Revelations

I’ve noticed that there are a lot of people whom I don’t know, but still frequent this blog, so I feel the need to re-introduce my self and tell my story from the beginning.

My name is Stamatia (pronounced Stah-mah-TEE-a) and I’m from Greece.
My husband, my three kids and I moved to Ohio from Michigan a little over three years ago. Now, I don’t mean to say that Ohio is a cursed place or anything, but ever since we stepped our foot in the Buckeye State, things started going terribly wrong!

Since we’ve moved here we’ve had nothing but sickness and misfortune hit us in every corner. We had a scary fire accident in our kitchen that left me with 3rd degree burns on my right arm, we had a near fatal car accident that totaled our car, injuries, surgeries, and that’s just to name a few. However, I would like to fast forward to the most recent developments.

After the car accident 2 years ago I never felt the same again. I have a bad back and the accident made it progressively worse. I was in pain most of the time and I could feel that emotionally and physically I was going downhill. I struggled with a lot of things but I found myself unable to cope with any of the situations at hand. I started feeling tired all the time and had little energy to do anything. More and more I felt isolated, alone, sad, and distressed. I talked to doctors that told me I suffer from anxiety and depression and prescribed pills for me to help me act and feel “normal” again and I scheduled sessions with therapists to talk about my troubled past and present.

One night as I was settling in for bed and getting undressed, I felt a lump on my right breast. I immediately felt that there was something wrong. The next day I called my doctor and made and appointment. She too thought when she felt it, that there was something fishy going on. The lump had no “give” to it, so I knew that it couldn’t have been a cyst. My doctor scheduled a mammogram and ultrasound for me. Within the next few days we found out that indeed the lump looked very suspicious and I had to have a biopsy. Three days after the biopsy I found out that I had triple negative breast cancer that had spread to my lymph nodes and I needed to start therapy right away.

The rest of what happened is already posted on the blog, so I won’t tire you by repeating everything. I will tell you though a few of my thoughts that I’ve had lately.

For months now I have feasted like a vampire, (I know it sound really bad!), on other people’s prayers. I found love, kind thoughts, support, and positive energy coming to me from so many people, but I myself was unable to sit down and pray. I know that I’ve made it this far solely on other people’s faith. Myself, I’ve felt sad, angry, bitter, and I sense of numbness had taken over me. I thought about God many times, but my feelings were always mixed. I have so many things to be grateful for, but… did I really deserve this? What do I say when I kneel down to pray? Thank you? I was confused. I didn’t want to think about it until recently.


Last night Brian could not sleep. I fell asleep reading my book relatively early. The next thing I knew it was 1:20 am and I saw Brian walking out of our bedroom to go downstairs. I’m a very light sleeper and I wake up easily so I have to sleep wearing earplugs. Last night I didn’t.

Usually when I wake up I have a hard time getting back to sleep, so after Brian left I stayed lying still in my bed for hours, checking the clock every now and then, hoping he would come back to bed sooner or later. He didn’t.

I started getting frustrated. “There comes another day tomorrow” I thought, “with Brian sleeping in because he had a long night and me trying to juggle everything while being sick.” It was 3:40 am by that time and I decided to get up and go check on him. I found him in his office staring at the computer. “What are you doing? Why aren’t you coming to bed? You woke me up when you left and I’ve been waiting for you for hours.” I felt so tired and let down.

Brian apologized and followed me slowly up the stairs and back to our bedroom. I got in bed and he came too. I heard him take a deep breath and sigh, and right that minute it hit me. “What if he’s up because he worries about me and all that has been going on? He too has the right to feel like crap about this situation. This doesn’t only affect me it hurts all of us in this family!”

I knew that minute that I was right. Brian has been trying to juggle things too. He takes care of me when I can’t get out of bed, he makes sure the kids are fed, and on top of everything else he has to go to work and he’s expected to be good at it too.

I reached out and hugged him and told him that I love him. I told him that he needs to talk about all those feeling he tries to hold deep inside him. He needs to let go and accept the fact that what we’re dealing with here is really hard! Nobody expects him to be “super dad” or “super husband”. He can rely on me too, talk to me. I’m still here. We only have each other to lean on. I’ll have his back and he’ll have mine.

