I don't want to look at them; their sight saddens me,
and it saddens me to recall their former glow.
I look ahead at my still lighted candles.

I don't want to turn around, lest I see and shudder
how fast the darksome line grows longer,
how fast the burned-out candles multiply.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

I met with Dr. Baar yesterday and he was great! He's very nice and he gave me lots of hope. He told me that it seems like I respond very well to the treatment, he reassured me that I've been doing everything right so far, and that what comes next is up to me.

After he examined me he told me that the tumor has shrunk so much that I could just have a lumpectomy and not a mastectomy, if I choose to. I told him I don't ever want to have to deal with this again, so he agreed with me that the safest way to do this is to have a mastectomy.

He already has 17 women participating in his research, ( I couldn't start now since I have to be done with all my treatment first to qualify) but now he's starting a group of another 20 in January that will be his second group. He told me I'm a good candidate for that, and that in a way it will be better because he will already have some first results from the fist group and he'll know what to avoid, or change.

I had a great experience there. Everyone was so nice and efficient and the enviroment was so relaxing. I felt I was in good hands the entire time. I'm so glad I went and I had the opportunity to see how really good doctors who care can make a difference to their patients. You don't see that every day.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

On the way to Cleveland. Listening to Brian’s melancholic music, a deeper look into what really touches his heart. I find myself drifting into unpleasant thoughts. Ever since I got the big envelope with all my x-rays, CAT scans and MRIs I feel like someone tied a huge boulder around my neck and then pushed me overboard. I’m looking at it and think that my death sentence is sealed inside it.

I looked at the scans and I could see the tumor clearly. I could see my body in slices, every little detail there for strangers to see. I feel violated. People I don’t even know scrutinizing my insides, my entire body on a tray in slices, offered to professionals in hopes they will find things that are wrong, organs that are malfunctioning. No sense of privacy, everything out in the open…

I think we only have an hour left. I’m tired and my back is starting to hurt. I love Brian’s music.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Unfortunately I haven't been feeling very well lately. The chemo has taken its toll and I have much more nausea this time. The pain in my bones is unbearable and I just hate that throbbing pain in my spine. My blood count is really low, it gets lower after every treatment, and I feel exhausted all the time. Even getting up and down the stairs is a big task for me these days.

The bright side of course is that I only have one more treatment left. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to make it! Brian asked me this morning "I wonder what's so special about having 6 treatments? Why not stop at 5 or go up to 7?" I told him "I think it's because you die at 7", and I really mean it! I don't think my body can take much more of this poison anymore.

I’m leaving for Cleveland on Thursday to see Dr. Baar for a second opinion. I really hope something good comes out of this.

Click here to find out more: Dr. Baar on abc

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I came back from Arizona on Monday night. The flight was OK, not as bad as the one going there a few weeks back, when I felt pretty lousy right after my chemo.

I was hoping to go to sleep early, but that didn’t happen, of course. I woke up early the next morning in order to go the hospital for my new MRI. I decided not to take a sedative, so I was a little nervous that I would have a panic attack or something. It turns out I did just fine. It helps when they tell you how much time each scan takes. I was counting seconds in my head so it wasn’t that bad. This time my back didn’t hurt when I got up and there were only women around so I felt more comfortable being exposed.

I came home and tried to rest. It was disturbingly quiet. I miss the kids. The day went by as expected. I felt tired and I tried to get some rest until it was actually time to go to bed and I couldn’t.

I woke up early again the next morning. This time I had to go to the clinic for my chemo.
It was busy and my regular doctor was not there. I showed the nurse the bruise that I got after my last treatment. It extended all the way up to my elbow, following the path of my vein and there’s a specific point somewhere in the middle of my forearm where it looks and feels more like a burn, probably from the chemicals that went in. The nurse took a picture of it, but nobody told me anything about what I’m supposed to do to get rid of it.

Today I went to the clinic again for my Neulasta shot. My blood count was pretty low, even lower that last time. I can’t wait when all this is over. I’m going to see a new doctor in Cleveland on the 10th, the one who’s doing the clinical trials for a new vaccine for triple negative breast cancer patients. I will get a second opinion and see if I qualify for the research he’s working on.

