I have found that keeping busy, whenever the pain is bearable, makes the days go by faster.

Yesterday I kept busy all day on Darian's project that was due today. For this project Darian had to read a book (that's easy), then keep notes (also easy) and then design and make his own board game that will follow the storyline of the book! What?

Anyway. We did (or should I say I did) make a pretty cool game, but I don't understand why teachers sometimes assign projects when they know there's no way the kids can complete them on their own. I have to ask my father sometime. I think there's something weird going on, that probably only Freud could explain, but he's long gone so it will probably remain a mystery.

Today I went to Costco and Lowes with Sally and bought a bunch of beautiful plants for our front yard. I can't wait for Brian to come home from work so he can help us plant them. It's a shame that I can't do it, because of the threat of infectious diseases lurking in the soil. Great! Stupid cancer! It runs its tentacles everywhere!

It's amazing how cancer sucks out all your energy. It started last year, about this time of the year, when I noticed that I could barely get through the day. My energy level was low, I felt sad, I couldn't sleep and I still had my back hurting like crazy. I went to my doctor and asked her to run some blood tests, that all came back normal, except my white blood count that was too high, but we both thought it was because I was just recovering from a pretty bad cold.

She also gave me Cymbalta, thinking that what might have could be the first signs of depression, and it could also help with the pain. I took it for 3-4 months. It made feel sleepy, tired, dizzy, and I gained 10 pounds. I stopped taking it.

A few months later, around October, I started feeling even worse. Sometimes I could barely get out of bed, I had anxiety, and some times even panic attacks about the smallest every day things, like going to a store, or church.

I went to a psychiatrist this time. His first thought, when I mentioned that my back hurt, was to give me Cymbalta again. I kindly said "no, thank you, I need something that will help me keep my eyes open" so he gave me Lexapro.

Lexapro helped with my anxiety a lot! It did slow me down a bit though, and I started gaining more weight. We tried all different variations. We started with 10mg, it was not enough, then 20mg, it made me too lethargic, then back to 10mg, which like the first time, was not enough. Then I stopped taking it all together for about a week and felt awful, so he had me take 20mg again.

Finally after failing to control my depression with that one and after gaining another 20 pounds in the process, he gave me another antidepressant to take together with Lexapro. So now I'm taking 20mg of Lexapro and 100mg of Buproprion, which in my humble opinion is the best medical discovery after aspirin and penicillin! This stuff works with minimum side effects!

Sometimes I wonder how I would feel if were facing this cancer thing without taking my medication for anxiety and depression. I have reasons to believe that it would be pretty bad.
I tried to cut down on Lexapro on my own not too long ago, thinking that it might be easier for my body to recover after chemo if I didn't have to take so many different medications, but within 6-7 days I was a wreck. I was sad and anxious again, crying and feeling helpless, not wanting to get out of my bedroom etc. So, the answer clearly was, no, I can't deal with this without them.

So, thus my day comes to an end today. I read a book earlier about water coloring and landscapes, so I guess the artist within me still breathes. I just made dinner for everybody and I'm in my bedroom getting some rest. I think I'll go to bed early today. My legs and back hurt, so I'm hoping a little sleep will help. Time for more medicine. Again.