Brian was able to calm down and he fell asleep in my arms. I felt calm but energized. I knew that I was not going to go to sleep after that. So instead of fighting it and getting stressed about it, I decided to get up and…wash my wig! LOL! So here I am in the middle of the night, shampooing my fake hair, and you know what? It felt great! Ha! I brushed my wig and took a step back to admire my handiwork. It looked awesome and I felt pretty pleased with myself.

I don’t know why but at that moment that I felt so calm and relaxed, I realized that I wanted to pray. So yes, I prayed, for the first time since this has happened, in full sentences, unlike all my other lame attempts up until now. It was wonderful!

Brian’s grandmother has been sending me verses from the Bible and encouraging thoughts almost daily, but one has stuck to my mind, because she has mentioned it many times.

“I have a plan for you, not to harm you. I am always with you. I will not forsake you. I love you, more than you will ever know."

For the first time this made absolutely sense to me. I know that things happen for a reason, but I had failed to see what it was in my case.

Like all of us, I have been given a precious gift. I was brought to this life not just having a body of bones and muscles and organs, but having a spirit too. I’m responsible to take care and nourish not only my body but my spirit also. I failed in doing both.

I was so preoccupied with my hectic life and my misfortunes that I let everything weigh down on me so much that it finally brought me to my knees. I stopped taking care of my body, so I suffered the consequences, and I stopped taking care of my emotional needs and my spirit so I felt alone and isolated.

I now understand all this and I have reached the point where I don’t just need the help from others, but I can also give back.

So I’m here to tell everyone who reads this what I’ve been hearing in my head lately and what I have learned so far:

We all have times that we feel sad, worried, fearful, angry and despaired. Don’t fight it. Accept and acknowledge those feelings for what they are. An expression of how your inner self truly feels at that particular moment. The more you accept them without feeling guilt, criticism or blame, the more you’ll help yourself to feel physically and spiritually well. Once you have acknowledged them you can then release all the unwanted emotions. Remember to breath!

Remember that our bodies can teach us useful things, it can challenge us to learn and change and grow.

Listen to your body and be thankful that you can learn to love, express and accept yourself.

When you learn to accept yourself the way it is then you can also allow yourself to heal.

When we let go and release all the everyday hectic expectations and demands in our lives we can soften ourselves and heal from stressful situation that can only harm us.

Forgive yourself and others about past mistakes. Don’t hold a grudge. Let your mind and body heal.

Be thankful for who you are! We are all beautiful and special. If you learn to love yourself you’ll give your mind and body a powerful message to be well.

Don’t find yourself being motivated by guilt, anger, or bitterness. Do things out of love. Celebrate who you are and feel free to express your true self.

Keep in you mind the picture of a strong, vital and healthy body. Cleanse yourself from things that might bring you down.

Accept the love and support of family and friends. Feel their positive energy like a warm wave that encircles you and calms you. Open yourself to them. You deserve to be loved.

Your physical condition is not an indication of who you as a person. Enjoy your recovery. Embrace the good days and rejoice. You can let yourself heal and live a full life, or let yourself heal and die. It will not change who you really are.

And that’s my 2 cents for the day. It’s almost 8:00 am now, and everybody is still asleep. I will go check on everybody and start a new day. I hope yours is good too.

Peace!

Chemo stinks!

It's a fact. Chemo stinks. I've been so sick since Monday! Pain, upset stomach, mouth sores, weird taste, you name it I've had it!

I've been staying in bed most of the time. I'm trying to help around the house and do things with the kids, but I'm useless. Sometimes it's painful for me to even walk! The house of course is a mess, but I don't even have the energy to think about it let alone do something about it.

I know I have to be patient, but I don't know how much more I can take of this. I know I should be glad that I'm half way there, but three more times of this doesn't sound so exciting to me anymore. The thought that I have a surgery coming up right after chemo is not so thrilling either. It takes a long time to recover, and it takes a while to get used to the new "you".

I know now that I'll have to have radiation too, so who knows when (and if) I'm going to be out of the woods. It's a long process and I'm already tired. It's just so disheartening.

I'm doing surprisingly well today! I woke up early to go to the clinic for my shot. I had to wait for a while, but I kept Natalie occupied with some Highlights magazines they had there for kids, so it was not that hard.

When my turn finally came, the nurse took my vitals again, and then took me to the back room with all the chairs and the people hooked up on their IV's or waiting for their shot.