After that, I’ll have my last treatment on the 24th and a few weeks after that I should be ready for the surgery. I’m worried and scared. I have a long recovery ahead of me, and I’m worried I might not have the help I need to go through this. Am I doing the right thing? After all I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life, however long that is.

I’m tired and I feel sick. I want to try and take a nap but I think our neighbors are having a party and there’s loud music coming into my bedroom. It’s frustrating. I’ll put some earplugs in my ears and I'll try to get some sleep.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Today I slept in a little bit. I think I needed to catch up on my sleep after all those sleepless nights. When I woke up Sally had already gone to run some errands.
I made some breakfast for the kids and then sent them to clean up their bedrooms.
I picked up my bedroom too and then remembered that Brian will be here tomorrow.
I’ve missed him a lot, but I can’t help feeling strange. I wish he could come home to a pretty and healthy wife and not a sick, bald wreck. I wish I could do more than just feel ill and run to doctors. I wish…

It’s hard to imagine how I will be after all this is behind me. I’ve lived with this long enough to not even remember how it feels to be well. One of the times I was explaining to my doctor that I feel run down, sad and tired in the evenings and I added that I thought it was normal since it’s the end of the day, he cut me off and said “No, it’s not normal. You have allowed yourself to live this way for so long that you have forgotten how it feels to be normal.” So I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

The past few days I have started to realize that I’m really close to being done with chemo and I have to start preparing for the next step. Surgery. I have so many things worrying me. I am totally unprepared for this. It’s overwhelming to think that my body will be changed for ever. Will it hurt? Will I have nasty scars? Will it be obvious? And after all this is done, will I have to go through it all over again only in a different spot?

I’ve told Brian that if it metastasizes I don’t think I want to keep chasing my cancer around. At some point one has to make the right decision and think about quality of life first. I don’t want to feel sick the entire time. Not to mention the burden of the medical bills! Yesterday Brian told me that the Neulasta shot cost $5,000 and the Taxtotere IV another $5,000!! Of course the insurance covers most of it and we end up paying only a small fraction of it, but those little fractions plus all the medication is starting to add up. Things are starting to get tight. I wonder what happens to people without health insurance. How do they make it?

Well, I better run. Natalie has been serving “tea” to me the entire time and I have to check where she’s got all that water and where is the mess that I’ll have to clean up.

:-)

Saturday, June 20, 2009

6 Ways to help someone with cancer

I found this on parade.com and I found myself agreeing with most of these.

1.Acknowledge Our Situation

When you know that we have cancer and you don’t say anything about it, we feel even more isolated and alone. Some people—even family members—are uncomfortable saying anything. They fear that raising the topic is too personal or will make us cry. Believe me, much more harm is done by keeping silent. Just say, “I hear you have had some bad news. I am so sorry. I hope things go well for you.” It will mean a lot.

2.Offer Help Only If You Can Deliver

When others first hear we have cancer, many say, “I’ll do anything I can to help.” That’s a kind response, because we often really do need help. But we may find it difficult to ask. We may be too distressed to know what we need. Others need less help at the beginning and more as treatment progresses. If you offer aid, be specific: “Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday,” or, “Can I drive you to your chemotherapy appointments?” Only make a commitment if you can deliver. We are depending on you. And remember: Sometimes simply chatting over a cup of tea or quietly holding our hand is what we need.

3. Guard Our Privacy

Being treated for cancer means that any sense of physical privacy we had has evaporated as we parade around in backless hospital gowns, poked and prodded from all sides. Help us to regain some small shred of privacy and control by not talking about how we are doing with others—even family members—without our permission. Ask us what information we would like you to share and with whom. If we are too ill or too young or too confused to tell you, let your past experience with us and your good judgment guide your discretion.

4. Listen To Us

America is a relentlessly upbeat society: “Keep a positive attitude! Don’t give up hope!” But many people with cancer swing between hope and fear, optimism and despair. A hospital chaplain told me about meeting a couple on their way to a chemotherapy appointment for the wife’s breast cancer. The chaplain asked how they were doing, and the husband volunteered, “She’s doing great! She is going to be fine!” His wife turned to him and said, “You know, you always say that, and then at night you go to sleep, and I lie there, and I’m so frightened and sad—and I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it.”


