The appointment with the breast surgeon is tomorrow. I've been thinking about it all day.
I searched on Google images for mastectomy. I felt my heart sinking lower and lower. Cuts, scars, and bruises, but no faces. I wonder how those women's faces would look. Sad? Scared? Or maybe happy to be still alive, I don't know.

Ugh! Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and wish this thing away. Yeah, I know. No luck there.

I try to imagine my body different. I think my old clothes might fit again if I lose some "volume" up front. I can't help but feeling that it's unfair, not right, and I want to scream "Why me? Why any of us? Why isn't there a cure yet?" but a lot of good that would do.

I feel so alone. Today I went out for a few minutes and I saw a lady in her car wearing a scarf on her head to hide her bald head. My heart skipped a beat. I was wearing my wig at the moment and I felt like yelling out "I have it too" and taking my wig off. Of course I didn't. I just looked at her knowingly as she drove away to face her own fears and nightmares and I was left with mine.

At the end of the day we fight our fights alone and although I have experienced so much kindness, love and care from countless people since this has happened, I still feel like I'm alone in this. I do find comfort in prayer, especially when I pray for everyday things and my family. If I can still pray for normal things, like I used to, it somehow means that I can go on with my normal life, I can hang on and not worry about beating any big fights for my life and staying alive. I'm kidding myself, of course. I know that it all comes down to this.

I'm worried about this surgery. My heart seems to be beating so fast since I started chemo. I get so tired and as my defences have gone down gradually I feel weaker and weaker. Will my heart make it through the surgery? I guess we'll find out.

Today more than any other time I feel that it really stinks to not have loads of money. Brian always tells me how his Grandpa says that money isn't everything, but it sure beats whatever is in second place! LOL!! Wise Grandpa! :-)

As the medical bills have started pilling up and Brian has less billable hours because he has to stay home and take care of me we have started to see things getting tighter and tighter. I don't know what else to do. It's unfair to fight for your life and worry about paying all those bills at the same time. Will there ever be a day where money will not be an issue? I might not even be alive to see it. At least when Brian worked for P&G he had a life insurance for me too.

As these dark thoughts keep pouring out of me, I feel that my only happy thought for the day is that my kids will be coming back on Tuesday. I've missed them so much. But then the devil whispers in the back of my mind, "you can't even take care of them" and my happy feelings disappear.

It's true. I'll be overwhelmed. Sick and overwhelmed while they struggle day after day to get my attention and spend the time they used to when I felt better. Coming on my bed and spending hours at my feet while I feel too sick to get up and get food for them. Of course someone else will be here to take of their needs, but it's not going to be me. I know how much they want this back and it kills me to admit that I can't do it anymore.

Another day gone. My heart is heavy but I feel OK physically. Emotionally not so well. Can you tell?