A lady came in not too long after and sat right next to me, so we started talking. She too had breast cancer, but she was "fortunate" enough to have the more "treatable" kind with the right hormone receptors, the one I don't have since I'm a triple negative. She too had decided to go ahead and have a double mastectomy, so she doesn't have to worry about it coming back anymore, so it was nice to hear from someone else that I'm not completely out of mind for wanting to do the same. People sometimes think that wanting to do this is too radical, and I should try to preserve the parts that are not affected. I, on the other hand, think that I don't ever want to have to go through this again and the more they take away, the less chances I'll have for it to return, at least in the same place.

The lady mentioned something about a support group she's going twice a week and invited me to go too. I think I will. It really makes a big difference to talk to people that go through the same crap after all. I take everything back.

Having cancer isolates you. It's a lonely road. No one can understand. People can feel sorry for you, offer prayers and comfort but only the ones that have faced it can really understand what it means to live counting the days, to the next treatment, to the surgery, to recovery, to the end of your life as you know it. It's really bad business.
When it was time to leave I gave her a hug and wished her good luck, thinking we could all use some.

I came back home and spent some time with the kids. Later I was in the mood for some exercise. I got on the treadmill for a few minutes to warm up and then did some yoga! Very refreshing! Brian kept telling me how proud he is of me for doing it. It's true that I haven't done it in a while.

I took a shower afterwards, made dinner and then went to my bed and took a long nap.
When I woke up the kids told me that our neighbors next doors were leaving for the night and the said that we could use their hot tub, if we wanted to. The kids were very excited about it, so I decide to let them go there for a while. I had to be there to make sure that Natalie did OK and she was just fine. She even put her head under the water! Our pool is open now for the season, so I promised them that if I'm feeling OK I'll take them there tomorrow.

After the kids went to bed Brian and I gave Ozzie, our dog, a haircut. He looks so cute with short hair, and he was so excited afterwards. We gave him a treat and that made him even happier!

Now I'm just ready to go out on our deck and enjoy some quiet moments with Brian. I love it when we get to have some time together out there after the kids go to bed, but we rarely do it because the mosquitoes feast on poor Brian. Let's see if he's going to be brave enough tonight.
I think after that I'm just going to read and then try to go to sleep. I know it's already midnight, but I only woke up 3-4 hours ago, so my schedule is a little off.

So that's all for today. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow.

Hugs!

Round Three

I’ve noticed lately that my accounts have been almost completely devoid of any of my true feelings about what’s been going on. I feel stuck, frozen and I don’t talk that much anymore. I simply can’t.

I worry that if I start describing my thoughts and feelings at this moment I will sound like I’m whining, and I detest whining. So, since I’m unable to express feelings for now, I think that I will keep things simple and stick only to the facts. It’s better that way.

Today I had my third round of chemo. I woke up early, but I was able to get out of bed easily. I took a shower and I started getting ready to go to the clinic. Denise got here a few minutes after 9:00 am and Brian and I left right away.

We arrived there right on time. We went up to the second floor where I had to do the usual stuff. Sign in, fill in a chart that asks questions about possible symptoms I’ve had since last time, then I had to go to the lab for a blood test and smile and say it’s OK when they told me they forgot to do the INR test first (they’re supposed to check it with the first drawn blood), so they had to prick me for a second time.

I went out in the waiting room again and had to wait a few more minutes to see the doctor. Brian had a few more questions to ask and, to the doctor’s surprise, I had a few of my own too. We told him that the tumor has shrunk significantly, so he wanted to check too.

I took my clothes off, and once again had to wear the…paper poncho thingy they like to call a “gown”. The doctor came back to examine me and he was pleasantly surprised when he couldn’t even find the tumor! He said that depending on how I’m doing I might have to do another MRI to see how much it has shrunk.

I asked him to be a little more specific about what the next treatment steps after chemo would be, so he told us that I could have the surgery after 3-6 weeks after my last chemo. He said that depending on the pathology report we’ll get after the surgery he’ll decide whether I’ll have radiation or not. If they still find cancer cells in my lymph nodes (there is very small chance they might not find any) I’ll have radiation for sure and the restoration will have to be postponed. If not the plastic surgeon will take over right after the breast surgeon is done.