5. Remember That Hope Is A Gift

We don’t always feel it. When you insist that we be hopeful and positive, we feel we have failed when we aren’t. Don’t cut off the possibility that we will share our burden with you and the opportunity to support us through hard times.

6. Ensure Our Dignity

Dignity is the public recognition of our self-worth. Cancer and its treatment often make us feel like we have been reduced to just a diseased body, with little to offer to those we love. Remind us that we are beloved mothers and sons and sisters and grandfathers; that we are valued work colleagues and neighbors. Reassure us that we bring to this challenge the wisdom that comes from overcoming difficulties great and small.

Your Help Helps To Heal

Some say that having cancer is like climbing a steep mountain. No matter how much you love a person with cancer, you can’t climb the mountain for us, though you would like to. But you can make sure that we have nutritious food. You can help us find path markers and steady us when we stumble. And when our spirits sag, your patience, love, and respect can encourage us to take the next step—and then the next one.

Friday, June 19, 2009

I’m happy to report that I am really enjoying my time here in Arizona. Last night the kids wanted to pitch tents in the back yard and sleep outside. At first I was a little apprehended. I have learned the hard way that there are plenty of things crawling on the ground around here that you wouldn’t necessarily want them to be your sleep buddies.
The kids really wanted to do it and were very excited about it, so I said yes miserably, thinking about the coyotes that will probably come to visit us at night.

It took us a while to get everything ready but then finally we settled down around 9:30.
I shared a tent with Natalie. She was so excited she could barely keep herself together! Of course she talked non stop! I finally told her that if she’s not quiet and go to sleep, I’ll have to put her back in her bed, so she finally calmed down and fell asleep along with her brothers. The boys must have been pretty tired after hauling all those things and trying to put everything together, because they fell asleep almost right away.

I was the only one that couldn’t get to sleep. I could hear a frog croaking sadly, and crickets scratching their legs together uncontrollably. It didn’t bother me. It was calming and relaxing. I looked at the sky and I was surprised to see so many stars. Last time I had seen a night sky like this was in Greece.

I tried to get comfortable, but my hips and back started to hurt and soon I felt my right leg go numb. Bad news… I got up and tried to stretch a bit, but my leg still felt stiff and my back started hurting even more. I soon realized that I was not going to be able to spend the night out there. The kids were already asleep, and by that time I felt pretty comfortable that we would all be safe from the creepy crawlers, the coyotes and the bob cats that like to lurk around here. There was nothing in sight and the back yard is now fenced, not like it used to be.

I decided to wake up Darian and have him sleep with Natalie. It took me a while to wake him up, but finally I was able to move him to the other tent. He was half unconscious, so I thought it would be pretty funny in the morning, when he would wake up and wonder how the heck he got there!

I gathered my stuff and headed to my bedroom. I took a pain killer and tried to go to sleep. I couldn’t. I laid there in pain for hours, not being able to sleep. Finally I felt my eyes getting heavy around 5:00 am.

I slept until 7:30, when Natalie came to my bed wondering why I left. I explained to her and she was OK. She thought it was funny to wake up and find Darian there instead.
I went back in the tent again. Darian was up too, so we were all having a good time joking and laughing. Soon we had to get up and start putting things away. It was cloudy and it looked like it would rain, so the boys and I decided we better hurry.

We had a busy morning trying to put everything back in its place and a few hours later the rain began. I had forgotten how funny it smells when it rains here. It’s like smelling wet dust! Who knows when was the last time this place has seen rain!

It’s still raining now. I came to my room for a little rest after I made lunch for the kids. I feel tired and nauseated. My bones still hurt. I officially declare that I feel like crap right now, so I think the wisest thing to do is to try to take a nap.

I’ll try and do that and hopefully I’ll feel better when I wake up.

Adios.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

It’s almost 5:00 am. I’ve been up for about an hour. My stomach hurts and I keep sneezing. My back hurts a little and my feet feel heavy. I don’t think I’ll be able to do much today. I’ll try to get some rest and stay out of everybody’s way.

I finished the sampler yesterday. It looks great! I think I’ll try to work on something else today. It’s a good thing I brought a couple of my unfinished projects with me. Who could have guessed that I would be so productive!

