Revelations

I’ve noticed that there are a lot of people whom I don’t know, but still frequent this blog, so I feel the need to re-introduce my self and tell my story from the beginning.

My name is Stamatia (pronounced Stah-mah-TEE-a) and I’m from Greece.
My husband, my three kids and I moved to Ohio from Michigan a little over three years ago. Now, I don’t mean to say that Ohio is a cursed place or anything, but ever since we stepped our foot in the Buckeye State, things started going terribly wrong!

Since we’ve moved here we’ve had nothing but sickness and misfortune hit us in every corner. We had a scary fire accident in our kitchen that left me with 3rd degree burns on my right arm, we had a near fatal car accident that totaled our car, injuries, surgeries, and that’s just to name a few. However, I would like to fast forward to the most recent developments.

After the car accident 2 years ago I never felt the same again. I have a bad back and the accident made it progressively worse. I was in pain most of the time and I could feel that emotionally and physically I was going downhill. I struggled with a lot of things but I found myself unable to cope with any of the situations at hand. I started feeling tired all the time and had little energy to do anything. More and more I felt isolated, alone, sad, and distressed. I talked to doctors that told me I suffer from anxiety and depression and prescribed pills for me to help me act and feel “normal” again and I scheduled sessions with therapists to talk about my troubled past and present.

One night as I was settling in for bed and getting undressed, I felt a lump on my right breast. I immediately felt that there was something wrong. The next day I called my doctor and made and appointment. She too thought when she felt it, that there was something fishy going on. The lump had no “give” to it, so I knew that it couldn’t have been a cyst. My doctor scheduled a mammogram and ultrasound for me. Within the next few days we found out that indeed the lump looked very suspicious and I had to have a biopsy. Three days after the biopsy I found out that I had triple negative breast cancer that had spread to my lymph nodes and I needed to start therapy right away.

The rest of what happened is already posted on the blog, so I won’t tire you by repeating everything. I will tell you though a few of my thoughts that I’ve had lately.

For months now I have feasted like a vampire, (I know it sound really bad!), on other people’s prayers. I found love, kind thoughts, support, and positive energy coming to me from so many people, but I myself was unable to sit down and pray. I know that I’ve made it this far solely on other people’s faith. Myself, I’ve felt sad, angry, bitter, and I sense of numbness had taken over me. I thought about God many times, but my feelings were always mixed. I have so many things to be grateful for, but… did I really deserve this? What do I say when I kneel down to pray? Thank you? I was confused. I didn’t want to think about it until recently.


Last night Brian could not sleep. I fell asleep reading my book relatively early. The next thing I knew it was 1:20 am and I saw Brian walking out of our bedroom to go downstairs. I’m a very light sleeper and I wake up easily so I have to sleep wearing earplugs. Last night I didn’t.

Usually when I wake up I have a hard time getting back to sleep, so after Brian left I stayed lying still in my bed for hours, checking the clock every now and then, hoping he would come back to bed sooner or later. He didn’t.

I started getting frustrated. “There comes another day tomorrow” I thought, “with Brian sleeping in because he had a long night and me trying to juggle everything while being sick.” It was 3:40 am by that time and I decided to get up and go check on him. I found him in his office staring at the computer. “What are you doing? Why aren’t you coming to bed? You woke me up when you left and I’ve been waiting for you for hours.” I felt so tired and let down.

Brian apologized and followed me slowly up the stairs and back to our bedroom. I got in bed and he came too. I heard him take a deep breath and sigh, and right that minute it hit me. “What if he’s up because he worries about me and all that has been going on? He too has the right to feel like crap about this situation. This doesn’t only affect me it hurts all of us in this family!”

I knew that minute that I was right. Brian has been trying to juggle things too. He takes care of me when I can’t get out of bed, he makes sure the kids are fed, and on top of everything else he has to go to work and he’s expected to be good at it too.

I reached out and hugged him and told him that I love him. I told him that he needs to talk about all those feeling he tries to hold deep inside him. He needs to let go and accept the fact that what we’re dealing with here is really hard! Nobody expects him to be “super dad” or “super husband”. He can rely on me too, talk to me. I’m still here. We only have each other to lean on. I’ll have his back and he’ll have mine.

Brian was able to calm down and he fell asleep in my arms. I felt calm but energized. I knew that I was not going to go to sleep after that. So instead of fighting it and getting stressed about it, I decided to get up and…wash my wig! LOL! So here I am in the middle of the night, shampooing my fake hair, and you know what? It felt great! Ha! I brushed my wig and took a step back to admire my handiwork. It looked awesome and I felt pretty pleased with myself.

I don’t know why but at that moment that I felt so calm and relaxed, I realized that I wanted to pray. So yes, I prayed, for the first time since this has happened, in full sentences, unlike all my other lame attempts up until now. It was wonderful!

Brian’s grandmother has been sending me verses from the Bible and encouraging thoughts almost daily, but one has stuck to my mind, because she has mentioned it many times.

“I have a plan for you, not to harm you. I am always with you. I will not forsake you. I love you, more than you will ever know."

For the first time this made absolutely sense to me. I know that things happen for a reason, but I had failed to see what it was in my case.

Like all of us, I have been given a precious gift. I was brought to this life not just having a body of bones and muscles and organs, but having a spirit too. I’m responsible to take care and nourish not only my body but my spirit also. I failed in doing both.

I was so preoccupied with my hectic life and my misfortunes that I let everything weigh down on me so much that it finally brought me to my knees. I stopped taking care of my body, so I suffered the consequences, and I stopped taking care of my emotional needs and my spirit so I felt alone and isolated.

I now understand all this and I have reached the point where I don’t just need the help from others, but I can also give back.

So I’m here to tell everyone who reads this what I’ve been hearing in my head lately and what I have learned so far:

We all have times that we feel sad, worried, fearful, angry and despaired. Don’t fight it. Accept and acknowledge those feelings for what they are. An expression of how your inner self truly feels at that particular moment. The more you accept them without feeling guilt, criticism or blame, the more you’ll help yourself to feel physically and spiritually well. Once you have acknowledged them you can then release all the unwanted emotions. Remember to breath!

Remember that our bodies can teach us useful things, it can challenge us to learn and change and grow.

Listen to your body and be thankful that you can learn to love, express and accept yourself.

When you learn to accept yourself the way it is then you can also allow yourself to heal.

When we let go and release all the everyday hectic expectations and demands in our lives we can soften ourselves and heal from stressful situation that can only harm us.

Forgive yourself and others about past mistakes. Don’t hold a grudge. Let your mind and body heal.

Be thankful for who you are! We are all beautiful and special. If you learn to love yourself you’ll give your mind and body a powerful message to be well.

Don’t find yourself being motivated by guilt, anger, or bitterness. Do things out of love. Celebrate who you are and feel free to express your true self.

Keep in you mind the picture of a strong, vital and healthy body. Cleanse yourself from things that might bring you down.

Accept the love and support of family and friends. Feel their positive energy like a warm wave that encircles you and calms you. Open yourself to them. You deserve to be loved.

Your physical condition is not an indication of who you as a person. Enjoy your recovery. Embrace the good days and rejoice. You can let yourself heal and live a full life, or let yourself heal and die. It will not change who you really are.

And that’s my 2 cents for the day. It’s almost 8:00 am now, and everybody is still asleep. I will go check on everybody and start a new day. I hope yours is good too.

Peace!