So it looks like I’ll probably have radiation, unless of course that miracle that I was talking about the other day does happen. Of course I’m already very grateful that my body has been responding to the treatment so well. It means not only that the tumor in the breast has shrunk, but also that possible cancer cells in other parts of my body are also not liking the “cocktail” they give me and will stop growing before they even start forming a new tumor. Good news! I know that all those prayers coming my way had something to do with it, so a big thank you to all my family and friends that have been keeping me in their thoughts.

After talking to the doctor I went to the third floor for my chemo. I didn’t have a private room this time around, so I was in the big room with everybody else again. The routine was the same; an IV with 2 medicines for nausea, some steroids, then my usual dose of toxins, Taxotere and Carboplatin. It takes about 2:30 to 3:00 hours to administer the IV so I was there for a little more than 4 hours total. Fortunately I had my Kindle and I read the entire time.

I got back home at around 2:30 and Denise and Natalie seemed like they had a fun time together. I was relieved. I spent some time talking to Denise, she really likes to hang out here, but after a while I got really tired and my stomach felt weird. I thought that after she was gone I would have the chance to get some rest, but of course the kids had other plans for me.

So now it’s after 11:00 pm and I can finally get some much needed rest. Tomorrow I have to go to the Kenwood clinic and get my Neulasta shot. I bet that’s going to make me feel great! I really hope the pain is not that bad this time around.

I’m going to try to get some sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

It's amazing how much energy I have the last few days before my next round of chemo! Today I was able to do all kinds of things, and I did have a ton of stuff on my schedule! Surprisingly I was still chugging along until late afternoon. I got really tired late in the evening, but I was able to get some rest after Brian got home from work, so I still feel fine now.


It's kinda sad to think that my body is actually healing from all that poison only to get some more on Friday. Well, as long as it does what it's supposed to do, I shouldn't whine.


I'm starting to dread the days I get chemo, I know that I'll be really sick for at least 10-12 days after I do it. Who knows what kind of symptoms I'll have this time! They seem to be different every time. I don't think that a body can really get used to receiving toxic waste intravenously as... a "treatment", so I'm not surprised. The key, I've found, is to keep busy and not think about it.

I'll be half way done after this next one, so as the days go by I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. At least for step one. Now I'm beginning to focus more on the surgery.

I feel that I can trust my breast surgeon. She's very nice and knowledgeable, and she's very experienced from what we were able to find out. We've heard very good things about her, from many different sources. My gynecologist and the nurse practitioner were the first ones to recommend her and my oncologist mentioned to us that his wife had her as her surgeon also. One would think that he would have the means to provide the best for his wife, so if out of all the doctors in Cincinnati he chose her, I think it's safe to assume that I am in good hands.


I've also started thinking about the radiation treatments. The doctor mentioned that I might need to do that too. I'm afraid to start looking more into it, because I don't want to feel discouraged before I'm even done with chemo.

How much I would love to have the chemo and the surgery out of the way and not worry about this anymore, ever again! Of course I'll do whatever the doctor thinks is best. I know that the reconstruction would have to be delayed if I need to have radiation, so that's a big bummer.


Wouldn't it be nice if a miracle could happen? Lets say that I'd go to the doctor's office one sunny day and he would say: "Wow, the tumor is gone!" How neat is that? Well, a girl can always dream, right? ;-)


I'm kinda getting tired of writing when there's really nothing to say, so I'll shut up and go about my business, which at this point should be to get to my bed. It's late and I have another busy day tomorrow.

Adios.

Look Good...Feel Better

I've been feeling a lot better this week. I've been keeping busy with the kids and things around the house, so I don't really pay attention to my symptoms anymore. I've had a little nausea, but nothing serious.

I have another treatment coming up on Friday, so I'm guessing next week will be another hard one for me. I suppose the oncologist will tell me I need another shot of Neulasta the day after, so I'm expecting a lot of pain in my bones. The good news is that since I survived it the first time, I'm thinking I'll make it through the second time as well. :-)

Today I had my "Look good...Feel better" seminar. It was nice to be with other women that go through the same things, so I think I'll reevaluate what I said a few days ago. It was actually good to be among women that feel the same, look the same, or sometimes, sadly, are even worse than I am. I guess I'm always so private and reserved that I forget how it is to be around other people. I know, if I could I would be a hermit in a cave!

Our instructor was this really tall skinny African American lady that was hilarious, so we all felt relaxed and more confident. At some point she wanted to demonstrate how to apply make-up, I was one of the lucky ones, so we had to take our wigs off.