I like it here. It’s peaceful. I can relax and pretend that I don’t have any worries. I’m glad to be away from daily hectic schedules. I can’t help thinking that more than once this stress has caused plenty of momentary lapses of reason and eventually has lead to frenzy panic attacks which are not necessarily always mine. Tough stuff…

I’m just happy that here I can chill and read my book serenely, even if I do get interrupted by the kids every now and then. I choose to put my book down and tend to their needs. I enjoy it.

I think I have somehow managed to associate home with burdens and worries. Being here, although my days are pretty much the same, my load seems a lot lighter, easier.
Of course a big part of it is due to the fact that I share my responsibilities with Sally. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, I do it here too, but it really helps knowing that there’s more than one person worrying about the exact same things I do. It gives me peace of mind.

I don’t know what the plans of the day are. I’m hoping to rest a little more today. I’m worried that I might be coming down with something. That would really put a damper on my zen-like state of mind, don’t you think!

I’ll go back to reading my book hoping that this will be another uneventful day.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Unfinished Business

Like clockwork, I go to bed at 9:00 pm, which is 12:00 am in Ohio, wake up at 3:00 am, so 6:00 am my time, then read for a few hours until I get tired and sleep again a couple more.

If I have learned anything all these years that I have been struggling with sleep, it's not to fret about it anymore. I get as much sleep as I can, whenever I can get it and since I started following this rule I have been just fine. I used to be so worried about getting enough sleep and being able to wake up, that the anxiety alone prevented me to relax and close my eyes. I know better now. I sleep when I can, I wake up when I have to, I do whatever is needed to be done and I take naps if I get tired. Perfect!

It’s almost 4:00 am now, I already read my book for about an hour, and I don’t feel like going back to sleep. I don’t know if we have any plans for today, but I was thinking I would like to finish one of my cross stitch projects that I have been working on for ages.
It’s a wedding anniversary sampler that, I kid you not, I think it must be cursed! How else can anyone explain that every single time I start working on it, something happens and I get in a fight with Brian. I think the safest bet is to finish it while we’re apart, and then burn it in order to cleanse the bad spirits or something! Ha! I’ll try to post a picture before I decide what I’m going to do with it.

I have so many unfinished projects and so little time, not to mention energy, to do anything about them. I do like collecting them though. I have so many patterns it would probably take me 3 lifetimes to finish them all, and you know what, that’s just fine by me. I like collecting them and looking at them, sorting them and making CD ROMs where everything is categorized and indexed. Sometimes I think about how nice they would look if I ever finished any of them, but I know that I’ll never find the time. So what’s the harm in that? None, I dare say.

I don’t feel inadequate for not doing it, at least not anymore! I decided long ago I should call myself a collector, and be proud of it too! Like I need more things in my life to feel bad about... I won’t turn my hobbies into nightmares, no sir! LOL!! Every now and then I’ll take some of my unfinished projects out, air them, maybe even add a stitch or two and then nicely fold them and put them back to where they came from.

So this is how life goes on these days. I feel no pressure and I try to live and taste the small moments. There’s always something to learn behind every corner, something to collect, and I want to make good use of my time, without really caring about how much of it I have left.

Works for me!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Greeting from the Sonoran Desert!

I’ve been here in Tucson for 3 days now and I have to say I rather like it. The weather is not too hot, in fact I was able to go in the back yard and read my book both last evening and this morning without combusting! LOL!

Sally and Patrick always make me feel comfortable and welcome when I’m here so my stay so far has been perfect. I get to rest when I need to rest, but also do things they need me to do, just enough so that I feel I do my small share and I not feel totally useless.

Brian and I both were happy to see the kids when we got here on Saturday night. David had just gotten back from his scout camp and I can’t believe how he has grown even in these past few days since we've last seen him!

All three kids have made new friends here, which is of course great! They have play dates almost every day, and Sally is always on the go with them. I feel bad I can’t be the one doing it, but I’m grateful she has the energy and the will to do it for me.

I love how David now likes to come to me and hug me just out of the blue. I really enjoy this little affection he’s willing to share with me. The only reason I make a point to mention it of course is because the other 2 are usually all over me, with their hugs and kisses. David has always been more reserved, even as a baby, so it really makes my heart flutter when he does it!


