I made the call. I've been thinking about it for days, but I reached the decision and I immediately knew that this is one call that I have to make myself. I picked up the receiver and dialed the number of the breast surgeon. As if I was being mocked, or rather tortured, I got their answering machine 3-4 times in a row saying they're busy helping other patients. Each time I had to muster the courage to dial the stupid number again. When I finally got them on the phone I took a big breath and told them my decision. I want a bilateral mastectomy. Now they officially have me down for the surgery on the 24th of August.

I feel quite calmer now that this part is out of the way. I know I made the right choice. At least I don't have to worry about making up my mind, which is what has been driving me crazy the last few days. I'm still a little worried though. It's not so easy. I still have this picture in my mind, my chest empty, with two bloody scars on it. I don't understand how some women can be so strong about it. I guess I'm a wimp. It will take me a while to accept this new reality, the new me. Sometimes I just can't swallow my fear, it's too much.

I've been feeling very lonely lately. No wonder. Brian is very busy with work, he works non stop until very late so we really have no time to talk or see each other at all. We had a short conversation a couple of days ago. He told me he's overwhelmed and tired. The stress from work is starting to get to him. I understand but it's hard.

Still, I know what I have to do and I won't let cancer, or anything else that is under my control for that matter, take me away from my children and the things I still have to offer them. If I keep this in mind I know that it can quiet all my fears and worries. I have to do it for them and pray that in the meantime it won't jump up and show its ugly face somewhere else.

We'll see...