I heard a lot of people say that it was liberating for them to do it. I usually wear scarves around the house, and I take them off when I'm in my bedroom, with the door locked of course, so I don't scare the poor kids! One of the ladies told me "I'll take it off, if you do." I said "Sure!" and yanked it off. I didn't really care. I didn't feel "liberated" or anything spectacular like that, it was actually kinda fun. I put a scarf back on after a few minutes because my head started getting cold.

I got a bunch of free samples, but unfortunately some of them were foundations and powders that were too dark for my skin, so if any of you have friends that have darker skin than mine, let me know. I got free stuff!

I heard from my mom and sister a few days ago and they're still planning to come see me in August, my brother a week after them, so I'm really excited to see them all. I can tell my mom is having a rough time, but she tries not to say anything to me and be supportive. My sister told me though that she's really worried.

I feel a little nervous for them to see me like this. I know they love me and they won't care, they just want to be here for me when I have the surgery, but I still feel weird about it.

So, that's all for now. My skin feels really sticky now, because I don't usually use foundation, my preference is the Bare Minerals products, so I' thinking I'm gonna have to go and wash it off, before my skin breaks out.

Later! :-)

Ever since I started writing this blog I’ve had lots of nice people visit it and send me very kind and thoughtful messages, reminding me that I’m not alone and that there are many other women out there that go through the same battle.

Although I’m so grateful for all the plethora of information out there on the Internet and all the gracious men and women who are willing to share their experience and advice, this is where our similarities end and our differences begin.

Somehow I feel that there’s nothing to gain from knowing that someone else has cancer too, or learning that someone I don’t know feels the exact same crappy feelings I have right now. I know that I would probably say the same things and offer the same stick to someone drowning from the flood that this horrendous disease brings unto its helpless victims, but it’s not the kind of help that I need right now.

I need to have the illusion that things are normal, that everything is fine. Many times I think that I would be so much better off if I had no idea. I already know more than an average person does, and it drives me nuts. Whenever I look on the Internet for more info I get more and more depressed. There’s nothing good out there and then I’m left with the feeling that I’m already in too deep, that I’m kidding my self and that I’ll never beat this.

I know that even if I beat it this time around, it will come back somewhere else, and then what? I don’t think I have the inner strength to go for another round. And that’s when I have to remember to focus on this round first and take it one thing at a time. It’s not easy!

I gain strength from my noisy kids and the fact that for them nothing has changed. They don’t tiptoe around their sick mother, they still go on as if nothing has happened and although it gets a bit tiring sometimes, deep down I love it this way. It’s what keeps me going. Knowing that I need to be here for them is what drives me.

David needs help with geography, and Darian with his spelling words, Natalie is hungry and Brian is looking for his sunglasses and here I am in the middle of everything, hanging from a string, but I’m still here, juggling between everybody’s needs and wants. This is what makes me feel alive, and I love it!

And when I get tired and weak, there’s always Brian’s kind but strong hand to hold on to.
Always there! He helps me to my bed and sets me down to rest. That’s when I realize that I can let go, and yes, I can be sick and fragile too! Things will still go on.

I close my eyes and sleep and my dreams are peaceful. I love and I’m loved. I want nothing else. I’m ready. Ready to fight and ready to loose. Either one is fine.

I've felt better the past few days, I had a little more energy than usual, until today that is.
I woke up early, when the kids were about to leave for school. Last night I noticed that my feet were very swollen, which is bad news for me especially with the blood clots, but I laid down and kept my feet high on a pillow all night and this morning they were a lot better.

We had a pretty fun Mother's day. We went to church and it was really nice to see everybody.
William came down from Dayton and he made dinner and a delicious lemon cake for Sally and me. I really admire his talent and energy. He loves cooking and he's so good at it too! Some lucky girl out there will never have to worry about making dinner when this guy gets married.

I miss having Sally here already! She left early this morning, and I feel bad because I was asleep and I didn't get to say goodbye and most of all thank her again for coming. She worked so hard when she was here! I feel horrible I couldn't be of more help, but she has turned things around for us. Now we can at least say we can maintain a clean house, and the garden out in the front yard looks great mainly because she kept everyone busy doing their share! Before the work that needed to be done around here, was way beyond my, or Brian's, capabilities. So, a big thank you to Grandma for helping us survive this crazy time!