We went to church on Sunday. David, Brian and I were all talking about how it feels more like home here. Brian was amazed to see his children play and socialize with the kids of people who used to be his best friends growing up. I think that all this should be food for thought for upcoming decisions in the near future, concerning where we should move next.
I always thought that one of the things we lack the most when we move to a new place is having family around us. I’m so glad to have William so close to us now in Ohio, but I can’t help thinking that we’re going to lose him sooner or later.

Well, other than that I feel OK. I do have the pain in my bones again, but I decided to only take Advil this time. It helps control the pain and I can still have my wits about me.
I get to rest as much as needed. I do have a little bit of a jet lag since Ohio is 3 hours ahead, but I know I’ll be fine within the next couple of days.

It’s a little strange not to have Brian around, fussing over me, but I’m learning that I can take care of myself just fine. Of course it’s nice to have someone to remind me to take all the different kinds of medication that I have on schedule now. Sometimes I think I’ve gone senile and can’t remember anything, so that’s where Brian comes in to remind me things. I think I’m doing a good job so far.

It’s almost time for dinner, so I better go and see how I can help. I’ll try to post more often, but there’s really not much going on. I miss Brian a lot and can’t wait to see him again in 10 days.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Round Four

My chemo went as expected today. The vain in my left hand has completely collapsed and is not even visible anymore, so I asked the nurse to switch and put the IV in my right hand this time. She suggested we try the forearm. I agreed and it worked fine. The pain was less when the IV was in, but unfortunately it hurt more when she took it out and now I have a nice bruise to go with it.

During the visit with the oncologist I expressed my concerns about some changes I have noticed on my right breast. It seems to be red right where the tumor is and the skin texture is different. I was worried it might be signs of inflammatory breast cancer, which is just as bad, if not worse, than triple negative, but after he took a look at it he explained that IBC makes the skin really red, and it looks more like you put a hot iron on your skin and it’s followed by pain which I don’t have, but just to make sure he’ll have me do another MRI.

After my first MRI I have to say that I’m not that thrilled with the idea of having this procedure again, but I’m glad he listened to my concerns and he is willing to look further into it. I want to find out if there’s anything else wrong.

Other than that, I had the chance to rest all afternoon, but right now I feel a little sick to my stomach. Nothing that the medication can’t keep under control, at least I hope so. Of course I have to go back to the clinic for my Neulasta shot tomorrow morning. I know there’s more pain to come after that. Darn medicine. My blood count this time was much lower than last time, so I know I need to take it, but it sure makes me hurt a lot.

My flight to Arizona leaves at around 4:30pm tomorrow. I’m so excited to see the kids. I’ve missed them so much! I know I'll be pretty sick the first week there, but I'm hoping I can get some rest too.
I'm coming back on the 29th, then I'm scheduled for the MRI on the 30th and I have my next treatment on the 1st. It seems that I'll be pretty busy having “fun” when I get back.

I have to start packing now, so I better run.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Life after kids

It’s weird being alone with Brian in this big house. It’s been eerily quiet since the kids left for Arizona on Friday.

I wake up every morning thinking that Natalie is going to open my door and crawl into my bed to come and cuddle with me. Then I think about Darian, will he remember to take his medicine, and will David be OK going to scout camp with strangers?

The first day I spent almost my entire time in my room watching TV and napping. I felt tired and unhappy. Brian wanted to talk but I just didn’t have the strength. I was distant and full of doubts. Are we doing the right thing?

Brian was able to get me out of the house yesterday. We went out for lunch and then watched a movie. By the time we came home it was about 7:00 and I was exhausted. I watched silly, mindless shows on TV trying not to think about it much and went to bed around 1:00.

Starting today I plan to have Denise clean the kids’ rooms, one room at a time. They will remain closed until they come back. It’s amazing to see that the house actually stays clean and almost untouched when they’re not around!

It’s only 11:40 and yet I’m very tired. I think I’ll have some lunch and try to get some rest. There’s not much going on. It’s just another quiet day. I’m starting to have doubts about going to Arizona next week. I know I’ll be sick as a dog and useless again. What was I thinking?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Square One

I’m sitting here thinking that I need to write something, but I really don’t feel like it.
This feeling of necessity, of course, comes from knowing that I always feel better if I somehow unload my thoughts in writing. I know it will help me calm down and relax if I can just find the words to explain. But sometimes there are no words.

