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What a day! I went to see the breast surgeon. One of the toughest days, if not THE toughest, I've had so far. Everything started out fine. She was glad to see the tumor had shrunk significantly, she wanted another MRI so I reminded her I just had one a few weeks ago (mercy, I confess!!). She said she wasn't aware so it's OK, I don't need another one (that was a close one!)

Then she spent a good 10 minutes trying to break the news to me that I need a mastectomy. I let her go on and on. I didn't want to ruin the performance. She was trying so hard to explain to me that the size of the tumor could be dealt with a lumpectomy, but the change in my skin and the fact that there's still some swelling suggests that a mastectomy would be the wisest thing to do. Lady, I'm way ahead of you!

Anyway, I told her I had already decided to have a mastectomy and I'm actually thinking of having a bilateral. She seemed relieved. We had many questions to ask about the timing and all the procedures.

So I'll have the surgery on the 21st, then continue with radiation 3 weeks later, 5 days a week for 5 weeks, then wait for about 8 months to have the reconstruction. I was a little shaken by the fact that it's going to take so long.

When I asked her about removing both breasts she said that some women prefer to have both breasts removed at the same time, others wait to remove the second one when they do the reconstruction. Then you have at least one that won't have scar tissue (apparently radiation does a number on your skin, thus making the reconstruction a real challenge, to say the least)

Everything went fine up until that point. I didn't hear anything that I didn't already know, except the date of the surgery and the duration of the radiation.

Then I asked how many days I would be in hospital, expecting to hear at least 2-3 days. "It's an overnight procedure" she said. I couldn't believe my ears! I have heard women complaining and even protesting and collecting signatures about what they call "drive thru mastectomies" , but by reading the blogs most women report that they had at least 2 days.

I can't believe that they hack you and then send you packing the next day. Of course you have to go back to the hospital countless times withing the next 10 days for them to check things, remove drains, and tubes they leave hanging out of the incision! I was flabbergasted! That's just my luck. Everything has to be hard till the very end. I can't catch a break.

We asked a few more questions and then said our thank yous and goodbyes and headed to our car. I felt broken. I couldn't hold my tears back. All my fears were released and I fell into a downward spiral until hours later I hit rock bottom. I'm still trying to recover.

I'm not sure what hit me so hard. The fact that I actually have a date for my mastectomy? Perhaps that I have about a week to think and decide if I want it bilaterally now and suffer the consequences or later and prolong an already painful and uncomfortable situation? That I feel like cattle being pushed and poked through a grinder? That I'll never be the same again? Where do I begin?

The truth is I was not prepared for this mini break down. I think others might say it's expected, but it caught me completely off guard. I think it was just a release after all those days of stressing about the appointment, who knows. If I were a drinking person I would have liked to get hammered right about then. I wanted to be numbed and shut down. I couldn't stand thinking about things anymore, and I couldn't stand feeling the pain. So what could I have done?

I bet most of you know the answer already, and I know it too. Well, what can I say? I felt that I couldn't pray right then. I didn't have the peace of mind to put 2 thoughts together, let alone articulate how messed up I felt. My only hope was that He already knew and that He'd take care of me regardless. But considering the amount of distress I felt I guess that's not how it works.

Finally I was able to calm down enough to only think about Him and that was all that was needed. I know that everything happens for a reason, I don't know what I have to learn from all those hardships yet, but I know that I'll be prepared when I'm called to use what I have learned from all this. I get the feeling that I have to learn to be tough because we shall all have more tough times ahead of us.

It's a long and unpleasant process. Sometimes I wish I could deactivate, just like those robots in science fiction movies, but I have to make do with what I've been given, and unfortunately I was not designed with an off switch. Which means I have to tough it out and learn whatever I can while doing it. So that's what I'm prepared to do.

This thing will not wipe me out. I think I now understand that the battle is not necessarily about beating cancer, but surviving and prevailing from our own fears.

There I go being all cerebral and such. I better take my pills and call it a night. A long night.