Denise, the girl who helps around the house, came and helped me today. She folded all the clothes in my bedroom and stacked them in the new shelves that Brian put into our closet.
We also put a ton of Natalie's books in boxes. There's still a lot to be done around here, but I'm hoping that we can do a little every day.

I felt pretty tired all day. When Brian came home around 6:00 pm I was finally able to drift away and sleep while he was laying right next to me. His voice is so soothing!
I woke up at 10:30 pm so one would expect that I'd be up most of the night, but believe it or not, I feel tired again and I think I'm ready to go to sleep again.

I went downstairs and "played" with my beads again. I bought some new containers so I've spent quite some time trying to organize everything. I also took another look at the stuff that Annie sent me. I've never really done any serious card making or scrapbooking, but those things from Stamping Up look so pretty and fun I can't wait to start my first project. They're awesome! Annie you're so sweet and thoughtful. Thanks!

Emily sent me the "Marley and Me" DVD which I really enjoyed, and a Chia Obama "pet" in a terracotta style plant pot. From what I read it has been pulled off the shelves of several stores because it was considered racist and disrespectful, since the President's head sprouts afro-like hair when vegetation grows out of the top of it! Ha, I still think it's hilarious, so thanks Emily!

And have I told you about the funny pictures that my nieces and nephews send me every now and then to cheer me up? They're so cute! In fact I think I'm going to start posting them so everybody can see them. I shouldn't be the only one to benefit from such cuteness, but I'll have to ask Matt and Ann first. :-)

So that's it for now. It's 1:35 am so I better get back to bed. I'm glad it's Friday tomorrow.
I think that Brian and I might be able to watch Angels and Deamons. I hope it's not as disappointing as Da Vinci Code was.

Kalinyhta!

I have found that keeping busy, whenever the pain is bearable, makes the days go by faster.

Yesterday I kept busy all day on Darian's project that was due today. For this project Darian had to read a book (that's easy), then keep notes (also easy) and then design and make his own board game that will follow the storyline of the book! What?

Anyway. We did (or should I say I did) make a pretty cool game, but I don't understand why teachers sometimes assign projects when they know there's no way the kids can complete them on their own. I have to ask my father sometime. I think there's something weird going on, that probably only Freud could explain, but he's long gone so it will probably remain a mystery.

Today I went to Costco and Lowes with Sally and bought a bunch of beautiful plants for our front yard. I can't wait for Brian to come home from work so he can help us plant them. It's a shame that I can't do it, because of the threat of infectious diseases lurking in the soil. Great! Stupid cancer! It runs its tentacles everywhere!

It's amazing how cancer sucks out all your energy. It started last year, about this time of the year, when I noticed that I could barely get through the day. My energy level was low, I felt sad, I couldn't sleep and I still had my back hurting like crazy. I went to my doctor and asked her to run some blood tests, that all came back normal, except my white blood count that was too high, but we both thought it was because I was just recovering from a pretty bad cold.

She also gave me Cymbalta, thinking that what might have could be the first signs of depression, and it could also help with the pain. I took it for 3-4 months. It made feel sleepy, tired, dizzy, and I gained 10 pounds. I stopped taking it.

A few months later, around October, I started feeling even worse. Sometimes I could barely get out of bed, I had anxiety, and some times even panic attacks about the smallest every day things, like going to a store, or church.

I went to a psychiatrist this time. His first thought, when I mentioned that my back hurt, was to give me Cymbalta again. I kindly said "no, thank you, I need something that will help me keep my eyes open" so he gave me Lexapro.

Lexapro helped with my anxiety a lot! It did slow me down a bit though, and I started gaining more weight. We tried all different variations. We started with 10mg, it was not enough, then 20mg, it made me too lethargic, then back to 10mg, which like the first time, was not enough. Then I stopped taking it all together for about a week and felt awful, so he had me take 20mg again.

Finally after failing to control my depression with that one and after gaining another 20 pounds in the process, he gave me another antidepressant to take together with Lexapro. So now I'm taking 20mg of Lexapro and 100mg of Buproprion, which in my humble opinion is the best medical discovery after aspirin and penicillin! This stuff works with minimum side effects!

Sometimes I wonder how I would feel if were facing this cancer thing without taking my medication for anxiety and depression. I have reasons to believe that it would be pretty bad.
I tried to cut down on Lexapro on my own not too long ago, thinking that it might be easier for my body to recover after chemo if I didn't have to take so many different medications, but within 6-7 days I was a wreck. I was sad and anxious again, crying and feeling helpless, not wanting to get out of my bedroom etc. So, the answer clearly was, no, I can't deal with this without them.