Going through this cancer deal brings turmoil that is full of mixed emotions and realizations. I can’t help but thinking that maybe I’m not that eloquent in English to explain the magnitude of this after all. Come to think of it, I doubt I would be articulate enough to describe it in my own language either, let alone my second.

More and more I find myself having mixed feelings about a lot of things. I end up confused and unable to choose. Frustration does not describe what I feel, not even close. If there was one thing that I know I’m good at, is being able to see and judge things from many different angles and then decide. Now I feel that I’m being torn apart by my own strengths, and weaknesses for that matter. Self loathing can’t be good for me, not right now, I know. I try.

There are times that I feel I want to shut down and not think about anything anymore. I really wish I was back in that hospital where I could lie in a bed and have nurses fuss over me. It kills me that I can’t plan anything in advance while there are so many things in my life that need a resolution right now. Can I really plan in advance? I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me anymore. Should I plan by thinking there’s no tomorrow? Or maybe I should act as if there’s nothing wrong, but then again I can’t, because there are a ton of things wrong.

See, that’s why this disease isolates me so much. I’m not scared of death, I’m not afraid to fight, but I don’t know my limits, or the rules, there’s just no standard. How can I explain that to people? Do they think I’m falling apart, or that I’m being a pessimist? Because I know I’m not. No! I just don’t know! I do feel the need to be prepared, but the variables keep changing on me every time I think about something. I just need to know.
So I choose to pull away from everyone knowing in advance that they simply won’t understand.

Anyone else knows out there? Cause I sure don’t!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Revelations

I’ve noticed that there are a lot of people whom I don’t know, but still frequent this blog, so I feel the need to re-introduce my self and tell my story from the beginning.

My name is Stamatia (pronounced Stah-mah-TEE-a) and I’m from Greece.
My husband, my three kids and I moved to Ohio from Michigan a little over three years ago. Now, I don’t mean to say that Ohio is a cursed place or anything, but ever since we stepped our foot in the Buckeye State, things started going terribly wrong!

Since we’ve moved here we’ve had nothing but sickness and misfortune hit us in every corner. We had a scary fire accident in our kitchen that left me with 3rd degree burns on my right arm, we had a near fatal car accident that totaled our car, injuries, surgeries, and that’s just to name a few. However, I would like to fast forward to the most recent developments.

After the car accident 2 years ago I never felt the same again. I have a bad back and the accident made it progressively worse. I was in pain most of the time and I could feel that emotionally and physically I was going downhill. I struggled with a lot of things but I found myself unable to cope with any of the situations at hand. I started feeling tired all the time and had little energy to do anything. More and more I felt isolated, alone, sad, and distressed. I talked to doctors that told me I suffer from anxiety and depression and prescribed pills for me to help me act and feel “normal” again and I scheduled sessions with therapists to talk about my troubled past and present.

One night as I was settling in for bed and getting undressed, I felt a lump on my right breast. I immediately felt that there was something wrong. The next day I called my doctor and made and appointment. She too thought when she felt it, that there was something fishy going on. The lump had no “give” to it, so I knew that it couldn’t have been a cyst. My doctor scheduled a mammogram and ultrasound for me. Within the next few days we found out that indeed the lump looked very suspicious and I had to have a biopsy. Three days after the biopsy I found out that I had triple negative breast cancer that had spread to my lymph nodes and I needed to start therapy right away.

The rest of what happened is already posted on the blog, so I won’t tire you by repeating everything. I will tell you though a few of my thoughts that I’ve had lately.

For months now I have feasted like a vampire, (I know it sound really bad!), on other people’s prayers. I found love, kind thoughts, support, and positive energy coming to me from so many people, but I myself was unable to sit down and pray. I know that I’ve made it this far solely on other people’s faith. Myself, I’ve felt sad, angry, bitter, and I sense of numbness had taken over me. I thought about God many times, but my feelings were always mixed. I have so many things to be grateful for, but… did I really deserve this? What do I say when I kneel down to pray? Thank you? I was confused. I didn’t want to think about it until recently.


