A Bad Day

I think it’s safe to assume that when I don’t post an entry on the blog it means that I’ve had a rough day.

Yesterday I woke up early and tried to keep myself busy. I drove the kids to school, but as I was driving back home I realized that I really didn’t want to go back. I kept driving until I found my self outside a Walmart, which I hate by the way, but the parking lot was almost empty, so I though I’d give it a shot. Less people, better chance of not going crazy in there, I thought.

I walked in and indeed, it was very quiet. I decided to head for their bead section, only to realize once again, that they have nothing but crap, excuse my French, and that it was a waste of time, as I had expected. I did get a few things for Natalie to paint and some stuff for Darian’s upcoming school project, so it wasn’t a total loss.

I also looked at their fabric department. I was almost tempted to buy some fabric, but then I realized I was only kidding myself. I’d never find the energy to do anything with it. If I did have the energy, I probably should start with all the other unfinished projects I have collecting dust in my closet.

I finally came back at around 9:00 am. Brian was still asleep with Natalie by his side. I tried to wake him up to go to work but he was so tired it took a while. He’s so stressed these days.

I don’t have much to say today, except that I have been gradually getting worse. It’s getting harder to keep my spirits up and keep up with my daily routine, but I still try.
I’ve had a lot of pain in my back and joints. Sometimes it is too much to bear. It annoys me that I have to depend on Vicodin, which makes me really dizzy, but it does take the edge off the pain. I guess it will have to do.

More than often I feel that I just want to be left alone. Yesterday I was in my room for the most part of the day. Denise, the girl we hired to help out around the house and help with the kids, took care of Natalie, while I was locked up in my room, trying to make some sense of this unpleasant situation, but there’s always one question lingering on my mind.

Why me? Haven’t I had enough bad things happen to me already? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish for somebody else to have it instead of me, in fact I feel quite the opposite, but I could really use a break! I’m not one to whine about my life or misfortunes, but as I look back, things seem to have been exceptionally hard for me. Why? When do I get to have a moment of peace? No, don’t answer that. I already know the answer.

In the mean time, the stupid tumor has decreased in size so much, I would be tempted to believe in the miracle of chemotherapy, but I know better. How could something so toxic and poisonous actually be good for you?

Let’s face it, there’s no cure for cancer. The doctors have been just grasping at straws for decades, and the cancer industry keeps making more and more money selling poisons and fake reports about “relative benefits”, conveniently “forgetting” to mention the staggering failure that the absolute numbers reveal, while people die left and right. If shutting down our immune system, our one and only natural defense to diseases, is the way to “treat” cancer, then we’re in big trouble, wouldn’t you say?

The “victory” against cancer, as they present it, is to survive 5 years, before you have a recurrence! Well, the way I see it, if there’s a recurrence it means that all the stuff they pumped into your veins just slowed things down, but did not really treat anything. Cancer cells were lurking in your body the entire time, until something triggered them again. So how come they don’t concentrate on what triggers it in the first place, instead of amputating body parts? They treat the symptoms, not the disease. Period! Not to mention that their “success” is basically an increase of life span, but was this life span really worth living in the first place?

I think I better stop now. I whined, I got it out of my system, and that’s enough. Tomorrow will be a better day. Hopefully.