So, thus my day comes to an end today. I read a book earlier about water coloring and landscapes, so I guess the artist within me still breathes. I just made dinner for everybody and I'm in my bedroom getting some rest. I think I'll go to bed early today. My legs and back hurt, so I'm hoping a little sleep will help. Time for more medicine. Again.

Sometimes having cancer feels like it's all about numbers and statistics, and I don't mean only the survival rates.

For example, I was in a restaurant yesterday; my husband and kids took me out for an early Mother's Day dinner. While waiting to be seated we were right by the entrance. Without even realizing I started glancing at every single woman walking in, and every single one of them had their own hair (have I mentioned that I have become somewhat of an expert at spotting fake hair?)

I even counted them! Out of 17 women I saw walking in that restaurant there was only one other wearing a wig other than me. An African American lady that I'm pretty certain she was just having a bad hair day and decided to take the easy way of fixing it (I could see her hair coming out the back).

Today I went to church in the morning. Many people commented that my "new haircut" looked really nice and that they loved the new "look".

In a way I'm pleased because it seems that I achieved exactly what I was hoping for, and that's for people to think that I just changed my hairstyle. I didn't want a weird/fake version of my own hair like many people try to do when they lose their hair and buy a wig.

On the other hand I don't know if people really mean it, or if they actually understand that I'm wearing a wig and they're just trying to be nice. One would think that if they knew they would keep their mouth shut, but you never know with folks at church.

The only person who knows is the Young Men's President, he is a very good friend, and he has sworn not to tell anyone. When he saw me (this was the first time after I told him I have cancer in an e-mail) he said "Wow! You look nice. I like the hair!" I jokingly punched his arm and he quickly blinked his eyes in recognition of what had just happened and said "Oh, sorry!"

So it seems he didn't even put 2 and 2 together until I brought his attention to it, which I guess is a good thing.

Who'd ever know! I'm one who would never fuss over my hair. I have naturally wavy hair (now they tell me they might never come back) that I used to wash and let them air dry. Sometimes I'd use some gel, but that's about it. Maybe the Vanity Fairy is taking her revenge on me for never messing with my hair enough.

Do I talk a lot about hair? I guess I do. By the way the count at church was:

35 Women, 1 Wig. Mine.

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics" Mark Twain

The Best MIL!

It's such a blessing to have Brian's mom here. She's always so full of energy and willing to help! I can't even count how many times she has come to our rescue before, but this is one of the times I'll never ever forget, because she was so much needed. I appreciate her help and her cheerful spirit so much! I wish I could keep her here for good, but I know the other kids want her around just as much.

It's been so great since she came. The kids love it when she's here, I can relax and get some rest feeling that everything is taken care of, Brian can work without constant interruptions whenever somebody needs something, the house looks clean. This had been an answer to prayers!

I'm so thankful! Thanks Sally! And a big thank you to Pat for letting us borrow her. :-)

I love you both!

So here I am, still in Ohio and not in Hawaii. The decision has been made.
I don’t feel well enough to make it through the trip. This Neulasta shot has had some really nasty side effects that don’t agree with me.

I’m somewhat relieved that I don’t have to stress over trying to make everything work for the trip, but at the same time I can’t help thinking that if I could have made it I would probably be typing this tomorrow from my ocean view room, listening to the waves crashing on the shore. Bummer! I really needed to hear that sound again, more than anything.

I can’t even imagine when the next time for us to go on vacation would be. I miss Greece so much, but it is so expensive to go there now. I guess I should be thankful we were able to take David and Darian twice already. Natalie will have to wait a while longer.

I talked to my brother yesterday. It’s always good to talk to him. I miss him a lot. I’m so excited that he wants to come and see me. I’m also excited for my sister! This would be her first time here, so I’m just so thrilled that she can finally come and see us here. I just wish I’m well enough to have some fun time with both of them. I’m still not sure if my mom will come, but if she does I think she’ll come with my sister, so that would work out great. I’m worried about her traveling alone.