Last night Brian could not sleep. I fell asleep reading my book relatively early. The next thing I knew it was 1:20 am and I saw Brian walking out of our bedroom to go downstairs. I’m a very light sleeper and I wake up easily so I have to sleep wearing earplugs. Last night I didn’t.

Usually when I wake up I have a hard time getting back to sleep, so after Brian left I stayed lying still in my bed for hours, checking the clock every now and then, hoping he would come back to bed sooner or later. He didn’t.

I started getting frustrated. “There comes another day tomorrow” I thought, “with Brian sleeping in because he had a long night and me trying to juggle everything while being sick.” It was 3:40 am by that time and I decided to get up and go check on him. I found him in his office staring at the computer. “What are you doing? Why aren’t you coming to bed? You woke me up when you left and I’ve been waiting for you for hours.” I felt so tired and let down.

Brian apologized and followed me slowly up the stairs and back to our bedroom. I got in bed and he came too. I heard him take a deep breath and sigh, and right that minute it hit me. “What if he’s up because he worries about me and all that has been going on? He too has the right to feel like crap about this situation. This doesn’t only affect me it hurts all of us in this family!”

I knew that minute that I was right. Brian has been trying to juggle things too. He takes care of me when I can’t get out of bed, he makes sure the kids are fed, and on top of everything else he has to go to work and he’s expected to be good at it too.

I reached out and hugged him and told him that I love him. I told him that he needs to talk about all those feeling he tries to hold deep inside him. He needs to let go and accept the fact that what we’re dealing with here is really hard! Nobody expects him to be “super dad” or “super husband”. He can rely on me too, talk to me. I’m still here. We only have each other to lean on. I’ll have his back and he’ll have mine.

Brian was able to calm down and he fell asleep in my arms. I felt calm but energized. I knew that I was not going to go to sleep after that. So instead of fighting it and getting stressed about it, I decided to get up and…wash my wig! LOL! So here I am in the middle of the night, shampooing my fake hair, and you know what? It felt great! Ha! I brushed my wig and took a step back to admire my handiwork. It looked awesome and I felt pretty pleased with myself.

I don’t know why but at that moment that I felt so calm and relaxed, I realized that I wanted to pray. So yes, I prayed, for the first time since this has happened, in full sentences, unlike all my other lame attempts up until now. It was wonderful!

Brian’s grandmother has been sending me verses from the Bible and encouraging thoughts almost daily, but one has stuck to my mind, because she has mentioned it many times.

“I have a plan for you, not to harm you. I am always with you. I will not forsake you. I love you, more than you will ever know."

For the first time this made absolutely sense to me. I know that things happen for a reason, but I had failed to see what it was in my case.

Like all of us, I have been given a precious gift. I was brought to this life not just having a body of bones and muscles and organs, but having a spirit too. I’m responsible to take care and nourish not only my body but my spirit also. I failed in doing both.

I was so preoccupied with my hectic life and my misfortunes that I let everything weigh down on me so much that it finally brought me to my knees. I stopped taking care of my body, so I suffered the consequences, and I stopped taking care of my emotional needs and my spirit so I felt alone and isolated.

I now understand all this and I have reached the point where I don’t just need the help from others, but I can also give back.

So I’m here to tell everyone who reads this what I’ve been hearing in my head lately and what I have learned so far:

We all have times that we feel sad, worried, fearful, angry and despaired. Don’t fight it. Accept and acknowledge those feelings for what they are. An expression of how your inner self truly feels at that particular moment. The more you accept them without feeling guilt, criticism or blame, the more you’ll help yourself to feel physically and spiritually well. Once you have acknowledged them you can then release all the unwanted emotions. Remember to breath!

Remember that our bodies can teach us useful things, it can challenge us to learn and change and grow.

Listen to your body and be thankful that you can learn to love, express and accept yourself.

When you learn to accept yourself the way it is then you can also allow yourself to heal.

When we let go and release all the everyday hectic expectations and demands in our lives we can soften ourselves and heal from stressful situation that can only harm us.

Forgive yourself and others about past mistakes. Don’t hold a grudge. Let your mind and body heal.

Be thankful for who you are! We are all beautiful and special. If you learn to love yourself you’ll give your mind and body a powerful message to be well.