I’m glad to be done with the second round of chemo. I’m still feeling like crap, but I’m hoping it will get better, especially the nausea and the pain in my bones. I try to take my meds for the pain every 4 hours. I’ve done a good job today, so the pain is more tolerable. I had to start rinsing my mouth with that water/soda solution again. I can see how much it helps to keep my mouth clear of the dead cells that like to linger in there. Disgusting, I know, but very helpful.

The good news is that the tumor feels even smaller now! I don’t know how this is happening, but to give you an idea, if today was the first time that I had done a breast examination, I would have probably missed it. It’s really that small now! Weird! I guess it really does not like that Carboplatin and Taxotere mix we’ve been feeding it.

Brian’s mom is coming tonight, and I’m so grateful for the help. We could really use some. I’m getting as much rest as I can, but it’s still not enough. Taking care of Natalie is not that hard, because she’s such an easy going little girl, and she’s so much fun to be around, but even that is too much for me right now. I feel so bad that I can’t spend the same amount or quality of time with her that I did before. We did play catch with her brand new ball today, and she just loved it! She’s so easy to please!

Well, that’s all for now. Brian and Sally will be here soon, so I better get going.
Adios.

I don't know if I'll have the energy to type these few lines, but I'll try. I'm so tired and my bones hurt so bad! Yesterday I spent most of my day in bed, either asleep, or barely awake trying to take more medicine.

First time today that I have nausea. Great! I highly doubt that I'll be able to get up and pack to go to Hawaii. It's impossible.

I can't even describe the pain. I wish I could just sleep like I did yesterday. :-(

In the Arms of Morpheus

I woke up early this morning. I got ready to go to the clinic for the shot. I had to wait a while, but finally my turn came and I went in and got the shot on my arm. I didn't even feel it, but they said I had to wait there for another 15 minutes, since this was my first time and they had to make sure I didn't have any allergic reactions. I was fine.

I came home around 11:30 and it was almost time for David's baseball game. I was too tired to go. In fact I put Natalie down for a nap and went in my room at about 12:30 and didn't wake up until almost 6:00! Holy cow! I hadn't realized that I was that tired!

So the day is almost gone and I haven't accomplished anything, other than maybe writing those few words, and making something for the kids to eat. I've been up for about an hour and a half and I already feel tired again! I can't understand how this is possible! I'll try to read my book and stay awake. This is ridiculous!

Round Two

Well, I guess I survived the second round! My experience this time was a lot more pleasant.
I didn’t have to wait for too long for my blood test or for the doctor to see me, and I had good reviews all around.

My INR is 2.6, so it’s within normal range again. My blood count is a lot better, almost within normal range, but just in case, I’m getting a Neulasta shot tomorrow morning to keep my WBC up. Possible side effects: Aching in the bones and muscles as it stimulates the bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. Like I didn’t have enough pain there already! Oh, well. I have enough Vicodin for an army! Anyone else in pain?

The other good news of course is that the doctor gave us the green light for going to Hawaii. He also gave me an extra prescription for antibiotics, just in case. I need to stay out of the sun and wear a lot of sunscreen. I’ll probably have to carry an extra suitcase full of my medication, one for every symptom. It kinds makes me feel old.

Our plans while we are there are very low key, so I think I’ll be OK. We have a nice room with a view to the ocean, and I can’t wait to see it. I’ve missed the ocean so much! I’m curious to see the Pacific, they say it’s so much more “unfriendly” than what I’m used to.

It's the travel that worries me. We already made arrangements with the airline and we told them that I'm going to need transportation from one place to another. Hopefully that will help. We also got some masks, since I'll be cooped up in small place with a lot of other people. Let alone the swine flu that's been going around! Last time we checked there were no cases confirmed in Hawaii.

I started a new book, so I’m excited to read again tonight. I have so many books I want to read! I’m hoping I can when I’m in Hawaii. In fact, that’s all I want to do. Well, I would like to go see the volcano and maybe drive around to see the rest of the place too, but mostly what I need is time to myself, time with Brian, and days without any kind of responsibilities or plans and schedules. The kids nowadays call it chillax. So that's what I want to do!

I’ll try to get some sleep tonight. Last time the steroid shot kept me up most of the night. I’m going to take my sedative this time, so I can sleep and wake up for my early appointment tomorrow.

It’s been 3 hours and I’m feeling fine so far. I’m a little tired, so I think I’m going to get some rest now. The kids are watching a movie, so it’s the perfect opportunity. I better not miss it! :-)

Later!