Don’t find yourself being motivated by guilt, anger, or bitterness. Do things out of love. Celebrate who you are and feel free to express your true self.

Keep in you mind the picture of a strong, vital and healthy body. Cleanse yourself from things that might bring you down.

Accept the love and support of family and friends. Feel their positive energy like a warm wave that encircles you and calms you. Open yourself to them. You deserve to be loved.

Your physical condition is not an indication of who you as a person. Enjoy your recovery. Embrace the good days and rejoice. You can let yourself heal and live a full life, or let yourself heal and die. It will not change who you really are.

And that’s my 2 cents for the day. It’s almost 8:00 am now, and everybody is still asleep. I will go check on everybody and start a new day. I hope yours is good too.

Peace!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Chemo stinks!

It's a fact. Chemo stinks. I've been so sick since Monday! Pain, upset stomach, mouth sores, weird taste, you name it I've had it!

I've been staying in bed most of the time. I'm trying to help around the house and do things with the kids, but I'm useless. Sometimes it's painful for me to even walk! The house of course is a mess, but I don't even have the energy to think about it let alone do something about it.

I know I have to be patient, but I don't know how much more I can take of this. I know I should be glad that I'm half way there, but three more times of this doesn't sound so exciting to me anymore. The thought that I have a surgery coming up right after chemo is not so thrilling either. It takes a long time to recover, and it takes a while to get used to the new "you".

I know now that I'll have to have radiation too, so who knows when (and if) I'm going to be out of the woods. It's a long process and I'm already tired. It's just so disheartening.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I'm doing surprisingly well today! I woke up early to go to the clinic for my shot. I had to wait for a while, but I kept Natalie occupied with some Highlights magazines they had there for kids, so it was not that hard.

When my turn finally came, the nurse took my vitals again, and then took me to the back room with all the chairs and the people hooked up on their IV's or waiting for their shot.

A lady came in not too long after and sat right next to me, so we started talking. She too had breast cancer, but she was "fortunate" enough to have the more "treatable" kind with the right hormone receptors, the one I don't have since I'm a triple negative. She too had decided to go ahead and have a double mastectomy, so she doesn't have to worry about it coming back anymore, so it was nice to hear from someone else that I'm not completely out of mind for wanting to do the same. People sometimes think that wanting to do this is too radical, and I should try to preserve the parts that are not affected. I, on the other hand, think that I don't ever want to have to go through this again and the more they take away, the less chances I'll have for it to return, at least in the same place.

The lady mentioned something about a support group she's going twice a week and invited me to go too. I think I will. It really makes a big difference to talk to people that go through the same crap after all. I take everything back.

Having cancer isolates you. It's a lonely road. No one can understand. People can feel sorry for you, offer prayers and comfort but only the ones that have faced it can really understand what it means to live counting the days, to the next treatment, to the surgery, to recovery, to the end of your life as you know it. It's really bad business.
When it was time to leave I gave her a hug and wished her good luck, thinking we could all use some.

I came back home and spent some time with the kids. Later I was in the mood for some exercise. I got on the treadmill for a few minutes to warm up and then did some yoga! Very refreshing! Brian kept telling me how proud he is of me for doing it. It's true that I haven't done it in a while.

I took a shower afterwards, made dinner and then went to my bed and took a long nap.
When I woke up the kids told me that our neighbors next doors were leaving for the night and the said that we could use their hot tub, if we wanted to. The kids were very excited about it, so I decide to let them go there for a while. I had to be there to make sure that Natalie did OK and she was just fine. She even put her head under the water! Our pool is open now for the season, so I promised them that if I'm feeling OK I'll take them there tomorrow.

After the kids went to bed Brian and I gave Ozzie, our dog, a haircut. He looks so cute with short hair, and he was so excited afterwards. We gave him a treat and that made him even happier!

Now I'm just ready to go out on our deck and enjoy some quiet moments with Brian. I love it when we get to have some time together out there after the kids go to bed, but we rarely do it because the mosquitoes feast on poor Brian. Let's see if he's going to be brave enough tonight.
I think after that I'm just going to read and then try to go to sleep. I know it's already midnight, but I only woke up 3-4 hours ago, so my schedule is a little off.

So that's all for today. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow.

Hugs!